Alana is a successful entrepreneur—a person who feels the world is her oyster and she is its pearl. If she needs to defeat anyone symbolically or in reality, it is by succeeding. Failure is not a possibility. She runs a multi-million dollar graphic arts business with six employees, but her repetition of a childhood pattern with her sister causes her problems.
“Why can’t we just be friends?” asked a teary Alana as she sat across from me. It seemed so sad that this 35-year-old, strikingly attractive, successful businesswoman was brought to tears by the thought of her lack of closeness to her younger sister, Paula. Alana is the big sister who has always been envied. She was openly favored by her father and grew up feeling that she was her father’s special girl. (For a further discussion of sibling rivalry CLICK HERE)
Alana felt her father was intensely interested in everything about her. Her younger sister, Paula, on the other hand, feels angry that she never got this kind of attention from their father. Alana told me: “I feel like the sun and Paula has always been a planet.”
Alana wants to be close to Paula, but even now she wants Paula’s life to revolve around hers. She knows she makes Paula feel unimportant, but she can’t hold herself back from expecting her sister to admire her and be excited about her triumphs, even at times when Paula does not have any comparable triumphs of her own. She wants Paula to be delighted about her children, when Paula doesn’t have any; she wants Paula to be excited about her career successes when her own career seems at a standstill.
Alana has needed to maintain this years-old position of being the sun around which Paula revolves. This view of the solar system is pleasurable and Alana hasn’t wanted to give it up. However, the tension between Paula and Alana hit a moment of crisis because Paula started to see a therapist and has begun to be open about her feelings of resentment and anger. Paula used to avoid Alana, but now she is letting her know how she feels about the way Alana treats her. (For more on adult sibling relationships CHECK THIS OUT)
While Paula’s sense of self has surely been damaged by her “planet” status, Alana also suffers. Alana understands that her dominance has damaged Paula’s sense of self. Paula has told Alana she feels almost invisible when she is in her presence—and she doesn’t like it.
Alana has to get in touch with the pain she causes the people around her if she wants a resolution to this difficult situation. Through our work together Alana has come to understand that despite the pleasure of feeling like everything revolves around her, feeling like the sun has certain disadvantages as well—it makes other people angry. Alana knows this from childhood experiences of kids telling her she’s bossy and not wanting to play with her; but she is beginning to realize it is hurting her as an adult as well. It’s hurting her business.
Alana treats her employees as if they were Paula. She wants her employees to love her and enjoy her successes. She assumes employees love playing with her children in the office and enjoy walking her dog. Recently, Alana was stunned when a key employee, Patty, confronted her about her salary. Patty said that she is furious because Alana’s profits have soared in the last two years, but Patty has not gotten a raise or a bonus. Alana was shocked that Patty feels she has played an important role in Alana’s success. Alana feels her success is entirely her own and never thought that her employees want to be recognized as “players.” She imagines they enjoy playing second fiddle.
In addition, Alana’s trusted assistant, Marie, quit suddenly and Alana was shocked and hurt. She couldn’t understand why Marie would quit when she was so nice to her. Later she told me she fired Marie’s boyfriend, but assumed that Marie would be more loyal to Alana than to her boyfriend. Although she never discussed it with her, Alana assumed Marie would understand her boyfriend deserved getting fired!
Alana’s relationship with Paula gets repeated in her relationship with clients as well as employees. Treating others as if they are younger siblings who enjoy being mentored is bad for morale and creates grumpy employees, but treating clients that way can lead to losing accounts. Alana feels account executives have business acumen but “no taste.” She feels contemptuous of their ability to judge the aesthetic quality of her work—and it shows. She came very close to losing her largest account as a result of complaints by account executives describing her as “bossy” and “intimidating.” So Alana is learning that there is a downside to feeling like the center of the universe.
For more related topics CLICK HERE and HERE.
