12 Common Signs of Abandonment Trauma

Becky, a 35-year-old graphic designer, has always felt anxiety in her relationships, especially during periods of quiet, when she worried her partner would grow bored with her and leave. Abandoned by her parents as a teenager after coming out as gay, she constantly fears that those she loves will leave her too. This fear manifests in her romantic relationships, so she becomes overly clingy and demands constant reassurance from her partners. Becky's low self-esteem, stemming from her belief that she wasn't worthy of her father's love, causes her to doubt her worth in every relationship.

Despite her professional success, Becky struggles with chronic feelings of loneliness and emotional numbness. She finds it difficult to trust others, always anticipating betrayal or rejection. Her friends notice that she often withdraws from social activities, preferring the known pain of loneliness over the risk of further abandonment. In therapy with me, Becky is beginning to uncover how her abandonment from her parents has shaped her in adulthood, affecting everything from her partnerships to her relationship with food and alcohol.

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Abandonment from a parent is a unique form of abandonment trauma, deeply affecting a child's emotional and psychological development. The absence of parental support and nurturing during critical developmental stages can result in long-lasting fears of rejection and difficulties in forming healthy relationships later in life (Cruz et al., 2022).

This form of trauma is only recently understood in the mental health field, despite its long-lasting mental health effects that manifest in various ways throughout a person's life.

While not an exhaustive list, here are some of the most common signs of abandonment trauma I witness in my practice and in my personal life:

1. Emotional Instability and Insecurity: One of the hallmark signs of abandonment trauma is emotional instability. Individuals who have experienced abandonment may struggle with intense and fluctuating emotions. They often live with a pervasive sense of insecurity, fearing that those they care about will leave them, from friends to romantic relationships. This fear can lead to heightened anxiety, especially in relationships where there is emotional vulnerability. They might constantly worry about being rejected or abandoned, which can make them overly sensitive to perceived slights or changes in others' behavior.
2. Fear of Intimacy and Commitment: Abandonment trauma can make it incredibly challenging for individuals to form close, intimate relationships. The fear of being hurt or left again can cause them to avoid deep emotional connections altogether. This avoidance can manifest as a reluctance to commit to long-term relationships or a tendency to keep partners at a distance. They might engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, such as pushing partners away or ending relationships prematurely. And while it may seem counterproductive to outsiders, this is all in an attempt to protect themselves from potential abandonment. Some may jump from relationship to relationship to avoid these feelings, as having another relationship available can help avoid the pain of being alone when another ends.
3. Clinginess and Dependency: Many survivors exhibit behaviors like clinginess and dependency in their relationships. They might develop an overwhelming need for constant reassurance and validation from their partners or friends in an attempt to minimize feelings of low self-worth. This need can lead to excessive demands for attention and affection, which can understandably be stressful for others in their life. This clinginess is often rooted in the fear that, without constant contact and affirmation, they will be abandoned again.
4. Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth: Low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness are common among those who have experienced abandonment trauma. These individuals often internalize the abandonment, believing it was their fault or that they were not worthy of love and care. This negative self-perception can lead to a chronic sense of inadequacy and self-doubt, impacting various areas of their lives, including their perception of their "lovability," their careers, friendships, and romantic relationships (Cruz et al., 2022).
5. Trust Issues: Having been let down by someone they depended on, survivors may find it difficult to trust others. They might be suspicious of people's intentions, constantly fearing betrayal or deception. This mistrust can make it hard for them to open up to others and build meaningful relationships
6. Unhealthy or Unstable Relationship Patterns: Individuals may find themselves repeatedly in relationships that mimic the dynamics of their original abandonment. For instance, they might unconsciously choose partners who are emotionally unavailable or prone to leaving. These repetitive patterns can actually reinforce their feelings of unworthiness and perpetuate the cycle of abandonment.
7. Emotional Numbness and Detachment: In an effort to protect themselves from further hurt, some individuals with abandonment trauma may emotionally shut down. This emotional numbness or detachment serves as a defense mechanism to avoid feeling the pain of potential abandonment.
8. Chronic Feelings of Loneliness: Even if they are surrounded by people, many survivors often feel chronically lonely. The deep-seated fear of being left alone can make it difficult for them to feel truly connected to others. This loneliness can affect their sense of belonging and making social interactions feel superficial or unfulfilling.
9. Hypervigilance: Hypervigilance is another common sign of abandonment trauma. Those affected may constantly monitor their environment and relationships for signs of potential abandonment. This heightened state of alertness can be exhausting stressful, as they are always on guard, anticipating the next loss or rejection.
10. Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms: To manage their intense emotions and fears, individuals with abandonment trauma may develop various coping mechanisms as a way of self-medicating. These can include substance abuse, overeating, or other addictive behaviors as a way to numb the pain or distract themselves from their anxiety (Hughes et al., 2017). While these behaviors may offer temporary relief, they often exacerbate the underlying issues and lead to further emotional and physical health problems.
11. Physical and Medical Concerns: It is common for survivors of childhood trauma to struggle with physical health concerns later in life, pointing to the link between trauma and health. Many survivors of repeated traumas in childhood later report chronic pain or fatigue, or even cancer or heart disease (Hughes et al., 2017).
12. Struggles With Finding Meaning: While this is by no means unique to this group, many survivors of childhood trauma struggle with their faith or spirituality later in life (Cruz et al., 2022). Some may lose their faith or rebel against it, while others may struggle with finding purpose and meaning in life, almost asking "What is the point of all of this?"

Many survivors are blamed for the behaviors and coping skills that they had to develop to survive their situation. Developing understanding and increasing awareness of abandonment trauma and its effects can empower survivors to reduce self-blame and work to foster a more empathetic and supportive environment for those affected by this profound emotional pain.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.