Why So Many People Are Social but Still Lonely

Have you ever felt out of place at a party or profoundly misunderstood by a colleague, friend, or partner? Psychoanalyst Carl Jung said that “loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.” It could be a matter of shyness or social skills. But even an individual who possesses ample social and communication skills can fail to have a meaningful exchange when there is no willing, able converser available (see Alvarado, 2025). The experience of feeling separate and alone in spaces and relationships—when you have the requisite skills but just no one to share with—is referred to as epistemic loneliness. What are, and are not, aspects of this phenomenon?

Two meaningful distinctions

First, social isolation is not necessarily a precursor of loneliness. For instance, note that solitude in and of itself does not imply loneliness (Motta, 2021). Others can be absent without a person experiencing loneliness. While past conceptualizations associated loneliness with objective social isolation, depression, introversion, or poor social skills, more recent work has demonstrated that such characterizations may not be correct.

Second, loneliness is also experienced by sociable folks when they are among people (see Cacioppo and Cacioppo, 2018). But even when we work hard to avoid having social isolation as the focus of definitions and accounts of loneliness (Alvarado, 2025), an emphasis on the social aspect of loneliness continues in psychology.

What is epistemic loneliness?

Alvarado stresses that cognitive isolation is being unable to share “the richer mental aspects of someone’s life beyond unidirectional sharing of thoughts and ideas” (2025, p. 158). What he calls epistemic loneliness is closely tied to “our cognitive abilities” and “intellectual endeavors.” I would expand this to include a wish to play with ideas with others and engage in conversation about various forms of creativity. A musician, a composer, an educator who likes comparing notes about teaching philosophy, a clinician who wants to discuss sticky psychological questions, or a researcher excited about a new project’s initial findings may experience themselves as “all dressed up but with nowhere to go” when topics of interest to them are met with no interest or response from others who do not share their interests or backgrounds.

For example, a fulsome, far-ranging philosophical conversation I had with an English professor proved to be resonant and meaningful, both cognitively and emotionally. This published poet and pianist and I discussed the idea of making complex ideas and experiences something more easily understood by our students, clients, and readers. Because we built bridges to meet one another via shared experiences and backgrounds (I am also a musician who is familiar with music theory, and we are both educators), cognitive isolation was not experienced that evening.

This is not to say that being cognitively connected with others is the only antidote to this type of loneliness. Everyone has thoughts, stories, and experiences to share, and as both a layperson and a helping professional. I am happy to hear them. But not everyone in our lives is willing and able to share their thoughts in response to ours. Therefore, a like-minded other, or someone who “gets" it or “gets" us, goes a long way to banishing this specific kind of loneliness.

In conclusion, Jung posited that being able to speak about the things that matter most to you means you are no longer alone, and you can be seen and known for who you are. Dancing in dialogue is key. Having a fellow knower who is willing to meet you halfway and who knows some of the steps, or is interested in learning a few new ones, can banish this type of loneliness.

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