How to Use Similarity to Ethically Influence Others

Compliance is a behavior performed only because it is requested. Otherwise, it will not happen. What explains this kind of social influence?

Social psychologist Robert Cialdini, in his masterful analysis of compliance, highlights a number of common explanations.

One explanation he calls the liking principle, which simply states that we are more likely to say "yes" to people we like. Most people know this intuitively. If we want someone to comply with a request, we are on our best, likeable behavior. Certainly, we avoid acting in ways that create dislike. It would be bizarre for a rude salesperson to make a sale, for example.

Absent other factors, without liking, compliance is, well, unlikely.

But what determines liking? Many things, but one bedrock factor emphasized by Cialdini is similarity. Generally, we like people who are like us; we dislike people who are unlike us.

I grew up in Durham, North Carolina, which made me, without my planning, a Duke basketball fan. But for the last several decades, I've lived in Lexington, Kentucky, home of the Kentucky Wildcats basketball team. Kentucky fans generally "hate" Duke, going back to the game in 1992 when Duke knocked Kentucky out of the NCAA tournament in a last second overtime shot by Christian Laettner.

Some years ago, my wife and I went shopping for a used car with one of our daughters, then in middle school. She had the habit of wearing a Duke baseball cap pretty much everywhere she went. She played for her middle school basketball team, where her nickname was "Duke." The salesperson approached us and started saying how much respect he had for Duke's coach, "Coach K," who had also been the coach at the time of the 1992 game.

This was a surprise. Usually, I would hear Kentucky fans vilifying Duke's coach. Laettner received even more contempt. A few years ago, someone, knowing I was a Duke fan, gave me a "I still hate Laettner t-shirt." The memory of the game for "Big Blue Nation" casts a long shadow, and it still does.

My instincts and experience told me he didn't believe a word he was saying. I gave him a steady, unresponsive stare as more compliments flowed. Then, suddenly, the spigot ran dry, and he said, "OK, Ok, I admit it. I can't stand Duke. And I hate Coach K too."

I said something like, "I understand, but, hey, let's talk about this maroon Corolla wagon over here."

Clearly, he had hoped to create the illusion of similarity in the domain of sports, generating a degree of liking that might help him make a sale. But his words lacked authenticity. He may have been half choking on them.

Cialdini points out that the effects of similarity on liking are so powerful that it is very, very tempting to create its illusion in compliance settings. He warns against doing so, however.

First, it is unethical. Second, doing so corrodes one's inner, moral self. Third, in the long run, lying ruins one's reputation — that "immortal part" of oneself — rendering one less effective. Fourth, one loses the benefits of a good reputation.

The good news is that similarity can be used ethically. It may just take a little work. Just about any conversation with another person brings out actual domains of similarity. When these similarities surface, give them a little authentic attention. I really like George Jones, the country singer. When I meet someone who also likes George Jones, especially for the same reasons I like him, I feel an immediate warm bond arise naturally. The point is to find such the actual similarities. Most of the time, they are there to be found — and to be brought to the surface in a smooth and satisfying way. They work like magic.

Cialdini makes another important point. The effects of similarity work in both directions. Not only will the person you are trying to influence like you more, but you are also subject to the same process. You will find yourself liking them too.

As you find more and more in common, you might even make a trusted friend.

By the way, being quite the basketball fan myself, I didn't really blame him for his initial fakery. And, as things turned out, we ended up buying the car, anyway.