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Key points
- Many survivors find that others are unwilling or unable to validate their trauma history.
- Those whose caregivers refuse to acknowledge their trauma must work on ways to self-validate.
- Writing a letter that never gets sent allows you to express your feelings without judgment or rejection.
- This exercise can be used as a way to release trauma and inner pain when needed.
“Will I ever get an apology or acknowledgment from my parents?” many clients ask.
This is a tough question to answer, and one that often gets us stuck in our healing. Many of my clients still hold out hope for “that moment” when their parents or caregivers suddenly realize the harm they caused and apologize. Unfortunately, this rarely happens. For our own healing, we cannot count on our caregivers to understand our perspective, which is why healing involves so much internal work.
My client, Annie, is a prime example of this: She came to see me on the verge of adulthood. Her mother had her when she was only 14 years old and unprepared for the responsibility. So, her grandmother, who had also had Annie’s mother as a teenager, raised her.
Annie was raised in an environment where no one talked about their feelings or traumatic experiences. In high school, Annie struggled with her mental health and began to self-harm. During family sessions, her mother often turned it back on Annie, saying things like, “How are you depressed? You have nothing to be depressed about! You don't know true trauma!"
Annie's mother had come from the Philippines and struggled in extreme poverty while raising a baby at a young age. While these statements came from a place of truth and pain for her mother, they were dismissive of Annie’s experiences and feelings.
Determined not to follow in the paths of women before her, Annie worked through the uncomfortable feelings that came up when discussing her childhood experiences. She came to acknowledge her mother and grandmother as emotionally neglectful and often dismissive of her feelings and needs. We spoke at length over her mother’s inability to understand what happened to her. “I know they were doing the best with what they knew, but it still hurts to think about everything I went through,” she still often tells me.
Her mother and grandmother were both stuck in denial—their defense mechanism of choice to avoid the pain that would come from acknowledgment of the situation. There was also a cultural difference between Annie, who was raised in the United States, and her mother and grandmother, who were raised in a different culture. Annie was able to develop compassion and understanding for this difference, while also recognizing that it doesn't take away from her experiences.
Over time, Annie began to realize that her mother and her grandmother would probably never be able to see things from her perspective because their experience in life was so different. Annie will probably never get the validation she needed from them, but she is learning that it can be okay without interrupting her process of healing.
When Caregivers Refuse, Or Are Unable, to Validate Your Reality
There are so many different reasons why caregivers may be unable to acknowledge or validate the experiences of their children. For one, it’s never easy to reflect on how our own behavior might be harmful. In my work with families, I often find that caregivers may be struggling with their own denial, cognitive distortions, lack of insight, or self-preservation; all things that prevent their ability to empathize or validate the harm they may have contributed to.
As I frequently mention, most caregivers were doing the best they could with what they had. However, this should not take away from what happened, the trauma they caused (or failed to prevent) or anything that you are dealing with in the aftermath. But this kind of denial stays with survivors well into adulthood. Many grow up insecure and distrustful of their own feelings.
In my work with adult survivors with family of origin trauma, especially those whose caregivers are unwilling or unable to validate their history, we work on ways to self-validate. The first step in doing this is to give yourself permission to feel your feelings without needing to justify them to anyone.
Next, I have an exercise for survivors to work on furthering this validation. This exercise is your way of telling your caregivers what they did, and how it made you feel, without giving them a chance to deny your feelings or refuse to hear you.
Exercise: Write a Letter That Never Gets Sent
Writing a letter that never gets sent to those who harmed you can be validating because it allows you to express your feelings and articulate the impact of the harm without fear of judgment or rejection.
What would you say to them if you could? Write that all down, not worrying about grammar or judgment. Then, mail that letter to yourself. When it comes back two to you, destroy it. If you are able, find a support person who can receive it and shred it for you. Some people find relief writing their thoughts down on paper, and the added symbolism of mailing it off is like letting those thoughts go.
Excerpted, in part, from my book Breaking the Cycle: The 6 Stages of Healing from Childhood Family Trauma.
To find a therapist who understands family trauma and relational abuse, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
