Perfectionism

Getting Real: 7 Problems to Becoming Our Authentic Selves

Becoming ourselves: 7 problems along the way

Posted October 31, 2014

Getting Real: 7 Problems to Becoming Our Authentic Selves

Get real, be authentic, be yourself - great advice. But what makes it so damn difficult? What are the forces against arriving on the scene just as you truly are? The project of being or becoming ourselves can be met with some potent headwinds. Here are 7 problems many face:

#1: The Problem of Abuse and Trauma

How many of us have suffered some level of trauma or abuse, be that in our homes, in our schools, amongst our friends, or in the culture at large? I dare say almost everyone is left with some scars and defensive mechanisms designed to cope and survive. In fact, some of these coping mechanisms survive years or generations after the violating event, as is the case when confronted with the most potent forms of child abuse, sexual abuse, racism, and more. This fact led famed psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, to the notion of a “false self”—a persona or “defensive façade”—developed early in life to protect us from re-experiencing trauma. [1] The problem is that the “true self”—that based on authentic experience—is hidden, suppressed, and often unknown while simply giving the appearance of being real. In the words of Dr. Tian Dayton,“If you are bold enough to confront, take on, or critique a false self behavior....well...look out.” Getting real is no easy task; instead, it is one that can be met with great pain and hostility on the part of others who currently “enjoy” your façade.

#2: The Problem of Restrictive Gender Roles

Cultural notions and powerful stereotypes abound about how men and women should feel and behave. In fact, one of the greatest selling books of all time, perhaps outsold only by The Bible and Mao’s Little Red Book, is John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus which has sold old over 50 million copies!

If we believe Gray, men are thinkers and women are feelers; men strive to solve problems, and women complain so they will be listened to; men deal with stress by being alone, and women deal with stress by talking; and men are happy when they accomplish goals, and women are happy when they feel nurtured. [2] Much of mainstream culture views these differences between men and women as predictable and invariable. But modern wisdom, research, and experience clearly show that these are more like social scripts dictating how we are supposed to act, not how we truly are. [3] Drs. and researchers Kenneth Davidson and Nelwyn Moore write, "Although there are some genetically determined sex differences, most are not innate but instead have been learned through socialization."

Men’s true selves suffer by being encouraged, even psychologically coerced, into being stoic, aggressive, and essentially anti-feminine. A telltale symptom of this bias is told by the fact that over 20 million men have used Viagra and it is fast becoming a recreational drug men are becoming dependent upon. College students are even taking Viagra at parties just for fun. On the other hand, most men won’t seek counseling though 6 million men suffer from depression! Men are “trying to be men”—meaning being hard and ready as opposed to being vulnerable, feeling, or asking for help.

The restrictiveness of the role for women is arguably worse. The ubiquity of gender stereotypes for women are promulgated even by the likes of Harvard President Lawrence Summers who argued that men outperform women in math and sciences because of biological difference, and discrimination is no longer a career barrier for female academics.

And most recently, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella told an audience full of women in technology that they shouldn't ask for raises suggesting that silence is the key to success in the workplace. Apparently, being an empowered woman valued for her intelligence, creativity, and wisdom is still met with ignorance and mean-spiritedness amongst our finest institutions and leading corporations.

There can be little doubt that the pressure to conform to gender roles impacts women and men psychologically, emotionally, physically, and fiscally tightening the noose of traditional roles and keeping people from expanding their identities beyond these limits.

#3: The Problem of Trying to Look Good (including appearing healthy, fit, confident, happy, and spiritual)

In case you haven’t noticed, the way we are supposed to look, behave, and feel is clearly defined by mainstream culture. The evidence is everywhere: a $50 billion diet industry, magazine covers showing idealized bodies, and articles and blog posts telling us how to appear confident (regardless of how sensitive we are), how to look younger (regardless of how mature we are), how to avoid looking nervous (regardless of the situation), and more. On the spiritual front, we are told to be grateful and forgiving; on the physical front we are told what to eat and how to sleep; on the relational front we are told how to communicate, make love, and choose partners. It is a veritable set of instructions on “how to be you” excluding the most important component – who you really are!

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Personally, I’m with the now-departed Maya Angelou when she wrote, in her inaugural poem, “On the Pulse of Morning,” telling us to take what is deepest and truest inside of us and make that visible to the world. In her words, “Mold it into the shape of your most private need. Sculpt it into the image of your most public self.”

