Family Dynamics

Why We Still Seek Our Parents’ Approval—Even at Christmas

What Hallmark teaches us about family expectations and rewriting old patterns.

Posted November 3, 2025 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.

Key points

Family patterns can change—start with small steps.
Let go of old roles, make room for connection.
Asking for help shows strength, not weakness.

This third installment in my series on Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas explores the difficulty of living under parental expectations—a theme that resonates far beyond holiday movie plots. Last week’s blog examined the ways we sometimes sabotage our romantic relationships, often without realizing it. Christmas on Duty reminds us that even amid festive cheer, many people struggle with the invisible weight of trying to live up to a parent’s standards or making peace with the feeling that they’ll never be “enough.”

In Christmas on Duty, Blair Birch (Janel Parrish) and Josh Cannon (Parker Young) are two decorated military officers who trained together at Quantico and became fierce rivals. When Blair is promoted into the position Josh always wanted, their friendship fractures. Years later, they’re unexpectedly reunited at a holiday base party—where their lingering resentment explodes into a public argument. Their commanding officer, tired of their tension, assigns them to “Christmas duty” together for 24 hours. A snowstorm soon threatens to cancel deliveries to the base’s families, forcing Blair and Josh to work side by side to save Christmas for the children.

Viewed through the lens of family systems theory, Blair and Josh’s dynamic isn’t just about professional rivalry—it’s about the emotional patterns we carry from childhood into adulthood. Family systems theory suggests that individuals never exist in isolation; we’re shaped by the relational systems in which we grew up. Blair’s perfectionism and reluctance to seek help mirror patterns common in families where achievement is equated with worth. Josh’s defensiveness and competitiveness reflect a different but related legacy: the drive to earn approval by outperforming others. Both are reenacting learned roles within a broader “family” system—the military hierarchy that mimics parental approval and sibling rivalry.

Their eventual collaboration represents what family theorists call differentiation of self—the ability to maintain one’s identity while staying emotionally connected to others. By acknowledging their vulnerabilities, Blair and Josh loosen the rigid roles that once defined them. By confronting their parents about these rigid roles, they allow for a change in patterns that improve their relationships. This all happens in a very Hallmark way — through a snowball fight, all conflict is solved. The movie’s emotional resolution reminds viewers that, just as in real families, change is possible when people recognize the patterns they’re part of and choose connection over competition.

What We Can Learn from Christmas on Duty

The lessons Blair and Josh discover on screen echo challenges many of us face off screen—especially around the holidays, when family roles and expectations often resurface. Here are a few ways to apply the film’s insights to your own relationships:

1. Notice the family roles you play.
Family systems theory reminds us that we often fall into predictable roles—like the achiever, the peacekeeper, or the problem-solver. Ask yourself: What role do I take on when I’m around family? Awareness is the first step toward change.

2. Practice differentiation.
Maintaining your own identity doesn’t mean cutting emotional ties. Try expressing your opinions and needs calmly, even when others disagree. Differentiation means staying grounded in who you are while remaining open and connected.

3. Redefine strength.
If, like Blair, you equate asking for help with weakness, challenge that belief. True emotional strength includes the courage to admit when you’re struggling and to reach out for support.

4. Release perfectionism.
Perfectionism is often a legacy of conditional approval—believing love must be earned through performance. Remind yourself that your worth isn’t tied to achievement or meeting someone else’s standard.

5. Invite change—gently.
Patterns in families can shift when one person changes their response. You can’t control how others behave, but you can control your tone, your timing, and your willingness to see things differently.

Like Christmas on Duty, family growth doesn’t require a dramatic plot twist—just small acts of openness, forgiveness, and empathy. Sometimes, that’s enough to rewrite the family story.