Self-Doubt: A Common Result of Experiencing Emotional Abuse

Mina was standing in the kitchen making dinner for her kids, the familiar sounds of pots clanging and water boiling causing a familiar pang of nostalgia. She remembered her mother’s harsh words and the times she had been made to feel insignificant, but now, as she chopped vegetables, she found herself questioning the validity of her experiences. "Was it really that bad?" she thought, pushing aside memories that surfaced uninvited. Her mind flickered to friends who seemed to have had "normal" childhoods, and she wondered if her struggles were just a product of her imagination.

Despite her attempts to be the best mother she could be, moments of self-doubt crept in, leading her to question whether she was overreacting or seeking attention. This internal conflict left her feeling isolated, as she grappled with feelings of shame and inadequacy, even while trying to create a loving environment for her children. Her mother always made her feel like she was the problem, and it was difficult for her to unlearn that negative inner voice.

As the dinner timer chimed, Mina paused, taking a deep breath. She knew she needed to confront these feelings and acknowledge her past, but the weight of self-doubt felt heavy, and the path to healing seemed daunting.

Source: Phan Minh Cuong An / Pixabay

Along their journey, victims of abuse commonly experience intense periods of self-doubt. They may wonder whether or not they deserved their treatment for being a disruptive child, or if it was "really that bad." When they think about the abuse, they may worry that others believe they deserve it. Many survivors worry so much about it that they convince themselves that they must have done something to deserve it, too.

All this worrying over how others view our situation creates a state of cognitive dissonance—conflicting beliefs of our own versions of reality. In my practice, I find that survivors of psychological abuse struggle with this level of self-doubt the most because they do not have the bruises and broken bones to “justify” their pain. But when the abuse is emotional or psychological, many people, including victims, tend to believe the behavior must have been two-sided. Psychological abuse can be difficult to put into words, which makes victims feel there must have been something they did or are overlooking that contributed to the negative situation.

Survivors of physical abuse often struggle with these same feelings as well, of course, but with psychological abuse, victims also face the resounding doubt across society over their version of reality. Its invisible nature exacerbates their already existing self-doubt. Many of my clients grapple with feelings of self-doubt in the aftermath of abuse experiences, for months or even years after their experiences.

In many dysfunctional families, caretakers or other family members may blame the children—the black sheep or the identified patient—for the dysfunction of the unit. A perfect example is a parent who openly argues with their child about what the child has done to the parent. I often see this dynamic in my work with families, as adults go back and forth with their children as if they were peers. “Look at all the things she’s doing to me,” they say, blaming a child for acting like…a child. This is especially common for emotionally immature parents, who will frequently position themselves in the victim role, even of a child’s words or behaviors. Mina's experience is an example of this.

Exercise to Work on Self-Doubts

Whenever you notice yourself making excuses or worrying you might be making things up—or worse, “going crazy”—stop what you are doing and take a quick personal inventory. Remind yourself of what you know to be true, even if only thinking about it. Many people are scared to do this at the risk of retraumatizing themselves, but self-doubt is already retraumatizing: It creates victim-blaming in our heads and leads to self-blame. Some find it beneficial to take some time to write out a few of the self-doubts that arise during your day. This will help you be more aware of them and recognize them as self-doubts.

If needed, make a list, or create a timeline of your experiences. Refer back to this list whenever those feelings of self-doubt rear their ugly heads to remind you of your truth. Knowing our truth is often what will get us through the worst times of self-doubt.

Next, write out your plan to combat these self-doubts when they come up. It could be something like: “I will remind myself of my truth”; “I will talk to my support person”; or “I will tell myself that this is a self-doubt, and that does not make it true.”

Mina started using a journal to document her self-doubts, setting aside a few quiet moments each evening to reflect on her day. She wrote down thoughts like, "I'm not a good enough mother," or "I shouldn’t feel this way about my past." By putting these feelings on paper, she began to separate them from her identity, recognizing them as just thoughts—not truths.

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Next, she crafted a plan to combat these self-doubts whenever they arose. Whenever she felt that familiar wave of insecurity, she would remind herself, “I will acknowledge my feelings, but I will also affirm my strength and resilience.” She decided to reach out to her trusted friend, who understood her journey and could provide a listening ear. Additionally, Mina committed to daily affirmations, repeating to herself, “My experiences are valid, and I deserve to heal.”

By actively engaging with her self-doubts and having strategies in place, Mina felt more comfortable and ready to navigate her thoughts and bring herself back to the present reality.

Excerpted, in part, from my book: Breaking the Cycle.

If you are dealing with any kind of abuse or violence, call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 (800) 799–7233, or find a therapist who can help.