Confidence
Is It Possible to Have Too Much Self-Confidence?
When self-assuredness hides a deeper insecurity.
Posted July 5, 2021 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- People who are quiet and thoughtful are often criticized as being weak or indecisive in a world where assertiveness is prized.
- But overconfidence comes with a cost, leading someone to engage in psychological splitting and view other people's perspectives as wrong.
- Finding a balance between confidence and humility is key, so that a person can stand up for their needs but also respect the views of others.
In today’s world, assertiveness rules the day. Extraversion is prized. We’re taught to be "strong" and confident—going for what we want and expressing ourselves forcefully. Being quiet and thoughtful is for wimps.
Listen to the news and hear politicians and pundits who appear super self-assured. Being tentative, faltering, or uncertain earns us the reputation of being weak. We'll say anything to avoid the shame of such accusations!
But do we pay a hidden price in our quest to be assertive and confident? Is it possible to become overconfident? You’ve probably known people who dazzle you with their unabashed assertiveness. They might even trigger your insecurity, leaving you feeling envious of their self-assured air and verbal skills. But is something lurking beneath their apparent confidence?
Perhaps in your romantic life, you’ve been drawn to confident people. But as you got to know them, you discovered that what looked like confidence turned out to be arrogance—a cover-up for a hidden fear and fragility.
Hypnotized and attracted by a person’s overconfidence, we might take a hard fall when we realize that their personality developed in that way to compensate for poor self-worth and insecurity. Similar to prominent politicians whom many people love or hate, what appears to be a “strong,” confident person may turn out to be someone who is a polished and blustery showman, like the Wizard of Oz. Underneath the bluster are hidden fears and vulnerabilities they dare not expose.
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with being confident. But oftentimes, too much of one quality can leave us unbalanced, especially when it’s designed to compensate for character flaws and deficits.
Emotional rigidity and splitting
A mind that clings to certainty is a mind that is closed to new ideas and viewpoints. Overconfidence implies a mental and emotional rigidity—restricting our thinking to simplistic black and white categories. We engage in psychological “splitting”—putting things in neat categories that offer order and predictability in our lives.
We think in extremes with no middle ground: You’re either with me or against me. You love me or hate me. It's difficult to acknowledge thoughts and feelings that appear to be in opposition to each other. We see people as either good or bad rather than realize that everyone, including ourselves, has some blend of positive and not-so-stellar qualities.
Such splitting is common when our inner life feels chaotic and unsettled, perhaps due to early trauma or feeling unsafe in our family of origin. Taken to an extreme, inflexible thinking and behavior might reflect a personality disorder (such as a borderline personality disorder). It is difficult to consider other viewpoints or empathize with people’s feelings because we’re consumed by hidden insecurity.
Life isn’t as neatly ordered and predictable as we might like to think. One sign of emotional and mental health is the capacity for flexibility and resilience, as well as a willingness to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty. Acknowledging that we don’t know something isn’t a sign of weakness. Just the opposite. It takes a strong, secure person to declare, “I just don’t know!” or “I’m not sure” or “I need to think about that more.”
Perhaps you’re someone who could benefit from a higher dose of self-confidence. If you‘re riddled with perfectionism or organize your life around trying to avoid shame, you might hesitate to express your views or needs, fearful that you'll be criticized or ridiculed.
On the other hand, perhaps you tend to project an image of confidence that is not congruent with who you really are. If so, try pausing the next time you’re about to express something with apparent confidence. Bring some mindfulness to what you’re about to say. Does it resonate with your inner felt sense? Are you as certain about it as you'd like to believe? Perhaps consider a softer tone that adds a dose of humility to your words—making room for the ambiguity and uncertainty that is an unavoidable part of life. You might find that living with such humility is a more relaxing and peaceful way to be in the world while also creating more harmony in your relationships.
© John Amodeo
