8 Tips for Custody Evidence After Domestic Violence

Co-authored with Jenny Lohner, Ed.D.

If your relationship with a child's other parent is over and you cannot agree on custody, you may be facing a custody evaluation. Typically, the evaluator will interview parents and their children separately and will sometimes administer psychological tests to determine parental fitness. The stakes couldn’t be higher. Judges often base their decisions about parenting time and legal custody on the evaluator’s report.

Unfortunately, most custody/parenting evaluators have no specialized training in domestic abuse and may be unfamiliar with the ways abuse can make people appear in psychological evaluations. Presenting your evidence well will help you achieve your desired outcome.

Organizing Custody Evaluation Evidence

You need to provide the custody evaluator with evidence of the family dynamics and your parenting style. But how? How can you condense years of interactions into a format that will help a stranger understand what you’ve been through? What should you include and what should you leave out? The evidence should tell the story of your relationship accurately, from your perspective. It's best to check with your attorney, if you have one, before sending materials to the evaluator. Your attorney may want to preview the materials before you send them.

8 Tips for Custody Evaluator Evidence After Domestic Violence

1. Collect and digitize your materials. Start by digitizing or converting each piece of evidence into an electronic file format like a PDF, Word document, or JPEG (picture format). This allows you to refer your custody evaluator back to a digitized document if needed. One of the easiest ways to do this is to use your phone to photograph and convert your documents into a PDF. Then upload the PDF to an online repository like DropBox or Google Drive for easy access. Many PDF apps exist in the app marketplace.

2. Label each document with the date and a clear identifier. For example, “April 2, 2025 - Police Report” or “April 16, 2025 - Recording, getting kicked out of the house.” Labeling documents helps the evaluator find and keep track of each piece of evidence.

3. Categorize the evidence into domains of coercive control. Once your evidence is digitized and organized in electronic folders, create sub-folders of categories that are relevant to evaluating risk to you and the children. Here are some of the categories that you might want to include. Just leave out those that don't apply to your situation.

• Child Abuse or Neglect (and other questionable behavior with the children)
• Court Orders and Legal Documents (your attorney may want to provide these, instead)
• Financial Abuse
• Intimidation and Threats
• Isolation
• Monitoring
• Physical Abuse/Violence
• Post-Separation Abuse
• Primary Caregiving Records (e.g., documents that show who brought the children to doctor’s appointments or attended parent-teacher conferences)
• Sexual Abuse of You
• Substance Abuse
• Verbal Abuse and Gaslighting
• Violations of Court Orders
• Weapons

4. Include compelling and convincing evidence only. Look for the best evidence possible in each category and exclude the rest. For instance, maybe you want to show that you were the primary parent. What evidence do you have—or might you be able to find—that demonstrates this? Does the pediatrician’s office list who brought the children to medical appointments? If not, do you have a family calendar or text messages showing who brought the children to medical (and dental) visits? Do you have an email record showing that you arranged playdates, summer camps, parent/teacher conferences, and extracurricular activities? Can you show that you took care of the children frequently or for extended periods when their other parent was busy or away?

5. Contextualize your evidence. Provide a brief note on each document or within each folder explaining why the piece of evidence matters. For example, “In this folder is evidence of domestic violence. [Abuser’s name] became verbally abusive toward me in 2011 when I was pregnant with our first child, and his behaviors escalated to physical violence in 2015.” Upload this summary into the relevant subfolder. Ensure it is the first document the evaluator sees when opening the subfolder. An easy way to do this is to relabel the document with a “1” or “A” preceding the document. For instance, “1_Physical Abuse.”

6. Prioritize child-centered evidence. When considering what to include, ask yourself, “Does this document show potential for danger or harm to the child?” If so, include it with the materials for the evaluator. If not, consider whether you should leave it out. You want to show that you are protective but not combative or controlling. For instance, you may be angry that your ex was unfaithful, but the evaluator is focused on child safety. Focusing on infidelity could unfortunately play into your ex’s narrative that you are a vengeful spouse rather than a concerned parent.

Domestic Violence Essential Reads

When Reporting Abuse Brings Retaliation

How to Document Coercive Control for Court

7. Condense your evidence. Your job here is to present your position accurately. More is not better. Avoid lengthy diaries unless you can provide an index to help the evaluator find specific sections. Avoid overwhelming the evaluator with documents. Most evaluators have limited time and scope for their investigation. Pare down your evidence and provide only relevant materials. Limit your evidence to no more than 10 pieces for each folder. Less is better if the material is compelling. Avoid evidence that portrays you in a negative light. Avoid evidence that is combative or petty or makes you appear to be engaging in mutual conflict. Exclude evidence of personal faults that may seem petty, such as your ex’s poor hygiene, failure to mark Mother's Day or Valentine’s Day, or annoying habits like leaving the TV on too loud. Sticking to high-level compelling evidence will help secure your credibility.

8. Include collateral letters and contacts. Letters from friends and family provide a third-party perspective on the abuser’s behavior and your parenting style. It’s better to have three to five letters from people who have seen you with the children, or who know you or the children well, than it is to have 12 letters from people who know you less well.

You can secure your credibility and help the evaluator see patterns of behavior that harm the children by organizing your evidence in a clear, concise, convincing, and compelling manner. Along with well-planned home visits and interviews, these documents will help you better position yourself for a legal outcome that will protect you and your children.