The One Essential Thing You Can Do to Get Heard

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One thing that’s become clear to me during my 44 years of psychotherapy practice is that we all want to be heard. There’s no greater joy than creating rich, deep, meaningful connections. Communicating skillfully makes a huge difference in creating those connections and improving our quality of life.

Many of us bear the scars of not being heard as children. We didn’t feel emotionally safe to share our vulnerable feelings and deepest concerns with caregivers or friends. Well-meaning parents may have been too busy or preoccupied to extend caring attention. Assuming we won’t get heard may have become a familiar experience.

When we carry a core belief that people aren’t willing or able to hear our feelings and needs, we might keep a lot inside and be reluctant to talk. Or we go to the other extreme—cranking up our manner of speaking by talking fast or with an edge or anger or irritability. We might talk over people when they want to be heard.

Consequently, not much communication is happening, not much connection. Depression and anxiety may spring from not having healthy, safe attachments.

Sadly, the repeated experience of not feeling connected can leave us frustrated, confirming our conviction that people aren’t interested in hearing and understanding us. Yet has it occurred to you that there are some things you can do that might help you get heard? Here’s a superpower you can tap into to help turn things around.

The Power of Pausing

It may seem trivial, but pausing during conversations can be a powerful way to draw people toward us. As discussed in a previous article, people have short attention spans these days. Too many words can overwhelm the listener. They may get flooded, bored, or over-saturated while we just keep talking, tone-deaf to how they’re spacing out.

Building in the habit of pausing gives the listener a chance to absorb what we’re saying. It gives them a chance to catch their breath, and perhaps ask a question or share what’s coming up for them as we speak. It also gives us a chance to get clearer about what we really want to say. This includes uncovering deeper feelings that might be eluding us.

Communication involves content and process. We often focus on the content without sharing how we feel about what we’re saying. Perhaps you’re talking about a recent family visit or an issue at work. People are more likely to maintain interest if you share not only what happened, but also how you feel about it.

Pausing gives you a chance to notice and share these feelings. Was the family visit enjoyable, upsetting, or perhaps both? Was the conversation with your boss or colleague meaningful, scary, or uplifting? Noticing and sharing such feelings draws the listener in. It keeps the connection alive.

Pausing Can Deepen Connection

If you are expressing displeasure with your partner or friend, pausing is especially important. It gives you a chance to notice whether you’re expressing your feelings or judgments.

So often when I work with couples, they believe they’re sharing their feelings, when actually they’re shaming the other person with comments that have a hurtful sub-text: “What’s wrong with you?” or “You’re not a good person.” Pausing gives you a chance to replace shaming, disrespectful comments that strip people of their dignity (and evoke defensiveness) with a courageously vulnerable expression from your inner world. “When you said or did XYZ, I felt sad (or hurt, ashamed, or angry).”

Psychotherapy research conducted by Eugene Gendlin found that clients who made the most progress in therapy were pausing and connecting with their felt experience, rather than talking from their heads. He developed focusing to help people uncover—and speak from—their felt sense (a term coined by Gendlin).

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Much of my work has been applying focusing to relationships. As people pause long enough to connect with their inner feelings, and then share these feelings, a safer emotional climate is created. Love and intimacy thrive in a climate of safety and mutual listening. Pausing allows us to slow down and speak from our authentic heart, rather than spewing out criticisms, interpretations, or biased viewpoints, which push away the connections we want.

Pausing allows us to connect with something deeper than our preconceived opinions and judgments. As we take time to uncover the quieter feelings needing our attention, we are better positioned to speak from a tender, soulful place.

Checking In

Pausing allows us to check in with how we’re being received. Rather than overwhelm our listener, we can check if they’re staying with us. Here are some inquiries that assure the listener that the connection with them is more important than your story or content.

• "Am I talking too much? I don’t want to overwhelm you."
• "Did you want to respond to anything I’ve said before I continue?"
• "Are you with me or am I losing you?"
• "How is what I’m saying landing with you?"

Such check-ins show sensitivity to how you're being received. You’re signaling that you're more interested in staying connected than in making your points—and that you’re willing to make adjustments so you don’t lose the connection. Balancing self-expression with an awareness of how your words are landing in the other person creates a climate for love and intimacy to thrive.

We have no ultimate control over whether a person will hear us and understand us. But cultivating the habit of pausing and checking in with your listener can increase your chances of being heard and feeling connected.

© John Amodeo