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Relationships
What to Do When You’re Still in Love and Want Your Ex Back
How to win by focusing on yourself, your growth, and your own life.
Posted June 8, 2021 Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
Key points
- When you want to reunite with your ex-partner, it’s normal to feel desperate to win them back, but this pressure is likely to push them away.
- Focus on being the best you can be. When you have your own life together, your self-confidence grows and you won't feel so desperate to reunite.
- Love means respecting their wishes and giving them space, not controlling and crowding them. Stepping back also lets them see your strengths.
A reader writes:
I recently broke up with my ex. We have a daughter and planned to marry. But I hurt her many times. This was due to peer pressure and the like, and now I understand what I’ve done and my eyes are open. But she doesn't believe I can change. For a year, I’ve seen her every weekend when she visits her family. I have tried to show her that am serious but she doesn’t see it. I buy her gifts to soothe her heart. I’ve tried to talk with her. Her relatives, her mom, everyone has tried to convince her to be with me, but all in vain.
Should I move on? I feel she is still ignoring me and doesn’t appreciate the efforts I try to make. Kindly advise…thank you.
Dear Kindly,
This does sound like a painful situation. You have my sympathy.
It’s too easy to agree with your assessment and advise, “Sure, move on! You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t ignore you and who appreciates you and your efforts.” But because you have a daughter together, you will continue to see her. It's in everyone's best interests — especially your daughter's — for you to maintain a supportive co-parenting relationship with your ex, at the very least.
You have certainly been devoted to trying to reunite with your ex. Is it possible your efforts come off as desperate, and are merely pushing her away? It is typical for us humans, when a strategy doesn’t work, instead of changing strategies, we just dig in and do it more. Maybe that's one reason she doesn't believe you can change.
So, how about changing strategies? What if, instead of doing more to win her back, you did more to win at life?
Here are four ideas, some questions to ask yourself, and related ways of thinking that can help you reclaim your life, your dignity, and your integrity, which can reduce your pain and improve your relationship with your ex, however that might pan out. Whatever happens, you'll be able to make the best of it.
1. Actions speak louder than words or gifts.
What if you stopped talking, stopped giving her gifts, and simply behaved like the respectful, kind, honest man you say you are now?
- Maybe.....if your words and gifts stop flooding her view, then she might see you more clearly and notice how you’ve really changed.
- Maybe…if you listened instead, you could discover what she really wants and start granting her wishes.
- Maybe…if you stop trying to impress her and simply be at ease with your new self and comfortable in your own skin, then she can notice your integrity and how you really walk the talk.
2. Focus on being you, rather than on being with her.
What if you shifted your focus from winning her back to getting your life back?
- Maybe… if you stop focusing on being with her, you can focus on being the best you can be.
- Maybe....if you focus on living your life, you can cement the changes you want to make in yourself, your attitudes, and your actions.
- Maybe....if you stop crowding her with your insistent presence every weekend and focus on being a good father to your daughter, then your ex can appreciate your presence and your strengths.
3. Focus on respecting her, not winning her.
What if you stopped trying to convince her to be with you, and instead respected her ability to determine for herself what she wants and what is right for her?
- Maybe... if you can accept that she has her own mind and her own life, then she can see that you have truly changed.
- Maybe....if you respect her desires and decisions, then she can feel seen and respected by you.
- Maybe…if you are respectful, then she can respect you.
Why is respect so key? Because when you respect her, you honor her self-respect:
- No self-respecting woman wants to be with a man who begs or tells her to be with him.
- No self-respecting woman wants to be with a man who thinks he knows what's best for her.
- No self-respecting woman wants to be with a man who thinks he can convince her to do what he wants.
And when you practice respecting yourself — having pride and confidence in yourself and behaving with integrity and honor — you will attract a self-respecting woman who can see that you will support her and respect her, instead of trying to own her.
4. If you love her, set her free.
What if you found the courage to stop trying to control her or the situation?
This may be the most challenging part. But if you can practice focusing on (1) being the best you can be, (2) living your life with integrity, and (3) respecting her, then setting her free will come more easily. Why? Because you are essentially practicing setting yourself free too.
- Maybe....if you simply trust her to create a happy life for herself, then you might feel more satisfied, relaxed, and free to focus on creating your own happy life.
- Maybe… if she ultimately decides to be with the new you, then she can be free to return to you on her own terms.
- Maybe… it won’t be too late. Or maybe…. you will have moved on. But by embracing the guidelines above, you will have moved on with integrity, respect, and kindness, with your head held high and ready for a truly fulfilling partnership.
