What to Say to the Brokenhearted

Grief arises from the loss of anything or anyone we have valued. The death of a loved one is a conspicuous loss. Among many other possibilities, people may grieve a relationship ending, losing an intact family because of divorce, a parent’s descent into dementia, a career setback, the loss of a home, and diminished physical or mental abilities. People grieve because they remember when things were different and when they long to restore what they have lost.

Efforts to Sympathize

What can we say to comfort a friend whose heart aches from loss? In situations involving grief-stricken individuals, we are inclined to express condolences, such as “I am so sorry for your loss.” Attempting to offer comfort or support, we may occasionally reach out to the griever, asking, “How are you doing?” or reminding them, “I am here for you.” Yet grievers may be unwilling to convey the depth of their feelings, or they may be as inarticulate about what they feel as those who hope to comfort them.

The Silence of Grief

Grief may be silently held by those who experience it, and this silence is part of our elusive understanding of loss-related responses. Much of grief is enveloped in the silence of personal memories and emotions, so those who have experienced loss may hide what they remember and feel. Some mourners may keep bonds with lost loved ones to themselves, considering the connection with someone or something now absent from their life as sacred, personal, or even shameful. Their silence may be an attempt to avoid judgment or being perceived as burdensome. As a result, they may compartmentalize their thoughts and feelings while behaving as though they have re-engaged with their usual lives.

Thus, the perception that a person has “moved on” from loss may have little to do with what they feel inside. We may generally ask how someone is doing after a loss or a break-up, but once they appear to have resumed their day-to-day life, we tend to overlook what or who is missing. In this regard, one of my grieving clients said, “People don’t ask questions, but they also don’t want to know the answers” (Lamia, 2022).

Granted, people in Western culture may risk social isolation if they expose their heartache. Negative emotions can create discomfort or stress in the listener, and emotions such as distress or anguish may limit potential support for the griever (Bonanno, 2012). Some grievers describe an intolerance of prolonged social situations because they fear losing control of their emotions, being unable to convey a favorable impression, or believing that others will negatively view their expressions of authentic grief (Clark & Wells, 1995; Smith & Ehlers, 2021). Therefore, emotional avoidance and self-deceptive processes can be effective ways of coping with the pain of loss (Keltner & Bonanno, 1997).

Yet unshared joy also encumbers us. Those who grieve miss sharing joyful moments with the person who is no longer present, or lament the enjoyment from what they once had in their lives that is now missing. Thus, friends and relatives of mourners may notice a change in the person who is now grieving. Granted, mourners do not always consider the impact of their own sadness on others and may inadvertently overlook the effect of their inner retreat on those around them. Relatives and friends may become frustrated, wanting the griever to move past the loss and reengage with life as it was before. Moreover, through emotional contagion, others may experience the same emotions that the griever feels. As a result, sharing sensitive or emotional conversations is often avoided in the interest of maintaining upbeat friendships.

Remembering

Memories enable us to maintain continuity with someone or something. Disruption to our sense of continuity occurs if we lose a job, a home, a friendship, or someone we had cherished. Practically speaking, remembering is a tool that can be used for learning and adaptation. Therefore, sharing memories is helpful to those who have been parted from someone or something, such as, “I remember the excitement my children expressed whenever your daughter arrived to babysit them—we adored her and she will always be with us,” or “Recently I was remembering your home and the warmth I felt sitting on the couch among all the beautiful pillows you had made, and I was so sorry for your loss.”

A significant loss alters both the narrative of our lives and the sense of continuity within our autobiographical memories. The sense of discontinuity resulting from loss necessitates that we learn how to revise an anticipated future, but we take what we lost with us in memory. For example, in the case of a romantic break-up, we may believe that it is more helpful to diminish the griever’s attachment, justifying why we never thought the lost partner was good for them. However, what haunts the heartbroken are the ghosts of what was good—they grieve the positive qualities and memories of the person they lost. It doesn’t hurt, and it may even help, to recognize what they may miss and what may contribute to their heartache. Thus, the conversation shifts to seeking similar positive qualities as one moves forward.

Learning from the emotions that are present in grief, such as distress, anguish, anger, fear, and shame, is challenging for both the griever and those who associate with them. Yet, since we live in a culture that seems to overvalue happiness and pleasure, it is no wonder that we struggle to indulge in grief.

Grief Essential Reads

Letting Go and Letting Go and Letting Go After Loss

No One’s Ever Really Gone After They Die

[Excerpted in part from my book: Grief Isn’t Something to Get Over: Finding a home for memories and emotions after losing a loved one.]