How Your Attachment Style Can Affect Your Relationships

Psychologist John Bowlby's work on attachment led to many advancements and understandings on how our interactions with our primary caregiver during our developmental years can predict elements of our personality and our attachment style.^1,4 When our caregivers give comfort and support in a calm and caring manner, we learn to expect this from other relationships and to trust that the world is a safe place. A secure, safe, healthy attachment with caregivers helps young people form healthy, stable relationships.

If your emotional and physical needs were not attended to, or if they were attended to in a rough and dismissive manner, you may struggle to develop secure attachment.² You may grow up believing that the world is not a safe place, that your needs will not be met, and that attempting to get them met will cause guilt, frustration, and stress. Children who experience family-of-origin trauma during their developmental years, such as the case for myself and many of my clients, may later find that they have trouble developing and maintaining secure attachments.

Bowlby, and those who worked with him, identified four different attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.^2,4 In my work with survivors, and in my personal experience, I have found that most of us survivors of traumatic families have some degree of insecure attachment as a result of our traumas.

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How your attachment style can impact your relationships

Attachment styles can play a major role in how we develop and maintain relationships in adulthood, influencing how we connect emotionally, how we communicate our needs, and how we navigate conflicts. These patterns can also influence the dynamics of romantic relationships, even making some of us more likely to experience intimate partner violence, because it affects how we respond to stress, trust, and perceived abandonment in romantic relationships.

A secure attachment style can serve as a protective factor in relationships, as those with this attachment style tend to have healthier communication patterns, emotional regulation, and conflict-resolution skills. I find that my clients with more secure attachments are more likely to recognize and address unhealthy behaviors in a relationship and are more comfortable advocating for and expressing their needs.

Tina is an example of someone with a securely attached relationship. She and her partner communicate openly about their feelings and needs, and when disagreements arise, they seek understanding and solutions rather than attempts to "win."

In contrast, my clients with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment, are more vulnerable to unhealthy relationships. This increased vulnerability is likely due to difficulties with emotional regulation, fear of rejection, or a tendency to tolerate unhealthy behavior out of fear of abandonment or intimacy.³

Here are some examples to explain further:

Anxious attachment and relationships:

With anxious attachment, people want to be close to others but worry others will not want to be close to them. They can appear clingy or needy and frequently worry about being abandoned.^2,3,4 At any sign of conflict, they may become very stressed, concerned, or worried that their partner will leave them. To avoid abandonment altogether, they may also jump from relationship to relationship.

Jose is someone with anxious attachment: He frequently finds himself jumping from one relationship to another, worried he will be alone. By always having a partner, he tries to patch this scared and alone feeling, proving to himself he is worthy of love and affection and will never again be abandoned, emotionally or physically. He has been called "clingy" by previous partners due to his need for constant reassurance. In new relationships, he constantly checks his phone for texts or calls from the new partner and overanalyzes things they say or do.

Avoidant attachment and relationships:

Xavier is one example of someone with an avoidant attachment style: Xavier does not actively avoid relationships, but their expressed lack of interest or boredom once a prospective date shows interest makes them impossible to ever get started. They feel smothered by too much contact, which makes them withdraw—dodging texts and calls. Xavier does not know that this defense mechanism was set up to help them avoid their childhood pain of abandonment or the pain that comes from being let down by others.

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While people with anxious attachment may jump from one relationship to another to avoid abandonment, those with an avoidant attachment style avoid relationships or express a disinterest in relationships to achieve the same. They often avoid emotional closeness and showing their feelings.^2,4

Disorganized attachment and relationships:

Zena is one example of someone with a disorganized attachment style: She would spend days, even weeks, talking with this person daily, fantasizing about their future together, being infatuated. Then, her fear of getting hurt would take over, and she would begin to worry that they would hurt her. Sometimes she would end the relationship before they had the chance to hurt her; other times she spent endless days and nights looking for reassurance of their love.

For those like Zena, this form of attachment is often formed when a child grows up in a home full of chaos and fear and learns to be fearful of their caregivers.^2,4 In adulthood, they are known for their inconsistent behaviors, frequently changing emotions, and difficulty trusting others. This attachment style is commonly the result of a childhood filled with trauma.⁴

What should I do from here?

These descriptions are by no means diagnostic tests and should only be used to give you an idea of where your style might fall. Also, it is important to note that some of the criteria can overlap. For example, someone can have traits of both anxious and disorganized attachment, so it's possible you might fall into several or more than one or none at all. This might also change depending on your current relationship, the time in your life, and the events transpiring around you at the time.

Experiencing anxiety or avoidance in relationships doesn't mean you always will, but building self-awareness of your attachment patterns and concerns can significantly improve your relationships. By understanding your own behaviors and emotional triggers, you can learn to communicate your own needs and feelings more effectively, as well as learn how to better respond to your partner's needs with understanding. This understanding and self-awareness can help break negative cycles of dysfunction or unhealthy relationship patterns.

If you are interested in looking further into how your attachment style might be impacting your relationship, seek a therapist who understands attachment styles and how they can impact us in adulthood.