Empathy: The Conduit of Connection

In a previous post, I proposed that well-being comes from feeling connected to or one with the here-and-now, people, and the world, while being unwell comes from feeling disconnected or isolated from these three dimensions of life. I also suggested that cultivating well-being involves identifying what promotes or impedes feeling connected for each of us across these dimensions. In this post, I focus on the importance of empathy in feeling connected with people.

A sustained sense of connection with the people in our lives involves having strong and stable interpersonal bonds. When interpersonally bonded, there is a closeness, openness, affection, care, trust, supportiveness, belonging, or some similar sense of mutually felt, emotional connection. A large body of research suggests that a strong sense of social connectedness is predictive of life satisfaction, well-being, physical health, and longevity (Diener & Seligman, 2002; Holt-Lunstad et al., 2017).

In social interactions where connection is mutually felt (and interpersonal bonds are formed, strengthened, or maintained), there is a reciprocation of sharing (expressing one’s self) and receiving (taking in the expression of the other person). Receiving the expression of another person is made possible through empathy.

Empathy Defined

Empathy has been generally defined as, “the capacity to understand what another person is experiencing from within the other person's frame of reference” (Bellet & Maloney, 1991).

Empathy as a fundamental aspect of effective psychotherapy, as well as harmonious intergroup relations, was emphasized by prominent 20th century psychologist, Carl Rogers. According to Rogers (1961), accurate empathic understanding involves, “Sensing the feelings and personal meanings which the [other person] is experiencing in each moment, when [we] can perceive these from ‘inside’, as they seem to the [person], and when [we] can successfully communicate something of that understanding to [the person]… When [we] can grasp the moment-to-moment experiencing which occurs in the inner world of the [person] as the [person] sees it and feels it.” Rogers (1975) elaborated, “To be with another in this way means that for the time being you lay aside the views and values you hold for yourself in order to enter another's world without prejudice”.

Empathy Deconstructed

Following Rogers’ explication of accurate empathic understanding, empathy may be understood as a process of attending, comprehending, clarifying, and affirming.

Attending means giving our full attention to a person and taking in what they are expressing. It involves orienting our awareness “toward the meeting and receiving of that other” (D’Onofrio, 2013). When attending, we take in not only what a person is communicating (their ideas), but also how they’re communicating (the feelings and frame of mind accompanying their ideas), which comes through in the tone, pace, and volume of their speech, as well as their facial expressions, eye contact, posture, and gestures. Attending occurs naturally when we are genuinely interested in and want to know another person and their experience (i.e., their thoughts, feelings, and perceptions), without any other agenda. Attending is also easier the more our mind is quiet or unoccupied.

Comprehending involves mentally grasping what the other person is expressing. Central to this aspect of empathy is perspective taking, or the ability to adopt another’s point of view (Cuff et al., 2016). Comprehending occurs naturally when we are open-minded — when willing to “lay aside the views and values you hold… [and] enter another's world” (Rogers, 1975), even when it seems different or unfamiliar.

Clarifying: If we’re not certain of a person’s perspective, what they mean, or how they are feeling about it, then an empathic response involves asking for clarification. Although overlooked in many conceptualizations of empathy (Cuff et al., 2016), clarifying is often essential to accurately comprehending what a person is trying to communicate. If we haven't grasped the precise meaning of what is being communicated as it is meant by the other person, then we are prone to fill in our conceptualization with assumptions, distorting our understanding of their experience from their point of view. Therefore, clarifying is predicated on our ability to recognize uncertainty or assumptions in our conceptualization of what is being expressed.

Affirming is the act of acknowledging that another’s expression is being heard and understood. An affirming response may involve a head nod, ‘yeah’, or ‘mm-hmm’ (known in mental health counseling and psychotherapy as a minimal encourager), or a statement of what we’ve perceived the person to mean or be feeling (known as a reflection). When affirming, we’re not agreeing, disagreeing, or providing our opinion, but rather are simply expressing our understanding of what was said, meant, or felt.

The Emotional Core of Empathy

Recognizing and validating another’s emotions is vital to being empathic. This is suggested by English psychologist Edward Titchener’s original translation of the concept of empathy from the German term, “Einfühlung”, meaning “feeling into” (Stueber, 2019). Acknowledging another’s emotions is integral to empathy because the personal meaning or significance of an individual’s point of view is reflected in the feelings it evokes in them. In other words, a person’s emotional expression is a window into their inner world.

Empathy Essential Reads

Don't Cry Alone

Why We Need Empathy

Given the importance of emotions to understanding others, an empathic interpersonal orientation is rooted in emotional attunement. When emotionally attuned, we are sensitive and receptive to a person's emotional state from moment to moment.

Contributing to our capacity to be emotionally attuned is emotional literacy, which refers to our understanding of the emotional connotations of language and our ability to name feelings in ourselves and others. Someone with a high emotional literacy is familiar with the mental and physical states represented by a variety of emotion words (see here for over 450).

The Roots of an Empathic Way of Being

While empathic listening is a skill that can be learned, practiced, and developed, empathy is more fundamentally a way of being (Rogers, 1975). As such, if we relate with the skills of empathy but not the spirit, it may have a forced or superficial quality that limits its conduciveness to interpersonal connection.

In my view, a truly empathic way of being is rooted in an appreciation for our shared existence and experience of life as human beings. This includes appreciating the vast depth and complexity of the inner (psychological) world of each individual, as well as the pain, distress, and hardship that is part of being human. Related perspectives can be found in many cultures and religious teachings. Here are two:

Ubuntu: An African cultural ethic or worldview, ‘Ubuntu’ (Zulu language, Southern Africa) and its many translations (e.g., ‘Hunhu', Shona language, Zimbabwe), refers to the view that “[a] human being is part of a larger and more significant relational, communal, societal, environmental and spiritual world” (Mugumbate & Chereni, 2020). Ubuntu is commonly defined by the proverb, "a person is a person through other persons”. According to the late South African Anglican cleric, Desmond Tutu, Ubuntu “speaks of how my humanity is caught up and bound up inextricably with yours… I am because we are, for we are made for togetherness, for family… We are created for a delicate network of relationships, of interdependence with our fellow human beings, with the rest of creation” (Tutu, 2011).

Interbeing: Coined by the late Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh (2017), ‘interbeing’ describes “our deep interconnection with everything else… We do not exist independently. We inter-are. Everything relies on everything else in the cosmos in order to manifest — whether a star, a cloud, a flower, a tree, or you and me.” Interbeing reflects the Buddhist tenet, dependent origination (also known as conditioned co-arising), which states that all things “arise and exist due to the presence of certain conditions and cease once their conditions are removed” (Emmanuel, 2015).

When we see others through the lens of compassion and interconnectedness, we are more naturally empathic, and in turn, can feel more interpersonally connected.