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8 Tips for Surviving Holidays With Dysfunctional Families
Limiting time together and having strong boundaries will help.
Updated December 21, 2024 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- The holidays can be especially triggering to survivors of childhood and family trauma due to painful memories
- Those who have been marginalized such as LGBTQ survivors can have especially painful memories
- Identifying boundaries and having a plan can help decrease the chance for a frustrating holiday event.
Brian listened to his coworkers share stories of their plans for the holiday break. All week, they traded recipes for the perfect ham and the most decadent pies and laughed about whose uncle will be the most inappropriate after having one-too-many eggnogs.
I wish I had a normal family, he thought to himself. He was running out of ways to dodge the inevitable questions from his office mates about what his plans were for the upcoming holiday. He usually gave a vague answer, then immediately tossed the question back. But he was unable to toss away the pain and loss that came up for him as he watched his coworkers bounce around, preparing for their joyous festivities with their families.
Brian hadn’t gone home for Christmas since before the pandemic. In fact, he was “one of those weird ones” who was grateful for the pandemic and the socially distant Zoom holidays that it offered. His family got to “meet” his new partner virtually, which was probably for the best. When things got awkward? “Oops, there goes my wifi. Sorry, gotta go!”
But this year, he probably should go. At least, he had been telling himself he should go. But he was nervous about what the experience was going to be like for him, the painful memories that it would bring up, and the emotional triggers he would walk away with. He wished he only had to worry about an uncle who drank too much eggnog.
Many people who grew up in traumatic households struggle during the holiday season. It’s very normal for survivors of childhood abuse or family trauma to find the holidays painful, even if they admit to enjoying some of the customs and traditions during this time of year.
The end-of-the-year holiday season can be very triggering for survivors of abuse due to painful memories of their childhood and dysfunction in the family that often increased during holiday times. So many emotions are tied to gatherings and traditions, and these stressors can be reignited during this time.
For many in the LGBTQ+ community who grew up without being accepted for who they are, the holiday season can represent a time of isolation that reinforces what they wish they had while growing up. Even though it is much less common now, previous generations left queer people out of holiday celebrations in religious or other communities, and some LGBTQ+ youth were even kicked out of their homes after coming out. It should come as no surprise that the holiday season can bring about many painful memories for people whose own families and communities turned them away.
If going home for the holidays is triggering for you in any way, here are some ways to prepare:
1. Stock up on self-care.
Prepare for a stressful environment by scheduling time for self-care the day before and after. Whether it is a massage, a long solo hike, or a gym session—prepare mentally and physically before and again after the scheduled events.
2. Plan ahead for communication.
Know what topics you will and will not participate in. Your mother’s discussions of the newest diet trend that you “just have to try,” your uncle’s bigoted comments, your grandmother’s polarizing political stories—know ahead of time what conversations you will not participate in. Then, when they inevitably come up, you can suddenly need to go help out in the kitchen or check on the youngsters outside. While it might feel good in the moment to try to argue back with them or show them how their beliefs or behaviors are harmful, this can become all-consuming. If you match their dysfunction, bit by bit, it will control you.
3. Have a job.
This will come in handy when you are trying to avoid uncomfortable conversations. Try to be the one who sets the table, cuts the pies, serves, etc. This will decrease the time for standing around, making you less of a target for the dysfunctional conversations and side talk that you are trying to avoid.
4. Set boundaries.
Many survivors of families with poor boundaries struggle with guilt for having their own boundaries around what they will and will not tolerate. But it is essential to protecting your emotional health. If the max you can do is two hours with your family, that needs to be your limit. If you feel better about having a hotel or renting a car so you can leave when you want, make plans to do so. This might involve setting aside funds to pay for these additional expenses, but you will save your sanity in the long run. Prepare for pushback, but have your response ready.
5. Know what to expect.
Knowing what to prepare for will help you give up any false hope that it will be different. The holiday commercials and nostalgic mood of the season often give us false hope that this year will be different and we will finally get the happy holiday season that others have. But this can cause a massive emotional letdown.
6. Have an escape plan.
If things start to get awkward or unsafe, have an “out.” Whether you need to run to the convenience store for medicine or hygiene products or you need to attend another prescheduled event, having an excuse to leave the situation can help protect your mental health from an uncomfortable environment.
7. Know that it is OK not to go.
With all of the advice about what to do to navigate the dysfunctional environment, please understand that it is perfectly OK if you decide not to go. For some, the dysfunction is manageable with a few tweaks and boundaries put up. For others, it can set them back in their mental health journey and could actually be unsafe. Understand that you are under no obligation to do anything that makes you feel mentally or emotionally unsafe.
8. Know that you are not alone.
Many people struggle with this every holiday season, but only recently has it been talked about. Whereas years ago, they suffered in silence, feeling isolated, now they are able to at least find solace in the knowledge that they are not alone.
