3 Ways Gift-Giving Can Cause Relationship Stress

As the holidays approach, many of us start to think about how we might give to others. Perhaps we set aside extra funds for our favorite charity, devote time to serving at a local soup kitchen, or collaborate with a local nonprofit to ensure that the less fortunate will receive gifts over the holiday season. Giving to the needy not only uplifts others, but it also brings us joy, as well.

Giving Can Be Loaded

But while we may enjoy providing for those we’ve never met, many of us struggle with complicated emotions when it comes to giving to those we know very well. While giving is wonderful when there is a rich give-and-take, expressive of appreciation and mutual recognition, it is problematic when we feel obligated to give to maintain appearances; when we give to keep the other person from being angry, disappointed, or hurt; and when we give in order to cover up our own feelings of being unwanted or unworthy.

This is true in family relationships, and, more so, in romantic ones. For romantic relationships, the stakes are different. There is much lower pressure to stay together, whereas with family it’s rare to really break off relationships. With family, you’re pretty sure they will stick around, but with a romantic partner, you never know.

More is on the line with romantic partners, on average, including often seeking a lifelong compatible partner, possibly raising children together, and a significant investment of time and resources. With that in mind, here are three of the most common patterns we see when presents are present:

1. Giving to maintain appearances. When we engage in inauthentic efforts to make it look like there is a loving relationship when the feelings just aren’t there, gift-giving becomes a hollow gesture designed to maintain the status quo. An expensive bracelet, a thoughtful gift that seems right on the mark, or something pragmatic or silly—if the goal is to pretend things are good, the deception often works, because both people maintain the conceit. This prevents us from discovering whether there are deeper issues in our relationship and undermines the potential for repair and growth. On the other hand, even when it is uncomfortable, recognizing when generosity and gratitude have become a song-and-dance routine allows us to move forward, risking disruption and gaining the chance of something better.

2. Giving to manipulate the other person. Many dysfunctional relationships are marked by intimidation and emotional manipulation. This can range from the use of guilt trips to pressure the other person into doing things for them to abuse and neglect. Gift-giving can become a flashpoint for such machinations as the pressure to produce perfect gifts escalates. Rather than going with “it’s the thought that counts,” gift choice becomes a pass-fail test that is destined to fail. Proving the other person is deficient is the real purpose, and so there is no way to win. This perpetuates relationship dysfunction, where one partner bends over backward to perform, and the other person never applauds their efforts.

3. Giving to cover up insecurities. Giving is a sign of an unhealthy relationship when the purpose of giving is to try to shore up feelings of inadequacy. We may be trying to take care of the other person in ways we never had been in our own lives, either to compensate for our own deprivations or to secretly signal to the other person how they should treat us, without being open about our needs. We may be trying too hard, giving excessively lavish gifts, planning elaborate adventures, or looking for exaggerated praise and expressions of appreciation (which never fill the inner sense of inadequacy). Pressured giving and unrealistic expectations are sure to undermine holiday closeness and joy.

Seeking Meaning and Connection

The holidays bring with them a lot of stress, but we can mitigate some of the anxiety around gift-giving with awareness. When we start to notice that giving and receiving gifts is becoming suffused with anxiety, pressure, fear, obsession, and persistent feelings of unease and negative expectation, it’s time to slow down and question what’s happening. Many times, there are long-standing patterns of dysfunction in the relationship, which are grounded in unseen fears of intimacy.

When we see this, let’s try to remember to hit pause. We know that distress often interferes with what experts call “executive function." There’s nothing like interpersonal problems with loved ones over the holidays to throw us off and make it even more likely to fall into old ways. By recognizing telltale signs around gift-giving, we can refocus on what is meaningful, set the stage for better relationships, and get the jump on early New Year’s resolutions. When we harness our own tendencies for dysfunction through self-recognition, compassion, and thoughtful, detailed consideration, we create advantage from distress and confusion.

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