Why Is Everyone's Ex Suddenly a Narcissist?

Source: pixabay/sammy sander

You can't stay on any social media platform for more than five minutes lately without getting prompts for mental health tips and videos, with one of the most common topics being how to determine if others in our life are narcissists.

Videos and articles such as "Top 10 signs you're dealing with a narcissist" and "Is he/she gaslighting you?" scroll the top of our feeds, leading many to ponder assigning this label to someone who's hurt them, typically an ex — sometimes out of pain, but sometimes, out of ignorance.

We need to be careful about using terms like gaslighting or narcissist. Using clinical terminology, no matter how colloquialized, has the impact of pathologizing. Just as all differing opinions are not gaslighting, not all arrogant jerks can be classified as having a personality disorder. Even still, not all people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are cruel or malicious. These days, it seems that everyone with an honorary degree in armchair psychology from the University of Google feels qualified to diagnose others as narcissists but few of these casual claims are legitimate.

Being a narcissist is more than just being self-centered. An ex-partner could have been arrogant and self-absorbed in a relationship, been unfaithful, and casually moved on after a breakup. None of these actions necessarily indicate the presence of a personality disorder or an abusive personality. Narcissism is a trait that exists on a spectrum, with most of us placed somewhere along it at some point in our lives.

In 1980, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) officially recognized NPD, establishing specific criteria for its diagnosis, including patterns of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, among other diagnostic standards to be evaluated by a mental health professional. However, the label has been the subject of debate ever since, even by clinicians. As with other mental health diagnoses, ambiguity about the term has allowed those on social media platforms to go viral with unsubstantiated diagnoses.

“He/She is clearly a narcissist,” scorned lovers may type about their ex after watching a single YouTube video or conducting a quick Google search. In reality, they likely have no true understanding of the disorder and its potential to drive someone to behave abusively without remorse. Instead, many think an ex must be a narcissist simply because they dared to leave their relationship, or perhaps acted arrogantly when they were together. Bur such comments, much like similarly overused but often ill-informed phrases such as “I’m so OCD” or "He’s so bipolar,” display a lack of understanding of true mental health symptoms and diagnoses.

People who have experienced the trauma that comes from actual psychological abuse have been empowered by a greater understanding of terms like narcissism and narcissistic abuse. These terms often cast light on an experience that felt too confusing and painful to explain in the moment. But true narcissistic abuse is so much more than just arrogance. Those who have experienced psychological and pathological abuse at the hands of someone who lacks empathy and conscience would never again mistake the spiritual warfare they endured with the behavior of someone who simply acted like a jerk. The overuse of this word to describe every ex who broke someone's heart is dismissive of the experiences of those who know the pain of narcissistic abuse.

Such casual attitudes reaching mass audiences via social media only make light of a serious threat. As a therapist, I am happy that society is having more conversations about mental health and that many of my patients have found terms and explanations to describe their experiences. At the same time, the overuse and watering down of these terms can diminish others' experiences.

If you are experiencing domestic abuse or fear for your safety, call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).

Copyright by Kaytlyn "Kaytee" Gillis. Excerpted in part from my book Invisible Bruises.