A Most Disturbing Tactic of Abuse and Control in a Relationships

People who have been drugged without their knowledge are rarely sure what happened. They may wake up groggy and believe they are hungover, or that their head is clouded from medication or illness. If their partner drugs them regularly, they may routinely feel weak, confused, and physically or mentally ill. They may feel grateful and dependent on the (abusive) partner who seems to be taking care of them. After all, who thinks their partner would drug them?

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Let’s explore how the deliberate drugging of a partner shows up in the lives of real people. These accounts are drawn from conversations with victim-survivors, with permission. Also, those who drug their partners typically abuse them in other ways, too.

Drugging to Increase Control

Being administered a drug can leave a victim foggy-headed, which makes them vulnerable to other forms of abuse.

Once, Lily's boyfriend, Mike, handed her what she thought was cold medicine, but she now believes it must have been a tranquilizer. She woke up 10 hours later with no memory of what happened. They laughed about how “tired” she must have been. Months later, Lily discovered that Mike had installed hidden cameras in her apartment when she was “out” from the drug.

Marta’s husband would sometimes bring her a glass of juice before her afternoon naps. She describes waking up groggy from these naps; this has not happened again since they broke up. Looking back, she believes he was drugging her so he could call his girlfriends, go through her phone and computer, and steal money from her bank accounts.

Chris drugged his wife the day before a drug screening for a new job. She failed the test and was denied the job, making it harder for her to leave the relationship.

Drugging to Disable or Even Kill

Victim-survivors who are drugged may have difficulty functioning in daily life, making escape more difficult.

Cassie was a healthy woman when she started dating Charlie. After marriage and a couple of children, Cassie began to suffer from hives, stomachaches, joint pain, headaches, weakness, and exhaustion. She was barely able to leave her bed. She thought she was depressed and sick with some mysterious ailment. Charlie accompanied her to doctors’ offices, but her symptoms were never fully diagnosed. One day, Cassie overheard Charlie tell their kids that “Mommy is going to leave us soon,” and realized her husband might be poisoning her. She quickly escaped with her children, and all her symptoms melted away. She assumes Charlie was poisoning her through some substance that he placed in the food that he “lovingly” brought to her bedside each day. She was too frightened to contact the police.

Dan reports that his boyfriend, Sam, offered to take charge of his medication for a newly diagnosed illness, and the doctor did not understand why Dan was not getting better. The doctor kept increasing the dosage and Dan kept deteriorating. Dan eventually discovered that Sam had been giving him a different medication altogether and seemed to enjoy watching Dan deteriorate.

Drugging to Sexually Assault

Bill Cosby’s alleged use of tranquilizers to obtain sex from women increased public awareness of drug-facilitated sexual assaults. But would someone drug the person they live with or are married to, for sex? Unfortunately, the answer is, yes. In this case, out of the UK, an abusive husband drugged his wife so he could take illicit photos of her, and in another case in Indianapolis, an abusive husband drugged his wife and mother of two and then sexually assaulted her.

The internet is filled with pornography of all kinds, including somnophilia, which is an interest in engaging in sexual activity with a sleeping or unconscious person. Under normal conditions, if one person begins a sexual encounter with someone who is sleeping, the sleeping person will wake up. Therefore, to fulfill the desires of the somnophile, the passive person needs to either pretend to be asleep or needs to be drugged or passed-out drunk.

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If two people agree that one of them will be drugged for sex, this might be termed a “kink” between consenting adults, as long as no coercion is involved. If someone drugs another person without their consent to prevent them from resisting sex, this constitutes several crimes that fall under different categories depending on the state. As with other sexual practices, abusive somnophiles may need to escalate their behavior to keep getting a thrill from it. They might move from having a partner pretend to be asleep to drugging that partner or another person without consent.

Most people who drug their partners for sex are not mentally ill and do not have somnophilia. Rather, they are making an immoral (and criminal) choice to override their partner's ability to say "no," "not now," or "not like that" to sex.

Carla’s abusive ex-boyfriend, Herman, encouraged her to take all her medications at night, including allergy pills, anti-anxiety medication, and sleeping aids. Sometimes he would also push wine on her at dinner, so she ended up drinking much more than she wanted. He would wake her up for work the next day, and she thought he was taking good care of her. One morning, she woke up with such severe rectal pain that she cried in the shower, and suspected that Herman had anally raped her after she had passed out. The next time Herman pushed wine and drugs on her, Carla secretly dumped some of the wine and pills, while acting as if she was tired and drugged up. She pretended to fall asleep, and Herman immediately began to sexually assault her. This triggered the end of their relationship.

Sherrell didn’t know what was happening until she found a video. Her boyfriend had been drugging her and then inviting his friends to have sex with her while she was unconscious. He took videos of these group rapes and sold them on the internet.

Charlene’s husband, Darron, was physically and sexually abusive. He pressed his wife into a “swinging” lifestyle, insisting that she accompany him to strip clubs. He tried to make her agree to a “wife-swapping” arrangement with his friends. Darron would often mock Charlene for “passing out” after just two drinks. When she was passed out, he would take off her clothes, pose her in strange positions, and take photos of her to circulate among their friends. Darron freely admitted to having sex with Charlene when she was unconscious, telling her that it was her own fault for drinking so much. Charlene did not consider the possibility that he was drugging her until she finally left him and never blacked out again. Darron was a physician with ample access to medications which he may have used to render her unconscious.

Drugging to Reduce Victim Credibility With the Police and the Courts

Some abusers drug their partners to make it harder for them to get police or legal protection. A drugged victim cannot remember what happened during an assault. A drugged victim may look less credible and might be treated by police or medical personnel as a “crazy addict.” Some abusers slip substances into their partner or ex’s food or drink so that they will fail a custody-related drug screening.

Anthony drugged Mia, then slashed her wrists. He called for an ambulance, saying that she had made a suicide attempt by cutting her wrists and taking drugs. Mia was transported to a mental hospital. In this case, the ruse was not successful. The hospital doctors believed Mia and helped her find safe housing and reclaim her home and her children.

Stevie drugged his wife, Selma, then dialed the police multiple times from her phone. When the officers showed up, Stevie, pointed to his passed-out wife on the couch, and told them that she was “a junkie.” After that, Selma hesitated to call the police. Stevie had convinced her that the police would not heed her claims of domestic abuse.

Intimate Partner Drugging Can Lead to Severe Injury—Even Death

When non-medical people give drugs to others, it can lead to severe or permanent injury, and even death.

Without her knowledge, Zion’s boyfriend gave her a powerful sleeping pill and an anti-anxiety drug one evening when she had already been drinking. She had a terrible reaction to this mix of mind-altering medications and began hallucinating and cutting her arms. Her wounds required immediate life-saving intervention. The hospital blood tests revealed that her boyfriend had drugged her. Zion agreed to a forensic sexual assault exam, which documented clear signs of anal rape. Zion did not remember what had happened. Police took her statement, but Zion refused to name the abuser—she felt too afraid and trapped. Zion believes this episode of drugging was probably not the first time, but this particular combination of drugs caused a near-fatal reaction.

How Does Intimate-Partner Drugging Happen?

Some abusers drug their partners with prescription medication, others use street drugs or over-the-counter medications, or a combination of these, sometimes in addition to alcohol. Abusers slip drugs into victims’ drinks and food or hand pills to a partner, saying they are one thing when they are another. In rare cases, abusers drug victims through substances placed in their vagina or rectum.

Drugging a partner without their consent is another weapon in the arsenal of a controlling abuser.

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