How to Overcome Feeling Insecure in Your Relationship
Cultivating the courage to speak from your heart.
Posted September 17, 2016
Most of us feel insecure in relationship from time to time.
But for some, it’s a chronic condition that never subsides. Insecurity in a relationship prevents us from speaking our truth, being genuine and honest with our partner and ourselves, and expressing what we really need and want. When we don’t trust the relationship, we control and contract our heart, to protect us from what we fear. As a result, the relationship itself can never fully bloom.
When insecurity is present, we live and relate from fear. Fear is toxic to intimacy.
We remain convinced that we are not what our partner really wants and often spend our energy accumulating supporting evidence for our belief that we are going to be discarded. We can never really settle into the relationship and allow ourselves to be who we are; it doesn’t feel safe to let ourselves be truly seen.
First, it is important to examine the relationship realistically:
Are there things your partner is doing or saying that contribute to your insecurity, for example, putting you down or talking about other potential partners? These issues need to be addressed, openly, honestly, within the relationship. Naming the behavior and its impact, as in, “When you talk that way about me, it creates insecurity,” can not only be empowering, but also can engender unexpected change.
Rather than tolerating the hurtful behavior in the hopes that saying nothing will improve your chances of keeping the relationship, in fact, bringing the truth to the table, allowing yourself to not be okay with everything, will ultimately do more to calm your insecurity.
But often, the real cause of insecurity is not what our partner is doing or saying, although that can and does contribute.
The root of insecurity, usually, is a core belief that who we are is not good, not enough and not deserving. We are not born with this belief but rather learn it when we’re young, when someone we deeply care about, through words, behaviors, or other means, teaches us that we are, ultimately, not loveable.
Sadly, we can carry this belief in and out of relationships over a lifetime without ever addressing it, always living in fear that our unlovable-ness will be re-proven once again. We can spend our entire lives trying to get our relationships to contradict what we fundamentally believe, while often, paradoxically, choosing people who end up supporting our belief.
The early hurt, which sedimentized into a core belief, is what needs to be met in order for insecurity to truly ease.
Rather than running from our belief, we must, counterintuitively, turn towards it, listen to, understand, welcome, and ultimately, come to love the part of ourself that feels unlovable. By opening our heart to our own sense of unworthiness and the suffering that our belief in it has caused, we inexplicably discover our fundamental worth, which when deeply known, sustains us both in and out of relationship. Our own loving relationship with ourselves, including all our parts, is, ultimately, the antidote to insecurity in our relationships with others.