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As I addressed in a recent blog post, "Dating After Divorce," it is commonly understood that divorce, and the aftermath, is often difficult for children to process, whatever age they might be.
And recoupling—of one or both co-parents—adds another layer to the stressors that a child is already undergoing as a result of substantial changes in his or her day-to-day routine.
As a matrimonial and family law attorney, my clients often ask me questions like: “When should I tell the children?” “What should I say about the divorce or breakup?” “How do I help the children process this?” “How and when can I introduce a significant other?”
I have also encountered these issues from the other point of view in my role as an attorney for children when speaking to my clients, who are themselves children, and have questions of their own.
Working with mental health professionals is a significant and integral part of my practice, and I often speak to therapists on a daily basis. (It really does take a village and other points of view to make this work as well as possible.)
Therapists often tell me how important it is for parents to be on the same page when speaking to their children about divorce. And I often tell my clients how important it is to foster the relationship between the children and their co-parent.
The way you and your soon-to-be-ex handle the divorce is critical to ensure your children emerge happy and physically and emotionally healthy. Avoiding conflict with your child’s other parent and making a point to never speak ill of him or her in front of the children are basic rules to follow.
But even in a “perfect” divorce or breakup, when parents use their very best judgment, a child’s interpretation of this new reality can be complex and misguided. In speaking with parents and children, I have learned that sometimes children blame themselves for the divorce; sometimes, they blame one of their parents; sometimes, they become angry, depressed, or exhibit other emotions.
These feelings and questions can fester; they can rock a child’s world and sabotage their relationships with others, including their friends and even their parents.
For these reasons, sometimes it becomes necessary to enlist the help of a mental health professional who will support the children as they navigate this challenging situation.
How you as parents deal with the mental health professional as you proceed through your divorce is important to your child’s relationship with the therapist.
Let’s first remember that this is your child’s therapist—not your therapist.
As such, it is imperative that you and your co-parent are careful not to drag this important provider into your litigation or make this person the arbitrator of your matrimonial issues.
Here are some basic rules of the road for choosing and dealing with your child’s therapist:
Once you find the right therapist for your child, it is important to ensure that this person is not utilized for litigation purposes, but instead is there for your child. Therefore:
Important note: Sometimes, your child is not ready for therapy. This is an issue to address with a mental health professional before you introduce your child to a therapist.
Recommendation: You may also want to consult with your own therapist. This person can become an objective assessor of the situation, who can help you learn to communicate with your children about the changes in their lives and even help you co-parent with your former spouse.
And as I always say, please take time to take care of yourself, as well as your children, during this incredibly difficult time.
These opinions should not substitute as legal or mental health advice, as each case is unique. If you are facing a similar situation, it is critical to contact a family law attorney or mental health professional in your area as soon as possible.
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This is what I do…….
www.work83.com
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