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Intimacy and Desire

Passion in Long-Term Relationships

Attachment
Normal Marital Sadism

David Schnarch Ph.D. on May 25, 2012

The May 2012 edition of Psychology Today has an article featuring my work, describing how I deal with partners’ unacknowledged anger, hostility, and hatred. So I want to start off by telling you I’m actually a pretty nice guy. You can even ask my wife, daughter and parents. They are all honest, kind, decent people—arguably even more so than me—so they know the difference.

The May 2012 edition of Psychology Today has an article featuring my work, describing how I deal with partners’ unacknowledged anger, hostility, and hatred. So I want to start off by telling you I’m actually a pretty nice guy. You can even ask my wife, daughter and parents. They are all honest, kind, decent people—arguably even more so than me—so they know the difference.

Relationships
Do You Want Your Partner To Stroke Your Ego Or Your Genitals?

David Schnarch Ph.D. on August 23, 2011

Want your partner to accept, validate and emotionally support you? Want hot sex too? In long-term committed relationships you're not likely to keep getting both. So what will it be? Have your partner inflate your ego, soothe your childhood wounds, or rub your erogenous zones? It's human nature to lose sexual desire for someone you have to constantly prop up.

Want your partner to accept, validate and emotionally support you? Want hot sex too? In long-term committed relationships you're not likely to keep getting both. So what will it be? Have your partner inflate your ego, soothe your childhood wounds, or rub your erogenous zones? It's human nature to lose sexual desire for someone you have to constantly prop up.

Sex
Developing a Self Greatly Shapes Your Sexual Desire

David Schnarch Ph.D. on August 17, 2011

Couples with sexual desire problems are often battling out the wars of autonomy, attachment and selfhood. You think you're just having sex problems. It doesn't help that your partner may be saying, "It's not about you, I'm just not into sex." Or, "All you want is sex!" Your partner is saying it too: it's about sex. That's what you probably want to believe too.

Couples with sexual desire problems are often battling out the wars of autonomy, attachment and selfhood. You think you're just having sex problems. It doesn't help that your partner may be saying, "It's not about you, I'm just not into sex." Or, "All you want is sex!" Your partner is saying it too: it's about sex. That's what you probably want to believe too.

Relationships
Decoding The Logic of Sexual Relationships

David Schnarch Ph.D. on June 12, 2011

Sex is part of the "people growing machinery" of emotionally committed relationships. Sexual boredom and squabbles about sexual repertoire are normal, inevitable and potentially healthy developments that push us to grow into mature adults capable of durable love and hot sex.

Sex is part of the "people growing machinery" of emotionally committed relationships. Sexual boredom and squabbles about sexual repertoire are normal, inevitable and potentially healthy developments that push us to grow into mature adults capable of durable love and hot sex.

Sex
Sex and Self-Development Between The Sheets

David Schnarch Ph.D. on June 7, 2011

The only way to cure sexual boredom is to expand your sexual repertoire. But don't expect your partner to applaud when you propose something new. Expect to hear, "That's a disgusting and perverted thing to do!"

The only way to cure sexual boredom is to expand your sexual repertoire. But don't expect your partner to applaud when you propose something new. Expect to hear, "That's a disgusting and perverted thing to do!"

Sex
People Have Sex Within The Limits of Their Development

David Schnarch Ph.D. on June 4, 2011

People have sex up to the limits of their sexual development. The solution to sexual boredom involves stepping outside your familiar repertoire and creating novelty. This raises your anxiety, challenges your identity, and shakes up your relationship.

People have sex up to the limits of their sexual development. The solution to sexual boredom involves stepping outside your familiar repertoire and creating novelty. This raises your anxiety, challenges your identity, and shakes up your relationship.

Relationships
Sexual Relationships Always Consist of 'Leftovers'

David Schnarch Ph.D. on June 1, 2011

The most profound truths about relationships are often stunningly simple to articulate and incredibly difficult to live with. We're too ready to think we have "irreconcilable differences" or "sexual incompatibility" or we've "lost the chemistry." If you don't understand how sex really works, you're more likely to needlessly get divorced.

The most profound truths about relationships are often stunningly simple to articulate and incredibly difficult to live with. We're too ready to think we have "irreconcilable differences" or "sexual incompatibility" or we've "lost the chemistry." If you don't understand how sex really works, you're more likely to needlessly get divorced.

Relationships
People Who Can't Control Themselves Control The People Around Them Part 2

David Schnarch Ph.D. on May 27, 2011

Interdependence as a concept has been around for years, but it is badly misunderstood. This is why people talking the most about it are usually unable to do it. The problem isn't that they have difficulty putting their ideals into practice (but which is often true). The problem is their idea of interdependence is systematically wrong.

