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Relationships

Does Power Corrupt the Heart?

Feeling more powerful in a relationship may be a slippery slope to betrayal.

Key points

  • Only about half of romantic relationships have a relatively equal power balance.
  • When people feel more powerful than their partner, they tend to feel their mate value is higher.
  • This belief might motivate them to disregard their commitment to the relationship.
Gurit Birnbaum
Source: Gurit Birnbaum

In Western cultures, most people enter romantic relationships expecting equality. Only about half of romantic relationships, however, have a relatively equal power balance1.

People lack power when their needs depend on the actions of another person, and they have power when they can control others’ ability to achieve their goals. Having power can significantly change how people feel and behave. It can make them more confident, feel more entitled, and act more impulsively.

This boost in self-assurance can spill over into people’s romantic and sexual lives, making them feel more attractive and desirable. While this might increase their interest in romantic partners, it can unfortunately lead to treating others as objects, being overly sexual, or even being aggressive2.

In romantic relationships, feeling powerful has been linked to some harmful behaviors in the intimate sphere. For example, someone might refuse to use protection during sex3 or pressure their partner into sexual activities4. Our recent research5 looked at whether feeling powerful in a relationship affects interest in other potential partners.

We thought that feeling powerful in a relationship might make someone believe they are more valuable as a partner than their current significant other. This idea comes from the understanding that when you feel powerful, you feel less dependent on others, think more highly of yourself, and feel more confident that others find you desirable.

In a romantic relationship, these power dynamics might lead the more powerful partner to think they bring more to the table than their less powerful partner. They might see this as a sign that they have more options outside the relationship and are a more desirable partner in general. We proposed that this improved view of oneself compared to one’s partner determines whether people who feel powerful in their relationship feel they can afford to show interest in other, potentially more desirable partners.

The studies

We conducted four studies to examine how temporary feelings of power in a relationship influence interest in other potential partners:

In the first study, we asked participants in relationships to either describe a time they felt powerful over their current partner or just a typical day in their relationship.

For example, one participant described such a situation in this way: “We are stuck in a London underground station. It is late, and we are all tired and eager to reach our hotel. My girlfriend and her friend seem clueless and desperate. I am the only one who knows how to get there. I feel a surge of confidence as I lead them out of this situation towards our hotel.”

Then, we asked the participants to write a sexual fantasy about someone other than their partner. We had independent raters assess how much sexual desire for other partners these fantasies expressed.

In the second study, after the same power manipulation, participants in relationships quickly looked at photos of strangers and indicated if they would consider each one as a potential partner. We counted how many they selected as a measure of their interest in other partners.

For the third study, participants described recent events showing the power dynamics in their relationship. They then rated their perceived power in the relationship and how they viewed their value as a partner compared to their current partner. Next, they completed a task in which they built a five-floor pyramid with an attractive person (a confederate) and rated their sexual desire for this person.

In the final study, both members of the couples reported daily on their perceived relationship power, how they viewed their value as a partner compared to their current partner, and any sexual activities with someone other than their partner over three weeks.

What did we find?

When people feel they have high power in their relationship, they tend to believe their value as a partner is higher than their current partner’s. This belief, in turn, might motivate them to disregard their commitment to the relationship and act on desires for short-term flings or potentially better partners if the opportunity arises.

So why does this happen?

The increased sexual motivation that comes with feeling powerful is not always bad for relationships. For example, it might give someone the confidence to initiate consensual intimate connections.

However, our research suggests that within romantic relationships, this motivation can potentially become destructive. When people feel powerful and believe they have more relationship options than their current partner, they might be more inclined to pay sexual attention to these potentially promising alternatives. In such cases, the belief in having other options might weaken their commitment to their current relationship. This reduced need to protect their relationship might allow these people to prioritize their own needs in ways that could hurt their partners and damage their relationship.

References

1. Sprecher, S., Schmeeckle, M., & Felmlee, D. (2006). The principle of least interest inequality in emotional involvement in romantic relationships. Journal of Family Issues, 27, 1255-1280.

2. Kunstman, J. W., & Maner, J. K. (2011). Sexual overperception: Power, mating, and biases in social judgment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100, 282–294.

3. Pulerwitz, J., Amaro, H., De Jong, W., Gortmaker, S. L., & Rudd, R. (2002). Relationship power, condom use and HIV risk among women in the USA. AIDS Care, 14, 789–800.

4. Kaura, S. A., & Allen, C. M. (2004). Dissatisfaction with relationship power and dating violence perpetration by men and women. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 19, 576-588.

5. Birnbaum, G. E., Kanat-Maymon, Y., Zholtack, K., Avidan, R., & Reis, H. T. (in press). The power to flirt: Power within romantic relationships and its contribution to expressions of extradyadic desires. Archives of Sexual Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-024-02997-0

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