Preparing for Court With a High-Conflict Ex

Courts were really made for lawyers. The rest of us struggle with how to navigate them. And if you are struggling to navigate the court system while trying to obtain a protection order or manage a child custody or divorce battle, it can feel near impossible.

Victims are already stressed, scared, and overwhelmed with the abuse they are dealing with. The court system only exacerbates that. The process is overwhelming, and feeling that way is understandable. Many of my clients feel retraumatized by the court process, especially when their split is labeled "high-conflict" within the courts, placing the blame on an already overwhelmed victim. During this time, we work on ways to maintain self-composure and prepare for the event, while doing our best to empower ourselves by preparing for what we will need. Of course, I cannot give legal advice, but these tips help empower my clients psychologically and emotionally during a stressful time.

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Here are some tips I suggest to make the process easier:

1. Keep copies: When possible, have original copies of all legal paperwork, such as protection orders, deeds or liens to property or vehicles, custody paperwork, divorce papers, etc. This will help with peace of mind and easy reference. It can feel very liberating to destroy or burn pictures and documents, and if you must do this, make copies and destroy the copies.
2. Prepare any documentation early: Instead of frantically trying to find paperwork that you swore you just had, I recommend getting a folder or binder for each new case and keeping all binders or folders in a larger bag like a laptop bag or gym bag—something easy to grab and put in the car on your way out is best. This helps immensely with those night-before and morning-of panics when you are trying to find something. You might get last-minute requests from your lawyer to find a certain document or email from a year ago, so be prepared and have everything organized and ready if you need it to best reduce stress and anxiety during this time.
3. As best as you can, have exact dates and times: Judges like order and simplicity. Try to avoid saying, “It was, like, April or May.” Instead, prepare with as much information about the event as possible to be able to say: “Your honor, this took place at two-thirty on the afternoon of April 15th.” When dealing with a court case or custody battle, it is good advice to document everything—phone calls, when they drive by, conversations, and social media posts. Even if your lawyer never needs it, it helps remind you why you are fighting and helps re-orient you to the order of events so you are not scrambling to think when put on the spot.
4. Schedule self-care the night before and morning of: If time and finances permit, schedule some alone time to reflect and ease your mind. You have probably been obsessing about preparing for your case, so use this time to not think about it. Trust that you have done all you can to prepare and that your lawyer (if you are fortunate enough to have one) has worked their best to help you. Take a hot bath, listen to a podcast, and spend some quiet time.
5. Decrease the amount of time you are "trying the case in your head": I remember when my own therapist said to me, "Stop trying the case in your head." I was taken aback. How did she know my secret? Was she inside my head? No—she just knew me that well. It is very common for victims to obsess as part of their anxiety. If we can prepare for what is about to happen, we assume we will have the best shot at success. Having imaginary conversations with the judge and opposing counsel, practicing our "on-the-stand" voice—these are common ways that our brain tries to engage us to prepare us for what is to come. However, this only exacerbates any anxiety that is already present and gets our mind fired up unnecessarily. You do not know what will happen when you get to court, so there is no way to mentally prepare other than taking time to relax your mind. As impossible as it seems, we have to trust in the process.

Adapted, in part, from my book It's Not High Conflict, It's Post Separation Abuse: When Abusers Weaponize the Courts as a Form of Retaliation.

If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic violence, call 800-799-7233.