Interdependence as a concept has been around for years, but it is badly misunderstood. This is why people talking the most about it are usually unable to do it. The problem isn't that they have difficulty putting their ideals into practice (but which is often true). The problem is their idea of interdependence is systematically wrong.

Relationships
People Who Can't Control Themselves Try to Control Others

David Schnarch Ph.D. on May 23, 2011

Do your feelings and insecurities dominate your relationships? Do you always have to be right? These are signs of difficulty regulating and modulating your inner emotional world.

Do your feelings and insecurities dominate your relationships? Do you always have to be right? These are signs of difficulty regulating and modulating your inner emotional world.

Asperger's Syndrome
When Experts Who Want To Be Rich and Famous Stray

David Schnarch Ph.D. on May 23, 2011

A brief review of my and Dr. Goulston’s posts reveals some interesting similarities. But my real and overriding concern lies in portions of Dr. Goulston’s article that are unquestionably his own authorship: creating an imaginary “secondary Asperger’s syndrome” and promoting it to the public as if it really exists.

A brief review of my and Dr. Goulston’s posts reveals some interesting similarities. But my real and overriding concern lies in portions of Dr. Goulston’s article that are unquestionably his own authorship: creating an imaginary “secondary Asperger’s syndrome” and promoting it to the public as if it really exists.

Relationships
Why Rich and Powerful People Cheat: Part 3

David Schnarch Ph.D. on May 22, 2011

The interplay of unique circumstances, common personal shortcomings, and normal relationship dynamics make affairs a particular problem for celebrity and wealthy couples. This is easiest to see if you consider the position of the wife of a powerful man.

The interplay of unique circumstances, common personal shortcomings, and normal relationship dynamics make affairs a particular problem for celebrity and wealthy couples. This is easiest to see if you consider the position of the wife of a powerful man.

Relationships
Why Rich and Powerful People Cheat: Part 2

David Schnarch Ph.D. on May 20, 2011

Rich and powerful people cheat because they are just like everyone else, with flaws, blind spots, and lapses in judgment. One major factor is common dependence on getting a positive reflected sense of self from the people around us, the clothes we wear, the house we live in, and the car we drive. We light up when someone finds us attractive.

Rich and powerful people cheat because they are just like everyone else, with flaws, blind spots, and lapses in judgment. One major factor is common dependence on getting a positive reflected sense of self from the people around us, the clothes we wear, the house we live in, and the car we drive. We light up when someone finds us attractive.

Sex
Why Rich and Powerful People Cheat: Part 1

David Schnarch Ph.D. on May 19, 2011

Many people think sex with lots of women is a side benefit that comes with being powerful, whether that power is political, economic, or social.

Many people think sex with lots of women is a side benefit that comes with being powerful, whether that power is political, economic, or social.

Relationships
Normal Healthy Couples Have Sexual Desire Problems

David Schnarch Ph.D. on May 13, 2011

If you are having sexual desire problems, and there's a very good chance you are, do you feel inadequate, ashamed or embarrassed, in addition to feeling deprived, frustrated, or royally pissed-off? Even if you don't have sexual desire problems now, you can imagine how people feel. You know how you would feel, and you're normal, aren't you?

If you are having sexual desire problems, and there's a very good chance you are, do you feel inadequate, ashamed or embarrassed, in addition to feeling deprived, frustrated, or royally pissed-off? Even if you don't have sexual desire problems now, you can imagine how people feel. You know how you would feel, and you're normal, aren't you?

Smoking
Happy Mother's Day to Mothers Of Basic Decency

David Schnarch Ph.D. on May 4, 2011

Every mother "loses it" sometimes. Even the best mothers do things they really regret. But some mothers do untoward things repeatedly, and some don't regret it at all. I've stopped taking the basic decency I grew up with for granted, and now appreciate how many people haven't had this

Every mother "loses it" sometimes. Even the best mothers do things they really regret. But some mothers do untoward things repeatedly, and some don't regret it at all. I've stopped taking the basic decency I grew up with for granted, and now appreciate how many people haven't had this

Relationships
Hey Mom! I Love You!

David Schnarch Ph.D. on May 4, 2011

When you’re an author, you write with an audience in mind. I’ve written for couples, singles, gays, straights, therapists, physicians, nurses, students, teachers, and parents. But not once, in any conscious and deliberate fashion, have I written for my mother.

When you’re an author, you write with an audience in mind. I’ve written for couples, singles, gays, straights, therapists, physicians, nurses, students, teachers, and parents. But not once, in any conscious and deliberate fashion, have I written for my mother.