Sex

Normal Healthy Couples Have Sexual Desire Problems

Nothing may be going wrong when sexual desire dies!

Posted May 13, 2011

"Idea To Ponder" from Intimacy & Desire:

"Normal couples have sexual desire problems. Virtually all couples have sexual desire problems sooner or later. Thirty six percent of almost 20,000 people have desire problems virtually all time time, and another 25% have them most times before sex."

  • 12% had no sex in the last year.
  • 21% have sex several times a year.
  • 34% have sex once or twice a month
  • 26% have sex once or twice a week
  • 7% have sex 4 or 5 times a week.
  • 35% almost always have sexual desire problems before they have sex.
  • Another 25% usually have desire problems.
  • And another 25% have desire problems some times.
  • Only 9% rarely have desire problems.
  • Another 6% were Energizer Bunnies, never had desire problems, and were ready to keep going...and going...and going.

When 60% of people have ongoing sexual desire problems, and another 25% have them intermittently, by any scientific standard it's prudent to say normal people have sexual desire problems. Arguably, you're abnormal if you don't!

Natural ecology of love relationships

How to make sense of this? By conventional ways to seeing things, the data proves there's a lot more screwed up people than you believed. Perhaps you thought something was wrong with you and a few others, but you never imagined this epidemic! Or maybe this means widespread suspicion that emotional commitment kills sex is true after all! Or maybe this means humans weren't meant to be monogamous.

Notice there isn't a healthy explanation in the bunch. If it isn't you or your partner that's messed up in some way, then it's your particular relationship, or relationships in general, or social expectations gone wrong.

Finally, a book that deals with sexual realities
But what if these results don't indicate something a miss.

  • What if everything is going right?
  • What if committed relationships are a lot harder, and unbelievably more sophisticated, than you ever imagined?
  • What if sexual desire problems are common and normal because they're part of the "people-growing machinery" of committed relationships? 

Well, that would make the fact you have sexual desire problems look quite different. It would change the way you feel about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. You'd stop thinking of yourself as a freak of nature. It would also make you darn curious about this "people-growing machine" idea.


My latest book  Intimacy & Desire is the first explanation why normal healthy book covercouples have sexual desire problems. The "people-growing machinery" is my way of talking about the natural ecology of love relationships. Relationships have their own ecology, just like world ecology, and the rules of both ecologies pre-exist us. They are there of their own accord, evolved over centuries. Intimacy and Desire details how sexual desire problems are built into the processes of self-development that permeate love relationships (which I call "differentiation"). It offers time-proven practical ways for resolving sexual desire problems, which also harness your relationship's natural ecology to help you become a more resilient, loving, passionate, intimate, solid adult (i.e, more differentiated).

I suggest you check it out. Paperback version is now available on our new DesireBook.com web site, where you'll find loads of information about Intimacy & Desire.


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