Competing for Love

Competition with your child's in-laws or your former spouse is a common problem for parents of adult children. Managing competitive feelings without acting on them (or blurting them out) represents a major challenge. The in-laws may take your son and daughter-in-law on exotic trips that you cannot afford. Or perhaps your ex-husband and his wife have a winter home in Florida to lure them in February. The newly weds will not always come to your house for the holidays—you may have to give up Christmas for Thanksgiving or alternate years. If you are divorced from the father of your adult child and his/her spouse's parents' are divorced, you may have to split the holidays four ways! And having different religious traditions adds an extra complication and potential source of friction.

Shirley is constantly upset because her son and his wife live in a building owned by her parents while she lives in another city. She imagines her in-laws see her son every day and hear about what's going on in his life. They see the grandchildren every day; they know their friends; and pick them up from school. And on Sunday nights, she worries, the in-laws are taking "the kids" out for dinner.

Patricia doesn't feel competitive with her daughter-in-law's mother because she lives far away, instead she feels jealous of her ex-husband and his wife. They have a beautiful house on Martha's Vineyard, while Patricia's house is more modest and in a less desirable locale. While her son and daughter-in-law visit her for one weekend over the summer, they spend two weeks on the Vineyard.

In contrast to Shirley and Patricia, Karen feels she cannot compete with her daughter's in-laws because she does not celebrate Christmas. How can Hanukkah candles compete with a Christmas tree!? When her grandchildren show her their Christmas presents, Karen imagines they love their Christian grandparents more than they love her. She feels she cannot compete.

Competitive feelings are normal. We all have them. They only become a problem if we act them out in ways that alienate the very people we are trying to draw closer. Remember that preferring two weeks in the Vineyard to two weeks at your house does not mean they love you less. They just like the beach!

Also, your children may be trying to juggle the demands of several "parents." They want your understanding; they do not want more demands. We can only offer what we have and then we have to accept our limits and hope that our children and grandchildren appreciate what we can offer. So when you have a jealous attack, try to remember that love and warmth and acceptance are very appealing.

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