Divorce
The Threat of False Allegations in the #MeToo Era
Protect yourself in a high-conflict divorce.
Posted March 7, 2019
As a family law and matrimonial attorney who frequently collaborates with therapists on child custody and high-conflict divorce cases, I have found that one of the greatest challenges facing any married or divorcing couple is when one or both suffer from a mental health disorder.
There can be no denial that extreme stress can exacerbate mental illness. There are more stories than I can relay that illustrate mental health issues coming to a head during the run-up to a divorce, during litigation and played out in their extreme during trial, making what is typically a challenging and painful process even harder for both spouses, as well as for the children involved.
One of the trends we are seeing in this #MeToo era is false allegations of abuse or assault made by an angry, irrational and spiteful spouse. It is important to note that there are many allegations made that are true and proven, and they need to be taken very seriously, but there are also false allegations that are made in spite to “win” a legal battle or custody of the children or even worse to get “even” and destroy the other spouse.
This article will focus on people who are concerned they will be, or already have been, falsely accused of a crime as a result of tensions with an unstable spouse suffering from a mental illness.
Certain people are more at risk for making these types of false allegations, which is not to say that someone who has a mental illness cannot be trusted to make a true allegation of assault.
Borderline personality disorder is sometimes present in these kinds of cases. According to the Mayo Clinic, some of the symptoms of BPD include: “an intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection” and “a pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel.” Essentially, the thought process is that you are either with me or against me, and once you are against me, I will destroy you at all costs.
These symptoms, among others, can drive someone to do what is unthinkable to others: accusing a person of a crime that they didn’t commit out of what feels to them to be a real sense of desperation. And people suffering from BPD often find that their symptoms worsen during stressful life events. A high-conflict divorce certainly falls into that category.
Unfortunately, whatever the catalyst, including if a charge is made by someone clearly suffering from emotional distress, it is very difficult to fully clear a person’s reputation after a false allegation. Such a charge can end up irreparably harming the spouse who was unfairly accused, both emotionally and financially. Sadly, I have seen people married to spouses with borderline personality disorders falsely arrested, falsely accused of child abuse and lose their jobs. While, the falsity of the accusations and their spouse’s mental state may all come to light after a long, protracted and expensive litigation, one still has to endure what seems like an endless battle.
Of course, the very best way to protect yourself from experiencing any of the above is to recognize the signs of mental illness. Love does not need to be blind and the signs should not be overlooked or ignored. Be careful with whom you have a relationship, a child and a marriage.
There are a few ways you can help protect yourself when preparing to disentangle yourself from a relationship or a marriage with a parent of your child and/or your spouse who suffers from borderline personality or another mental disorder.
If you are already working with an attorney, let your attorney know of your specific concerns immediately, and take his or her advice on the next steps that are deemed right for your situation.
If you are not already working with an attorney, find someone who has some understanding of mental health issues.
Sharing information and documentation is key. Be very candid with your attorney about your concerns. Share any examples that illustrate your concerns.
Additionally, talk to a therapeutic professional who has experience in this area, and let that person know what you are concerned about and why. Having a third party who has expertise in this area document concerns and fears, before accusations are made, could be very helpful if your worst fears come true.
While it is unwise to challenge someone who is acting irrationally, it is ideal if you can document any erratic behavior with times and dates on the part of the spouse you are concerned about.
And as hard as it might be, it is important to have witnesses to as many of your interactions with your spouse and children as possible, including, if you are already separated, having conversations in a public place or with someone neutral present. Do not isolate yourself or allow yourself to be isolated.
Keep a record of any concerning interactions, particularly with your children, including photos with date/time stamps. This could be helpful if the allegations are made in the future. If you are still living in the same residence, it is also important to be very careful about any interactions with your spouse and your children. Be extremely mindful of what you say and how you say it to do all that you can to ensure something is not later interpreted in an irrational way. Above all, place your children’s needs first.
If you are planning to ask for a divorce, it is important to involve your therapist in the process.
If you have been charged with any crime against your spouse or child, you must abide by any orders of protection that have been filed, even if you know they were put in place due to a false allegation.
Most of all, it is helpful to find a professional who you trust to speak with while going through this stressful time to protect your emotional well-being and the emotional health of your children.
DISCLAIMER: These opinions should not substitute as legal advice, as each case is unique. If you are facing a similar situation, it is critical to contact a family law attorney in your area as soon as possible.