#4: The Problem of Conventional Notions of Success

The truth is that our paths are as varied as we are diverse. Some people serve, some pursue money, some take care of children, some make art, some wash dishes, some are too pained or disabled physically or emotionally to work in the world, and some have gifts that turn their energies toward things that are not conventionally valued. Nonetheless, there is a great pressure to gain status and income (in addition to a fundamental need to have a minimal life-sustaining level of income). While I have no quarrel with status or financial success, when this becomes the “bottom line” for our self-evaluation, we begin to curb and cut off aspects of ourselves that don’t fit. Qualities that do not resonate with market values, like tenderness or sensitivity, do not flourish. And, paths we may take that foster less conventional success become less likely. As opposed to ideas such as, “Do what you want and the money will follow,” I would rather promulgate the wisdom, “Do what you want and you get to do what you want.” Whether money and traditional success follows is not a certain thing.

Noted public intellectual, Dr. Cornel West, writes, “When you end up obsessed with success rather than greatness, prosperity rather than magnanimity, security rather than integrity – you end up with a generation of peacocks.The problem is “peacocks strut because they can’t fly.” Unfortunately, this particular species of peacock does not display our unique colors but those promoted by mainstream notions of success.

#5: The Problem of Being Rational at the Expense of Our Feelings

One element of the course I taught in critical thinking at the University of Phoenix promoted the notion that our emotions get in the way of our ability to be rational. The same idea is furthered by much of mainstream thinking. Indeed, the prevalence of the rational model and the alienation of emotions have dominated our thinking.

Our feelings, however, have an intelligence of their own. We feel hurt because something is hurting us; we feel angry because something is provoking our reaction; we feel compassion because we are moved and empathize. Even feelings like depression, sadness, and anxiety are worthy of our understanding as they offer insight into who we are and the conditions we find ourselves in. In fact, when it comes to the most difficult problems and conflicts of the day, it is the emotional difficulties that require the most attention and understanding. Our insistence that problems must be resolved by being rational acts as a fierce form of denial.

The continual encouragement to be rational at the expense of our feelings is dangerous to the project of knowing and becoming ourselves as well as building relationships with the earth, it’s creatures, and the rest of the human family.

#6: The Problem of Perfectionism

Seeking the right answer, trying to get it right or be perfect can turn us away from following our deeper instincts, truth, or nature. Psychologist Gordon Flett, Ph.D., who spent decades researching perfectionism, said, “For many perfectionists, that “together” image is just an emotionally draining mask and underneath they feel like imposters.” Perfectionism derails the project of being and becoming ourselves.

Alarmingly, he found that perfectionism can actually be deadly and that many people who commit suicide are afraid of failure—the other side of perfectionism.

#7: The Problem of Fundamentalism

Holding onto absolutes, especially in terms of right and wrong, often devolves into fundamentalisms that injure the self and others thru stereotypes and projection.

Fundamentalism is marked by a deeply held set of beliefs that identify one set of teachings as the fundamental truth diametrically opposed to some opposite idea that is fought against. “It provides a sense of security when the sense of self is shaky. Reality is replaced with delusions, perspectives with myopia.”

Fundamentalism is not limited to the domain of religion. Some are fundamentalists about money measuring the value of things in financial terms believing that money is the ultimate measure of worth; some are fundamentalists regarding their philosophy about life, for example, holding ideas about personal independence as sacrosanct; and many are fundamentalists about their idea of reality telling their friends, children, and others that certain things are “just not reality” or “not the way things really are.”

These rigidly held beliefs close the mind and heart to the various paths and possibilities of expression that we are capable of, the expressions inherent to our natures. They create a fiercely defended opposition to any movement outside of these beliefs even when that movement is who we really are.

Carl Jung held that individuation—the project of unfolding the flower that we are into an expression of our deepest and truest selves—as the essential goal of psychology. This task is met with dragons, demons, and giants as well as guardian angels and helping hands as we proceed. The rewards can only be assessed by the sound the trumpet of our soul makes when we listen deep inside; the costs of abandoning the project can be witnessed in the faces of the soulless and depressed, and the violence in its wake. We can face the dragons, even slay them at times; we can follow our night time and day time dreams; we can find allies to help our voices cry or call out; we can meet the challenge of our life project with a clear and certain “YES.” That is my hope; that is my intention in beginning to identify the headwinds along the way.

[1] D. W. Winnicott, "Ego distortion in terms of true and false self," in The Maturational Process and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. New York: International UP Inc., 1965, pp. 140-152.

[2] John Gray, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships. New York: Harper Collings, 1992.

[3] Arlene Skolnick, The Intimate Environment: Exploring Marriage and the Family, 5th ed., 1992, 190.

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