Eldest Children Suffer Under Coercive Control Domestic Violence

Co-authored with Julie Nee

All children suffer in families where one partner abuses and controls the other (Stark, 2023). In our work, we have seen that first-born child often suffer the most. In coercive control, one person dominates their partner through tactics including intimidation, isolation, and emotional, physical, sexual, and financial abuse (Fontes, 2015). Coercive control creates a deeply toxic environment that interferes with children’s emotional development (Callaghan, 2018 & Stark, 2023). (The terms "coercive control" and "domestic violence" are considered virtually interchangeable by psychologists today, and we use both here.)

Abusers coercively control their children through threats, manipulative withdrawal of attention, and verbal and physical aggression (Champion, 2022). Abusers may also gain compliance through incentives such as extra attention, gifts, and outings. These parenting tactics prompt children to become overly compliant with the abuser, and often defiant with the victim. Children are co-victims of domestic abusers' behavior (Stark, 2023).

The Impact of Coercive Control on the Eldest Child

Unfortunately, we were unable to find research on how coercive control domestic violence affects children according to birth order. And we know additional variables may complicate the picture, such as blended families, social class, and culture. Nevertheless, we have both worked with enough families that we are comfortable making the following observations about how the eldest child may be especially impacted, or impacted first, before the abuser focuses on the younger children.

1. The "Trial Run" Effect. Abusers use the first-born child as the "trial run" for their controlling behaviors, using harsher discipline and holding more rigid expectations for them than for their younger siblings.

2. More Time Under Control. If the protective parent separates from the abuser, the first-born child will have been in the home full-time with the abuser longer than younger siblings. This extended exposure increases the likelihood of long-term psychological harm (Katz, 2020).

3. Firstborns Protecting Younger Siblings. First-born children often safeguard their younger siblings. Under ordinary circumstances, this caring role can be quite positive. But when one parent is abusive, the eldest child will be overwhelmed. Children cannot protect themselves or others from an abusive adult. The pressure can lead to long-term mental health issues, including low self-esteem and strained relationships (Stark, 2007).

We know of an eldest son who would shepherd his three younger siblings into the closet and play music on his phone to lessen their fear during their father’s outbursts. We know of an eldest daughter who would secretly record the father yelling at her siblings, to share this information with the custody evaluator. Sometimes the eldest children, and especially sons, directly confront a mother’s abuser, which puts their lives at risk.

4. Firstborns Becoming Abusive Post-Separation. Male abusers often try to pull their eldest child (especially sons) into the abuse of their mothers. This worsens upon separation. We know of abusers who induced their eldest sons to lock their victimized moms out of the home, steal documents, spy on them, assault them, lie to custody evaluators, erase files and photographs from the moms' devices, and bully their siblings. This dynamic creates significant emotional conflict for all the siblings, including the eldest (Katz, 2020; Stark, 2022 & 2023).

5. Perfectionism and Overachievement. Some first-born children cope with the pressure by striving for perfection. They may believe that excelling in school, sports, or other areas will forestall the abuser's wrath. Yet a child’s performance cannot stop an abuser from causing harm—and a child’s continued striving for approval can lead to deep feelings of inadequacy and fear (Hardesty, et al, 2011).

6. Deteriorated School Performance. Some children from homes with domestic abuse consider school a refuge and perform well. More typically, the trauma of exposure to an abuser interferes with a child’s learning and behavior in school (Thain, 2024). This can look like ADHD.

McGee (2000) quotes a 15-year-old: "I would be at school thinking, ‘What if he's come back?’ or ‘What if I go home and Mum isn't there?’ or ‘What if something has happened?’ So I was always a nervous wreck and then like I just wouldn't do any of my work." Other children say that they cannot sleep well at night due to their fear and worry. Poor sleep then contributes to worsened school performance.

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7. Long-Lasting Effects. Abusers’ controlling tactics create psychological scars that can remain with children into their adult years. The following emotions can be found in children exposed to domestic violence: Fear, worry, powerlessness, sadness, anger, confusion, shame and guilt (Noble-Carr, Moore and McArthur, 2020). Whether the abuse was slow-burning or explosive, the children experienced “disruption, losses, and challenges to their significant relationships.” Children exposed to domestic violence are at higher risk of developing PTSD, complex PTSD, and other mental health issues even long after leaving the abusive environment (e.g. Ferrera-Silva et al, 2024).

How Psychotherapists and Protective Parents Can Help

1. Acknowledge Children’s Experience. Let the child know that their feelings are valid and that the abuse they experienced is real. Acknowledge their pain. Remind them that the abuse is not their fault, even if the abuser blames them. This is particularly important for first-born children who tend to feel overly responsible.
2. Provide Stability and Routine. Children feel more secure with a stable living situation, clear boundaries, and emotional reassurance. Children thrive with predictability such as set mealtimes and bedtimes, as well as weekly routines such as Taco Tuesdays. Post-separation, children should be protected from abusers' chaos.
3. Create Orderly Calm. Abusers create constant turmoil; establishing impossibly rigid rules, indulging children's every whim, enforcing inconsistent discipline, and abusing substances. Abusers’ behavior terrorizes children, whether the behavior is aimed directly at the child or at another person (Stark, 2023). Substance abuse or mental illness may make the terror worse but are not the cause. On any given day, the child does not know what mood the abuser will be in, what will set them off, or if it is safe to go home. To outsiders, this way of living can seem messy. But to children, it is sheer terror (Stark, 2023). Protective parents should aim to create a home that is the opposite of the abuser’s chaos—a place where children can rest, explore, and feel appreciated.
4. Encourage Open Communication Where Safe. Help children learn to identify and share their feelings with safe others, without fear of judgment. Phrases that can be helpful include, “That sounds so difficult" and “I can understand why you would feel this way.”
5. Trauma-Informed Therapy. Trauma-informed therapists help children process their experiences and develop strategies for managing strong feelings. Protective parents should consider psychotherapy and protective parenting training for themselves, too, so they will have the tools needed for their trauma recovery.
6. Rebuild Children’s Sense of Agency. Children benefit from engaging in activities that they enjoy, and which help them feel competent. Making decisions about large and small matters in their lives, where appropriate, can help them regain a sense of agency and control.

Coercive control affects all family members, but the first-born child often carries a particularly heavy load. Protective parents and psychotherapists can be a vital force in their healing journey. Stability, support, and the space to express their feelings give children the boost they need to recover from the trauma of coercive control domestic abuse.

We would like to thank Dr. Christine Cocchiola for her insights regarding the needs of children harmed by coercive control.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.