Shame: The Taboo Emotion We Need to Befriend

Source: Flickr image by Montecruz Foto

Human emotions can be hard to sit with—especially the ones that make us feel small, flawed, or afraid. Yet one emotion often lurks in the shadows more than any other: shame.

Shame is that sinking feeling in your gut when you’ve made a mistake, said something awkward, or imagine you’ll be laughed at for being authentic. It’s tied to the painful belief that you’re fundamentally flawed, defective, or unworthy. And when we don’t deal with it wisely, it has a destructive effect on our lives.

Shame, Sociopathy, and Narcissism

We all experience shame. It’s a universal emotion, and not a bad one. We need a little bit of shame in order to socialize in a good way. Healthy shame—as opposed to toxic shame—tells us when we’ve hurt someone or violated their boundaries. It brings us into honest contact with our human limitations.

People who are shameless may become sociopaths. They’ve experienced so much shame growing up that they learned to deal with this unbearable emotion by dissociating from it. As a result, they become numb to both their shame and how they affect others. They may come across as cold, arrogant, or unfeeling—they’ve buried their shame so deeply that it controls them from the shadows. Intimate relationships become challenging.

People consumed by shame may seem self-absorbed. It’s been said that they only care about themselves. But that is a misunderstanding. They don’t genuinely care about themselves—they care about their image. They care about how they’re viewed by others. They seek to appear powerful and invincible, desperate to avoid the exposure of their shame. Beneath the mask of grandiosity is often a deep wound—and an inability to really love themselves.

The Habit That Disconnects Us

When someone is cut off from shame, their behavior may seem harsh, confusing, or self-serving to others—but to them, it feels normal. In psychological terms, this is known as ego-syntonic: their behavior fits with their sense of self, even if it’s harmful.

There is no conflict, shame, or guilt in acting in ways that harm others because such behavior is consistent with their (distorted) sense of self.

Such individuals feel free to lie, cheat, or manipulate without remorse in order to get what they want. After a while, it’s not even clear to them that they’re lying to themselves. Their shame has become so intolerable that they’ve disconnected from it—and from the emotional impact of their actions.

The habit of distancing from shame doesn’t make it disappear. As much as they might succeed in dissociating from their shame, it shows up in other forms—perfectionism, control, rage, blame, or emotional withdrawal. We're easily triggered when anything reminds us we might be flawed, and we react with defensiveness or aggression.

Healing Our Shame

Healing begins with recognizing shame—not denying it, not drowning in it, but bringing it into gentle awareness.

The goal isn’t to eliminate shame—it’s part of being human . The key is to befriend it—to find a wise distance from it. That means we neither merge with it nor exile it. We notice it, name it, and relate to it with compassion.

Failing at something doesn’t mean we are failures. When a relationship ends or we lose a job, it doesn’t mean we’re unlovable or a loser. It just means we’re human.

As Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubin put it in Embracing Shame:

“When we notice the inner critic jabbering away at us, we simply reply back with something along these lines: ‘You’re right; I'm not perfect. Nobody’s perfect. I made a mistake, but that’s normal. I can learn from my mistakes and strive to be good enough, because I’ll never be perfect.'”

That kind of self-talk doesn’t feed grandiosity or self-pity. It fosters self-befriending and emotional resilience. If we make a mistake, we can draw upon inner resources to learn and grow from it. We can find the humility to realize that no one is perfect. We only need to do our best.

When my clients begin to understand that they carry shame, but they are not the shame, they feel lighter. They begin to hold themselves with greater ease and self-acceptance. Their self-worth improves as they realize it’s ok to experience shame sometimes. No one is exempt.

Shame Essential Reads

What We Misunderstand About Jung's Shadow

Shame Attacking: Overcoming a Lifetime of Social Anxiety

Healing shame doesn’t mean banishing it. That’s not possible. It means bringing it more under control through the power of our gentle awareness. As we bring the light of awareness toward our shame, it has less power over us. When clients begin to understand that they carry shame—but are not their shame—they often feel lighter, more free, and more able to relate to themselves and others with ease and kindness. Their sense of worth improves as they realize that it’s okay to experience shame sometimes. No one is exempt.

Shame and Empathy

Shame keeps us locked in self-protection. We become preoccupied with guarding our image, leaving little room for attuning to others. But as we gently work with our shame—naming it, softening toward it—it loosens its grip. We become more present, more real, more alive—and more open to love and to being loved.

And perhaps most important, we come to realize this: We are worthy—not because we’re flawlesss or polished, but because we’re human.

© John Amodeo