The Missing Piece for Many Parents: Time to Reflect

The time-crunches of modern life may leave parents little time for a key component of developing effective, warm, and calm parenting practices: time to reflect. Stress, exhaustion, freneticism, and overwork may be edging out the time that parents need to synthesize, abstract, and articulate lessons learned from their experiences.

Research suggests that:

• most Americans suffer from moderate to high levels of stress (American Psychological Association, 2015; Clay, 2011);
• the average mom gets only 17 minutes of time to herself each day (Daily Mail, 2014);
• 56% of working moms and 50% of working dads say they find it very or somewhat difficult to balance work and family life responsibilities (Parker & Wang, 2013);
• 47 percent of people’s waking hours are spent doing anything except being in the moment and focusing on the current activity (Killingsworth and Gilbert, 2010).

Learning from direct experience is much more effective if coupled with reflection, say Harvard researchers Di Stefano and colleagues (2014). Their study also found that when people take time to reflect, it builds their confidence in the ability to achieve a goal (Di Stefano et al., 2014). Reflection may do more than help parents identify what they'd like to do differently—it may also give them the confidence and momentum to do it.

When parents reflect, it helps them reinforce desired behaviors, clear unwanted behaviors, and bring in even more compassion.

An evaluation of an Australian parenting program called Bringing Up Great Kids (BUGK) found that, after reflecting, parents reported “being more mindful, feeling calmer, and listening and responding more positively to their children.” They also reported “having a better understanding of how their upbringing influenced their parenting and how their responses and behaviors affected their children.” One part of the program that resonated with parents was a mindfulness technique called “Stop, Pause, Play” during which parents would stop, pause, and “reflect in the moment” before responding to a child’s action (Hunter and Meredith, n. d.).

Specific reflection questions may be more effective than just "thinking about your week." It may also be helpful to journal about answers or talk about them with a counselor or a partner. Here are a few sample questions. Most are stated in the positive, because, as Barbara Fredrickson highlights through her Broaden And Build Theory, the skill of "pausing on positives” can create upward spirals of momentum to achieve desired lifestyle changes (Fredrickson, 2013).

1. My favorite moment(s) of bonding between my kid(s) and me this week was . . .
2. One loving or present moment with my partner this week was . . .
3. One way I stayed in touch with friends this week was . . .
4. A way I worked some rest or down time into my schedule this week was . . .
5. One thing I did especially well as a parent this week was . . .
6. An unexpected kind thing I did for someone this week was . . .
7. One experience where my senses were “on fire” with love, beauty, happiness, peace, or contentment this week was . . .
8. One way I “filled my cup” or snuck in one of my simple pleasures this week was . . .
9. I am grateful for the way ____ [person’s name] helped me or supported me this week . . .
10. What I’m really loving about my kids this week is . . .
11. Next week, I’m really looking forward to . . .
12. A way I'd like to parent a little better next week is . . .
13. A way I want to connect more with my partner next week is . . .
14. If I had to choose one word to focus on for next week, it would be . . .

Erin Leyba, LCSW, PhD is a counselor in Chicago’s western suburbs. www.erinleyba.com. She is the author of Joy Fixes for Weary Parents: 101 Ideas for Overcoming Fatigue, Stress, and Guilt - and Building a Life You Love (New World Library), available on Amazon, Indie Bound, or Barnes and Noble. Join her on Facebook or sign up to get free articles on parenting with mindfulness and joy.