10 Common Traits of Parentified Daughters

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Ari grew up in a household where her mother, struggling with mental health issues and financial instability, relied heavily on her for emotional support and other help. From a young age, Ari took on adult responsibilities, managing household chores, caring for her younger siblings, and providing emotional reassurance to her mother. This role reversal left Ari with little opportunity to enjoy a typical childhood. When her peers were having parties on weekends and skipping school, Ari was worrying about her mom's ability to pay the bills and trying to coax her to take her mental health medications.

As Ari transitioned into adulthood, the effects of being parentified continued to impact her. She struggled with boundaries in her personal relationships, often taking on too much responsibility and neglecting her own needs. At work, she found it difficult to assert herself and often overextended to help colleagues, leading to burnout. In her romantic relationships, Ari felt compelled to care for her partners excessively, trying to help or even to change them—mirroring the caregiving role she assumed in her childhood. She came to therapy feeling "overwhelmed and inadequate," and during our first session, immediately reported, "I just feel anxious all of the time."

Parentification occurs when a child is forced into the role of caregiver for their parent, emotionally and practically. In this dynamic, the child feels responsible for taking care of the parent’s emotional needs, often becoming a source of support and reassurance. The child may also take on parental responsibilities, managing household tasks and decision-making. This can lead to a sense of guilt and undue responsibility when something goes wrong that they are unable to fix, further reinforcing the belief that they are at fault for any issues their parent faces.

Parentification can happen for a few different reasons, but often it is due to an absence of a healthy caretaker relationship. A parent turning their child into a surrogate spouse is common in dysfunctional families, with children becoming the emotional caretakers of one or more of their parents. This can be due to mental or physical illness, or something else that prevents a caregiver from being able to effectively care for themselves in a healthy way.

Although parentification can—and does—happen to all genders, I find that it is frequently the female, particularly the eldest daughter, who is most often expected to take on a parent role. This is likely due to a combination of cultural expectations of women to be the caretakers and emotional burden carriers of the family, coupled with the fact that many families parent children in different ways based on their gender, or perceived gender (Morawska, 2020).

It is important to understand that parentification is not always done purposefully. It is often due to a lack of awareness of the behavior, and an absence of understanding of how this dynamic impacts the child. An example of this is those who grew up in poverty in single-parent households, where reliance on the oldest child was essential for the family's safety. However, just because it was not done maliciously does not take away from the impacts this experience has on survivors of parentification.

Parentified daughters often display a range of traits and behaviors as a result of taking on adult responsibilities and roles at a young age. Here are 10 ways that I see this experience show up among survivors:

1. Over-responsibility and self-reliance: Parentified daughters frequently exhibit a heightened sense of responsibility far beyond their years. They often become very self-reliant and independent, having learned to depend on themselves from a young age.

2. Difficulty with vulnerability: Having been in roles that required them to be the "strong" one, parentified daughters might find it challenging to show vulnerability or seek help from others. Many grew up feeling like they had nobody to rely on, often due to the absence of a healthy adult for support. This self-reliance can sometimes translate into difficulty accepting help or support from others. This toxic pattern creates feelings of anxiety and fear at the thought of needing help from someone else.

3. Perfectionism: The pressure to meet the expectations placed upon them can lead to perfectionistic tendencies. As a result, many parentified daughters may strive to excel in all areas of their lives, including academics, work, and personal responsibilities, to compensate for their perceived inadequacies or to maintain control. They are also more likely to burn out due to taking on too much responsibility (Mortensen et. al., (2017).

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4. Difficulty setting boundaries: Due to their early exposure to adult responsibilities, parentified daughters may struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. They might have difficulty distinguishing between their own needs and the needs of others, leading to issues with personal space and self-care.

5. A need to help or even "fix" others: Many of my clients who were parentified daughters feel a constant need to take care of or “fix” others, sometimes at the expense of their own needs and well-being. This is rooted in their early experiences of needing to care for others to ensure family stability. As a result, many end up staying in relationships where they have to be the “parent” or the more mature one in the relationship.

6. Earlier sexual behavior: Research shows that experiencing trauma and maltreatment in childhood is linked with higher chances of risky sexual behavior, including earlier sexual behaviors, higher numbers of partners, and impulsive sex (Thompson et al., 2017).

7. Being told they seemed "very mature" for their age: Parentified daughters often appear more mature than their peers due to the adult-like roles they have had to assume. This maturity can manifest in their behavior, communication style, and decision-making. As a young person, it is common for survivors of parentification to end up in age-inappropriate emotional and physical situations due to their pattern of being used to being treated older than they are. Many report dating older men, seeking relationships where they feel a sense of familiarity and validation from their caretaking roles.

8. Need for approval: Parentified daughters often develop a heightened need for approval due to their early experiences of seeking validation through caretaking roles. Their self-worth becomes closely tied to meeting the expectations of others, as they have internalized that their value is measured by their ability to support and please those around them.

9. Difficulties with trust: In adulthood, survivors are frequently drawn to relationships with a lot of dysfunction and emotionally unavailable partners. Their early experiences can impact their ability to trust others and form healthy relationships. They may struggle with intimacy or feel a constant need to prove themselves in relationships.

10. Guilt and resentment: They may experience feelings of guilt or resentment, either for not being able to meet all the expectations placed on them or for having to assume roles that deprived them of a typical childhood.

If you are struggling in the aftermath of healing from childhood trauma, seek the support of a therapist who can help.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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