Shame That Pains Us Can Also Change Us

Generally, shame is linked with the idea of an incompetent self, informing us of an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, dishonor, or regret about which others may or may not be aware. When shame is triggered, we feel bad about who we are—our whole self. Given that shame can lead us to feel as though our entire self is flawed or bad, it makes us want to hide or disappear (Lewis, 1971).

Yet perhaps more significant than any other emotion, shame also motivates learning, growth, and a desire to change the self (Kelly & Lamia, 2018). Consider everyday examples where shame or shame-based anxiety draws attention to characteristics or behaviors a person may want to change, such as losing weight, overcoming an addiction, or washing an accumulation of dirty dishes before guests arrive. Shame also has a social purpose: the prospect of experiencing shame can keep us from behaving impulsively and doing something that might be considered socially inappropriate.

Shame reacts immediately when positive emotions—things we enjoy and want more of—are interfered with by something or someone. Its purpose is to inform us, by making us feel bad, that our happiness is at risk. At the same time, the shame emotion involves the sense that good feelings can possibly be restored. As a result, shame motivates actions and affiliative behaviors toward others in order to protect and restore the self when it is threatened (Hooge, 2014).

Shame plays a key role in what goes well or poorly in our attachments to others (Kelly & Lamia, 2018). Signaling an interpersonal disconnection, shame lets us know when something gets in the way of ongoing positive feelings in relation to another person. For example, if a love interest or friend in our life behaves in a way that leads us to experience shame, we may find ourselves cognitively weaving theories based on past emotional responses in similar situations that inform us via our present emotional response. Yet the emotion ultimately motivates us to reconnect.

Shame Responses

Emotional responses are filtered through our past experiences, culture, and the environment in which we were raised. Patterns stored in memory contribute to how we respond emotionally in the present. Shame responses fall loosely into two major groups – patterns of acceptance or defense. Accepting a shame response and exploring it can be challenging. In interpersonal situations, we typically protect ourselves from the shame of hurt or loss through defensive or coping responses involving withdrawal, avoidance, attacking ourselves, or attacking the other (Nathanson, 1992).

Withdrawal in response to shame involves hiding ourselves from others or not wanting to engage in social activities. Withdrawal responses to chronic shame may appear as depression (Morrison, 1987; Wurmser, 2015). In shame-based depression, people appear both sad and defeated, interpreting what they feel as a personal inadequacy (Tomkins, 1963). Nonetheless, the tendency of people to hide shame in treatment as in their lives may lead therapists to overlook shame as an underlying depressive symptom (Morrison, 1987).

Avoidance is a coping response to shame in which we want to hide our feelings from ourselves. This response may take the form of risky behaviors, addictions, excessive spending, or workaholism. Some high-functioning individuals are prone to use avoidance in very adaptive and self-serving ways in order to handle the core of shame within them. They may attempt to increase self-esteem through techniques of accumulation and repair, whether it is to reach the top of their profession, be in the public eye as an object of high positive regard, or demonstrate a pressured pursuit of new levels of ability, competence, beauty, or wealth (Nathanson, 1992).

"Attack self" responses may involve self-denigration, self-injurious behaviors, or suicide attempts. An "attack self" coping response to shame is particularly prominent in depression, and, when persistent shame and enduring fear arise in close proximity, the resulting guilt will be experienced as anger that is turned against the self (Nathanson, 1994).

In "attack other" responses, anger is often a hidden shame response. Shame-proneness is often associated with anger (e.g., Bear, Uribe-Zarain, Manning, & Shiomi, 2009; Tangney & Dearing, 2002). The relationship between shame and anger has been explained in terms of a self-defensive reaction: to defend against self-blame, one would try not to take responsibility for one’s own fault by externalizing it (e.g., Tangney & Tracy, 2012). The hostility that is initially directed inward would be redirected outward. Anger seen in everyday interpersonal interactions is frequently in response to shame (Bear, et al., 2009).

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Hidden Shame in Symptoms

Historically, negative feeling states have been seen as symptoms of specific disorders rather than recognizing them as possible defensive and coping responses to shame. Longing, disappointment, grief, anger, loneliness, jealousy, or rejection sensitivity can all be conceptualized as phenomena that result from an impediment to what was once positive—often involving a loving connection that was lost.

Symptoms of anxiety frequently have a basis in shame (Kelly & Lamia, 2018). Defensive responses resulting from shame anxiety may appear as phobias, avoidance behaviors, agitation, a fear of failure, and self-destructive acts. Shame-based anxiety is usually misdiagnosed as an anxiety disorder and, at times, treated in ways that make sufferers worse or feel shame for having a condition that they cannot control.

Shame is often central to the experience of depression, and studies have linked depression to central and traumatic memories of shame (Lewis, 1987; Matos, Pinto-Gouveia, & Duarte, 2013, 2015). That shame is involved is evident when one considers that many of the symptoms of depression directly reflect the defensive responses to shame. The tendency of depressed people to hide shame in treatment as in their lives may lead therapists to overlook shame as underlying depressive symptoms (Morrison, 1987).

Narcissism has everything to do with shame, representing patterns of behavior through which people are able to disavow anything that might increase their already unbearable shame (Nathanson, 1992). Those who exhibit narcissistic traits such as grandiosity, entitlement, or self-centeredness maintain a highly adaptive defensive response to shame.

Borderline personality disorders often involve levels of shame beyond what the average human experiences. The source of such highly magnified shame responses may be due to inherited anomalies in the affect system, early damage to the central nervous system from physical and sexual abuse, highly dysfunctional child-caregiver relationships, or a combination of factors. However, despite the intensity of the shame responses in those with borderline pathology, there is also a powerful wish to reinstate the bonds with others that have been broken.

Accepting Shame

Despite its adverse effects, shame often signals something positive—good feelings, wishes, and desires—that may be waiting on the other side of the bad feelings. The exposure of our vulnerability to someone who shows genuine interest reduces shame and allows us to restore our positive sense of self. Increasing our awareness of shame through psychoeducation, reframing, and validation enables us to have an increased connection with the self. Above all else, the shame from which we learn is the shame that changes us for the better.

(Excerpted in part from: Kelly, V. & Lamia, M. (2018). The upside of shame: Therapeutic Interventions using the positive aspects of a ‘Negative’ Emotion. Norton.)