The Complexity of Grief With Estrangement 

Grieving the loss of a parent from whom you were estranged is a very difficult experience. You have the grief that comes from loss and the permanence of death. Death is a very traumatic experience, and that grief can never be replicated or compared. However, the grief that follows when someone has been estranged from a family member or loved one can sometimes feel worse. It is filled with guilt, shame, and a sense of loss—or of grieving what wasn't there.

Source: Peggy und Marco Lachmann-Anke/Pixabay

With estrangement, there is so much unknown: Some people might struggle with guilt or anger, having wanted a reconciliation, yet they are unable because it is too late. This brings the loss of what could have—and should have— been, coupled with the knowledge of what is unattainable. Many others might struggle with resentment. One client put it perfectly: "I don't even have the luxury of grieving the loss of my dad because, instead, I'm grieving the loss of who my dad was—and our lack of a healthy relationship." My client echoed the feelings and sentiments that many others, myself included, have felt.

The questions and judgments from others make it all the more difficult for survivors of estrangement. There are the insensitive and unaware questions or comments such as "But they're your family; you should have talked to them" or guilt trips such as "Why are you sad? You didn't talk to them anyway." To someone who has never been estranged, it's impossible to understand. To them, it might just seem like a petty argument or disagreement, and they might automatically blame the survivor for their feelings of grief.

Many estrangements are due to traumas, conflict within the family, mental illness, abuse, or other elements that make the relationship difficult—or impossible—to navigate. Too many well-meaning friends will tell you to "just move on," not knowing that it's not that simple. Comments like this place the blame for the estrangement on an already vulnerable and often traumatized individual.

Here are five steps to help you navigate the grief experience of losing a parent from whom you were estranged:

1. Validate and honor your feelings. You have every right to feel sad, angry, resentful, or even guilty. You do not owe anyone an explanation for these feelings, nor do you need permission to feel them. Survivors of family estrangement are often blamed for the estrangement, whether it was your choice or not, and are often made to feel that their feelings aren't valid with comments such as "Well, you didn't talk anyway, so it can't be that hard."
2. Negative feelings do not mean you need to act differently. Many survivors feel that negative feelings, specifically guilt, mean we were wrong and that the estrangement was our "fault," or that there was something we should have done differently. This is not only unfair, but it is also unrealistic. Allow yourself to acknowledge these feelings, but try not to let them gaslight you into thinking your experiences didn't happen.
3. Seek support from those who understand. During your grieving process, choose to spend time with those who validate you and your feelings. Whether they are friends, family, support groups, or others who understand, you need people in your corner who are not going to challenge your feelings or make you feel like you have to "prove" your grief, which can make you feel misunderstood and uncomfortable.
4. Remember that grief is like riding a wave. You will have good days, or even good weeks, when you think you're all done grieving, only to hear a familiar song or smell a nostalgic smell that brings you right back. Know that this is normal and that it is part of the process.
5. Seek professional support if needed. Do not be afraid to seek professional support from a therapist. Navigating grief is extremely difficult, especially if there was any sort of dysfunction in the family relationship. Most of my clients have histories of traumatic or dysfunctional families, and the death of a parent or family member does not take that dysfunction away. They still have the unhealthy messages and unhealed traumas to unpack and work through—even more with the addition of grief.