Trauma
The Impact of Childhood Trauma on Adult Relationships
Those with a history of trauma may normalize red flags and ignore bad behaviors.
Posted September 13, 2024 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Growing up in an abusive environment can shape a person's perceptions of relationships in adulthood.
- Survivors of childhood abuse often normalize behaviors such as manipulation, control, or emotional volatility.
- Some survivors may find themselves attracted to partners who exhibit traits similar to abusive caregivers.
- Through therapy, self-awareness, and establishing healthy boundaries, individuals can start breaking the cycle
Victoria had just left an abusive relationship and was struggling with her decision. Riddled with self-blame, shame, and false hope, she worried that she made the wrong decision. "Maybe I should go back and give him another chance," she said on my couch one Monday evening, her voice tinged with uncertainty and a longing for the familiar despite the pain it brought.
"He wasn't always like this. Maybe he can change," she continued, recalling moments of tenderness that caused her to question whether those fleeting glimpses of kindness were enough to outweigh the constant fear and manipulation she had endured over the past year and a half.
"Why is it so hard for me to leave an abusive relationship?" Victoria asked rhetorically. "My friends tell me just to leave and that I can find someone else who will treat me better. But, it's like I just keep finding people who treat me badly..." she paused for a breath before asking: "Why?"
Like many of my clients, Victoria was a survivor of domestic violence—but also of abuse in her childhood home, an experience that largely shaped her perceptions of relationships and behaviors in adulthood. She had originally come to me to work through the stress of her relationship. But as we worked together, we began to unravel her experiences of abuse and trauma in her family of origin—many patterns that were repeating in her adult life.
This is because the experiences of abuse, whether physical, emotional, or psychological, within the family of origin can create a template for how individuals perceive themselves and others in intimate relationships later in life (Heim et al., 2013). In my practice, I find that many of my clients who were raised in abusive environments tend to grow up and enter relationships that mimic these abusive behaviors. As a survivor of family of origin trauma and abuse, I believe that my childhood experiences also led me to ignore or even excuse red flags of abuse in my own previous relationships. This is because exposure to family violence can make us more prone to dating violence later in life (Black et al., 2010).
Childhood Abuse and Internalizing Harmful Dynamics
Childhood abuse disrupts the fundamental trust and security that children require for healthy emotional development. And research shows that abuse does not need to be physical in order to cause lasting harm (Hart et al., 1996). For instance, children who witness passive-aggressive behaviors or yelling between parents may internalize aggression or develop a skewed understanding of conflict resolution.
One of the most insidious impacts of childhood abuse is the internalization of harmful relationship dynamics. Children raised in abusive households often normalize dysfunctional behaviors such as manipulation, control, or emotional volatility. These behaviors can become ingrained in how we interact with others around us, from friends and colleagues to romantic partners.
For many, these patterns will carry into adult relationships, either as perpetrators or as victims. For example, a person who witnessed verbal abuse between parents may unknowingly replicate similar patterns of communication in their own relationships. They may struggle with expressing emotions constructively or resort to aggression when feeling vulnerable, perpetuating the cycle that they learned from childhood.
Repeating the Cycle
While not all victims of domestic violence were abused in childhood, and certainly not all survivors of abusive households will grow up and enter abusive relationships in adulthood, there are definite links. There is a strong correlation between experiencing childhood abuse and entering abusive relationships in adulthood (Black et al., 2010). Individuals who were abused as children may subconsciously seek out partners who replicate familiar dynamics of control or manipulation. This phenomenon, known as repetition compulsion, reflects an unconscious attempt to master or resolve unresolved trauma from the past, albeit in a destructive manner (Levy, 1998).
Not surprisingly, many survivors of childhood abuse find themselves attracted to partners who exhibit traits similar to their abusive caregivers. This attraction is not necessarily conscious or intentional but is rooted in familiar patterns of relating and distorted perceptions of love and intimacy. Understanding this concept can help us when working with clients like Victoria, who wonder why they struggle to leave abusive relationships that they know are unhealthy or even unsafe.
So, how can survivors begin to break this cycle?
Breaking free from the cycle of abuse requires conscious effort and commitment to healing. It can feel impossible at times. I understand because I have been there. Here are a few tips to begin breaking free:
1. Acknowledging the pattern taking place: Sometimes, this can be the most difficult step, but it is the most important. We can not change what we do not acknowledge. This might look like recognizing the impact of any trauma or abuse you experienced in childhood and acknowledging that it might have an impact on your current adult relationships.
2. Working on Self-Awareness: Developing self-awareness is essential in recognizing patterns of behavior and triggers rooted in past abuse. Journaling, mindfulness practices, or self-reflection exercises can aid in understanding how past experiences influence current relationship dynamics.
3. Establishing Boundaries: Learning to set and enforce boundaries is crucial in fostering healthy relationships. This involves communicating personal limits, prioritizing self-care, and respecting the boundaries of others. Building assertiveness skills can help survivors who may struggle with countertendency, people-pleasing, or fears of conflict.
4. Seeking Support: Building a supportive network of friends, family members, or support groups can provide validation and encouragement and make you feel less isolated. Connecting with others who have similar experiences reminds us that we are not defective, wrong, or at fault for what happened to us. For some, therapy can provide a safe space to process past trauma, challenge distorted beliefs, and learn healthier coping strategies. However, therapy is not mandatory, and many survivors find healing through podcasts, books, and other ways of self-reflection.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Hart SN, Brassard MR, Karlson HC. (1996). Psychological maltreatment. In: Briere JN, Berliner LA, Bulkley J, Jenny CA, Reid TA, editors. The APSAC handbook on child maltreatment. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage;. pp. 72–89.
Heim CM, Mayberg HS, Mletzko T, Nemeroff CB, Pruessner JC. (2013). Decreased cortical representation of genital somatosensory field after childhood sexual abuse. The American Journal of Psychiatry. 2013;170(6):616–623.
Black, D. S., Sussman, S., & Unger, J. B. (2010). A further look at the intergenerational transmission of violence: witnessing interparental violence in emerging adulthood. Journal of interpersonal violence, 25(6), 1022–1042. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260509340539
Levy M. S. (1998). A helpful way to conceptualize and understand reenactments. The Journal of psychotherapy practice and research, 7(3), 227–235.
