Attention
Authentic Listening: Tips for Reclaiming a Lost Art
Many are good at faking a presence in a conversation when they're really absent.
Posted December 29, 2021 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Many conversations have become a vocal competition where "the listener" is just catching their breath and readying their next salvo.
- People often fake their presence by nodding and parroting back words, but they are largely absent and are not deepening the conversation.
- Listening intently, and intentionally, demands focus, being grounded, and toleration of silence.
A friend reported on social media that she’d received a glass at a gift exchange with the following message: “Women love mythical creatures: vampires, mermaids, and men who listen.” The usual replies sailed in from men: “What?” And, “Women talk too much, so we tune out, LOL.” Such comments make a joke out of a prevalent phenomenon: that people, not only men, have a hard time attending to and meaningfully responding to what others are saying. Here are a few thoughts on the topic of authentic listening.
Listening is not impatiently waiting for your turn to talk.
In U.S. culture, conversations are often seen as a form of vocal competition (America’s Got Logorrhea), with the listener waiting for their chance to speak and “win” the argument. It’s a debate with each person being sure they’re “right.” But when we’re centered and grounded, we don’t need to be the victor or “the correct one” all of the time. Unless you’re on a speed date (gag), there’s plenty of time.
Listening is not simply parroting back words.
Yes, a component of listening involves proving you were paying attention to what someone was saying. But authentic listening is attending to the thoughts and emotions laying just below the words (and the silences). I say silences because when folks share something they haven’t disclosed before, or something they hadn’t thought of before, they have a wealth of feelings about what’s just been said and may become quiet, sifting through and identifying those emotions, which requires time.
That’s not a signal to sally forth and commandeer the conversation. Hang back and allow the exchange to deepen. If one learns to tolerate the silences, the dialogical interstices, or spaces between words, can then become fertile ground.
Listening requires focus and all our attention.
Listening is not grunting while scrolling. Or nodding but not tracking. Nor is it occasionally glancing over to see if the speaker is still there.
Fake listening is a contradiction where we gesture to a presence during a profound absence. Emotional withdrawal, or removing our attention from a speaker, represents a form of stonewalling, one of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It’s a predictor of divorce. If you’re great at fake listening, then you’re bad at relationships.
Tracking, listening intently and intentionally, and asking relevant questions that indicate an initial grasp of or interest in the speaker’s words represent positive behaviors in relationships that work. One is demonstrating caring, and as the conversation continues, perhaps even showing empathy and understanding. Think about what a very close friend does. What makes them a “bestie”? They “get” you, really hear what you’re saying, and ask open-ended questions that allow the conversation to go deeper and become more meaningful. And they are there to listen to the answers to those questions.
As Gottman says, it’s the quality of the friendship in intimate relationships that matters most. Listening is a crucial component to enhancing that friendship, so it’s worth working toward becoming better at it. Thank you for your attention. Now, stop scrolling, and give your partner your ears and eye contact.