Soldiers Who Are Domestic Violence Victims

Source: Liza Summer/Pexels

Co-authored with Rachel Arment, JD, Texas attorney and former Army Judge Advocate and Military Prosecutor.

No one welcomes or invites domestic abuse. Certain life experiences may make a person less likely to recognize it. Our experience suggests that military training may prime people to suffer intimate partner abuse in silence. The following quote is from a woman who married a non-military man shortly after she left the military.

“I can see how a military background, where their intention is to break you down, set me up to accept life with my husband. In bootcamp and as an enlisted person in the army, mistreatment was normal. I was expected to perform well under stress and duress. I did not have much of my identity or self-worth left. When I got together with my abuser, I felt a lot of pride and identity in helping him and his kids. I cooked elaborate meals, made his place into a home, and kept his house clean. I sucked it up when he was nasty, demanding, and unkind.” –A former military service member who became a victim of domestic abuse

Enlistees are generally quite young when they join the military. Their training and early service may be their first job, their first time away from home, and their first time out of the United States, if they ship out. These new experiences come with the expectation of total dedication. Employment is contracted rather than at will. Someone who is kicked out or who chooses to resign is seen as failing in the core values.

Military members face financial and logistic incentives to get and stay married. This can prompt quick marriages between two young people who barely know each other. The military context complicates ending marriages, too, if there is a risk that one parent will be stationed far away from the other. This makes it harder to end a marriage when one partner abuses the other.

Military Values

Each branch of the military has its own short list of core values, including such noble aspirations as honor, duty, courage, commitment, loyalty, toughness, and integrity. It is difficult to argue with these values in the abstract. At the same time, it is easy to see how these values can be distorted into an expectation to tolerate an abusive relationship. For instance, “My duty is to stay with my husband,” or “I am tough enough to take this beating,” or “I need to bear these challenges honorably.”

The following military values and experiences may prime service members for domestic abuse: either inflicting it or enduring it.

1. Punishment: The Use of Corrective Action, Mocking and Name-Calling

Conversations between senior and junior service members generally consist of orders to do something. Or, even more likely, telling the junior member how badly they messed up a task. Often, the senior member will “break it down Barney-style,” criticizing the junior member in a biting, condescending way. It is easy to see how this might translate to being willing to suffer through an abuser’s grilling or verbal abuse. And military members may learn this critical style from their commanding officers. While some say the military has become "kinder and gentler" in recent years, reports of mistreatment still abound.

2. Extra Duties

A very junior service member may be assigned demeaning duties as a punishment. These duties may not only be distasteful, but they take away from any possible “free time.” This parallels an abuser’s micromanagement. Abusers also frequently interfere with their partners’ rest.

3. Embrace the Suck

This phrase, common in harsh military environments, guides service members to put their whole heart into whatever task is before them. It may be horribly unpleasant, grueling, or impossible—but it must be done. It may seem intolerable, but it must be survived. And do not get emotional about it! Showing emotions is not considered "soldierly." Similarly, domestic abuse narrows a target’s attention to surviving what they face. A variation on this value is, “Suck it up, Buttercup.” This is an admonition to just get on with it, and stop complaining or pointing out problems. This parallels abusers’ denial and minimization of their actions. Denying events or their severity is a form of gaslighting (Sweet, 2019).

5. High Speed Smarts

Being “high speed/low drag” refers to someone who does not need extra explanation to follow orders. High-speed service members don’t need instructions. They anticipate their commander’s orders and complete the job with little to no guidance. An oft-referenced story used in military leadership training is “A Message to Garcia.” In this parable, a junior soldier was told to deliver a message to a man named Garcia in Cuba without asking any other questions or delaying delivery. This heavily fictionalized story conveys that a person who is sufficiently motivated can accomplish anything.

Domestic Violence Essential Reads

When Men Apply for Protection Under the Violence Against Women Act

Spotting Domestic Violence in the Workplace

6. Emphasis on Appearance

Success in the military requires keeping up a “military bearing” at all times. This includes physical appearance and facing challenges without breaking down. Sometimes this is referred to as being “squared away,” with every hair in place, tidy, clean, and thin. Instilled at work, this emphasis can normalize an abuser’s attacks on their appearance, including their weight, clothing, hair, and facial features. Domestic abuse also deteriorates a person’s appearance as they are stressed, have trouble sleeping, live in fear, etc. A domestic abuse victim typically tells no one about the abuse, keeping up the appearance of a happy family. Military members and their families feel this intense pressure to look as if everything is "fine" even more than others, since often their income, housing, and pension depend on just one source. Some commanders will try to handle domestic violence themselves, rather than following protocol, in an attempt to make their squadron look good.

Resources for Military Members & Spouses Who Are Victims of Domestic Abuse

Trauma-focused psychotherapies such as EMDR, DBT, CPT, and trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy will provide hope and pathways to recovery once the victimized person is living in safety.

Specialized resources include:

• MilitaryOneSource.com lays out the options available to help victims report domestic abuse.
• The Military Family Advocacy Program is the Defense Department Program charged with addressing issues of family violence in the military. It provides services to military members, their partners and families.
• Safehelpline.org is an anonymous and confidential civilian hotline focusing on sexual assault for the Department of Defense community. They provide guidance, and referrals to people affected by sexual and intimate partner abuse (Acosta et al, 2021).
• A medical facility’s victim advocate or a special victim counsel at the military installation’s legal assistance office can provide education and advice prior to making a report.
• Military restraining orders can be put in place for a non-military spouse. However, these are exclusive to the base.
• If the abuser is in the military, then the decision about how and where to file a report determines whether commanders or other officials will become involved in the domestic abuse issues. Some commanders will handle them well, others will not. If crimes including domestic violence are committed by active duty military members off base, local law enforcement and courts have the option of prosecuting or turning the process over to military officials. But even an off-base prosecution will usually result in on-base action against the member.
• All victimized service members are encouraged to consult military victim advocates (found through MilitaryOneSource) to decide if they should pursue civilian court actions in addition to any military ones.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.