Common Myths About Abuse That Keep Survivors in Denial

Donovan sat on the couch across from me, his head in his hands. “I can’t be a victim of abuse,” he said slowly.

“Why not?” I asked gently, hoping to provoke thought and reflection.

“Because I am a man!” he said, head popping up. “And he never put his hands on me...” he followed up, reflecting on the unhealthy relationship with his partner that had brought him into therapy.

I gave the classic “therapist nod”—the kind that signals I’m listening but really invites him to think more deeply. I wanted Donovan to challenge the stereotypes he’d just voiced, and to consider how those beliefs might be keeping him stuck in denial about the emotional and psychological harm he was experiencing.

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Growing up in an abusive home can make survivors desensitized to recognizing harmful behaviors

Donovan grew up in an abusive home. I believe the coping mechanisms he developed back then, things like denial and excusing harmful behavior, are now barriers preventing him from recognizing the abuse in his adult relationship.

Many survivors of abusive families carry with them unspoken rules and assumptions about what abuse looks like and who it can happen to. These beliefs often create barriers to recognizing and acknowledging abuse later in life. In my practice, I see these kinds of assumptions frequently holding victims back from coming forward or fully understanding their experiences.

Here are some of the most common stereotypes and beliefs that contribute to denial and silence around domestic abuse:

1. Abuse only happens to certain demographics: People often stereotype abusive families as being from a lower socioeconomic status, inner-city, or a broken or divorced home. But this is far from the truth, and narrowing our minds to these areas can keep us from seeing abuse that occurs elsewhere. In the places where we have no idea something is wrong, we never know how to fix it.

2. Non-physical abuse is harmless: In our society, people tend to view physical abuse as worse than emotional, psychological, or other forms of non-physical abuse. Survivors of non-physical abuse often report their caregivers saying things that minimize their experiences and pain, such as “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about,” in response to their tears. The message teaches children that only physical abuse is worth crying about. This attitude, that whatever already upset them isn’t “bad enough,” reinforces the victim’s excuse-making: minimizing, denying, or even gaslighting themselves about any maltreatment or abuse.

3. Gendered expectations: In the past, we mostly viewed domestic or family abuse as a women’s rights issue. In the process, we often ignored the experiences of men and LGBTQ survivors. I find that the fear of not being believed or shame and embarrassment from failing to meet society’s expectations of men is often enough to keep males quiet about their abuse. Donovan’s story is a powerful example of this: Despite experiencing an unhealthy and possibly abusive relationship, he struggled to see himself as a victim because of the stereotype he internalized that men can’t be abused.

4. The abuse they witness doesn’t affect children when they grow up and move out: Many assume that once children leave an abusive home, the impact of what they witnessed fades away. In reality, exposure to violence in childhood often shapes how survivors understand relationships well into adulthood.¹

Search Psychology Today for a therapist who specializes in family dynamics and childhood trauma.

Excerpted, in part, from my book Breaking the Cycle: The 6 Stages of Healing From Childhood Family Trauma.