Co-Parenting in a Digital World

One of the most common sources of conflict is the assumption that virtual access should be unlimited. While it’s natural to want frequent contact, video calls should respect your child’s routine and the other parent’s parenting time.

Source: Karola G / Pexels

For today’s co-parents who are separated or divorced, communication with their children doesn’t end when the parenting time schedule switches to the other parent. More often than not, custody agreements build in video calls—Zoom, FaceTime, Google Meet—between parents and children. These video calls are a routine way for parents to stay connected with their children, but the truth is that they can often be fraught with difficulties. Sometimes they even result in court intervention.

Despite the distant co-parent often looking forward to this opportunity for connection, challenges and disputes arise around scheduling times, length or frequency of the calls, privacy, devices used, and even the location where your child takes the call.

When both parents are supportive, virtual communication can be a great addition to the custody arrangement and enhance the child’s relationship with their parents. It can be a time for the child and the parent to catch up on the day and stay in touch. Perhaps it even starts the day off on a positive note.

However, mishandling these calls can heighten conflict, undermine trust between parents, and even place children in the middle of their parents’ disputes. Here are key considerations for navigating Zoom calls in a healthy co-parenting relationship—and some practical tips for addressing these issues proactively in a settlement agreement.

Treat Video Calls Like Any Other Parenting Time

One of the most common sources of conflict is the assumption that virtual access should be unlimited. While it’s natural to want frequent contact, video calls should respect your child’s routine and the other parent’s parenting time.

Best practices to keep the calls positive include:

• Scheduling calls during a predictable window of time
• Keeping them age-appropriate in length and reasonable in terms of frequency
• Avoiding interruptions during meals, homework, or bedtime
• Allowing for flexibility when your child is sick or involved in an activity
• Avoiding interaction between parents, significant others, and stepparents during the calls
• Avoiding the use of calls to message the other parent about issues or concerns through your child

Keeping the above in mind helps children feel secure, prevents calls from becoming a point of contention or control, and allows for everyone to look forward to and enjoy the call.

Privacy Matters—for Everyone

Privacy concerns are increasingly common. A child may be on a Zoom call in a shared living space, raising questions about who can hear the conversation or how your child is distracted during the conversation. Conversely, a parent may worry that their own interaction with the child is being monitored or recorded.

Healthy boundaries include:

• Not coaching children on what to say during calls
• Avoiding questioning your child about the other parent’s household
• Refraining from recording calls unless expressly agreed upon or by Court Order
• Locating a private space in your home where your child can take the call without distraction or interference

Children should never be made to feel like messengers, spies, or evidence gatherers.

Be Mindful of Your Child’s Emotional Experience

Children are highly sensitive to tone, conflict, and divided loyalties. A video call that turns into an interrogation or commentary about the other parent’s rules, significant other, or home environment can be troubling.

Keep calls child-focused by:

• Focusing on your child’s day and activities, not information gathering
• Letting your child end the call naturally
• Avoiding emotional pressure if your child doesn’t want to talk at that moment

Additionally, it is normal for children to sometimes resist having the call. Your child’s reluctance to engage may be developmental in nature—not a rejection and not necessarily the fault of the other parent.

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Technology Is a Tool, Not a Weapon

Disputes sometimes arise over missed calls, delayed responses, or technical glitches. While frustrating, these moments should not escalate into accusations of interference or bad faith.

Helpful strategies include:

• Building in flexibility for technological failures
• Cooperating to agree on backup methods (e.g., phone call instead of video)
• Resisting the blame game if the video doesn’t work out on occasion
• Discussing resolutions if your child is resisting the video calls

Avoid escalation—it will only heighten conflict and undoubtedly place your child right in the middle of the dispute, causing anxiety for everyone.

Address Digital Communication in the Settlement Agreement

One of the most effective ways to reduce conflict is to address virtual communication explicitly in your settlement or parenting agreement. Clear agreements will reduce ambiguity and power struggles. In the agreements and stipulations that I draft, we usually include a specific window of time for the child and parent to connect. In high-conflict divorces, we may draft more specifically to include the following:

• Frequency and duration of video calls
• Privacy protections (e.g., no recording, no third-party involvement)
• Alternatively, the right to record and the platform that will be utilized if, for example, parenting time is supervised

What to Do When Boundaries Are Violated

If one parent consistently listens in, records calls, or uses video time to interrogate the other parent, this may warrant legal intervention.

In these cases, it may be time to involve your attorney or even the Court.

The Bottom Line

Zoom calls can be an excellent way to keep the connection between parent and child, but they must be utilized with mutual respect, clear ground rules, and a focus on the best interest of your child.