4 Sanity-Saving Tips for Co-Parenting Exes

When the romantic relationship between two parents breaks down and the family separates, nobody wins. No two romantic partners ever set out on a new relationship with the intention that it end in disinterest and detachment in the best-case scenario, or tears and bitterness in the worst-case scenario. For the children, watching their parents separate and mourning the fantasy of a connected parental unit is always painful. The remaining saving grace for every member of the family is the possibility that the parents and children can move on as harmoniously as possible despite the acknowledged losses.

Once the parents become exes, each faces a whole new dynamic in co-parenting, one that can bring daily challenges and may never be fully mastered. The wisest option for co-parenting exes is also a frequently difficult one: setting aside ego and putting the emotional needs of the children first. While such an approach may sound altruistic, the prioritization of collaboration over individual wins actually serves each parent best by reducing stress in the end. The real challenge comes not in each parent identifying the value of collaboration, as collaboration is understood easily and simply on an intellectual level; the challenge is managing the real-time moments with the ex that trigger anger and frustration.

Remembrance and practice of the following techniques can help make co-parenting far more successful.

1. The overall mental framework from which to operate

Remember these three words: pause, pause, and pause. When an old and complex interpersonal dynamic between two co-parenting exes gets triggered, the fight-or-flight response gets activated internally. This limbic response means that your heart rate and other physiological reactions kick-start an intense emotional response unless there is a vigorous attempt to rein it in. Simply put, nothing good happens between two co-parenting exes when a flight-or-fight response is unleashed without sufficient controls. Pausing, in general, provides the only hope for a more adaptive response, one that will result in a more productive interaction once the conflictual moment has passed.

2. Practicing a one-day pause or longer when provoked due to a voicemail, email, or text

Some of the most spine-tingling conflicts between co-parenting exes stem from a voicemail, email, or text. Exes must eschew wishful thinking, or the deluded expectation that co-parenting between exes should be easy. After all, a real relationship was lost, and it's only natural that everyone has strong and intense feelings about that. Add to this equation a required interdependence in a years-long project—in this case, parenting—and one of life's great challenges is born.

Accordingly, the goal can't be perfection but rather to have a clear and neutral response repertoire when conflicts arise as a result of communications. When triggered by a provocative email or text, for example, pausing for a few moments or even a few hours is often not sufficient. While mental health treatments or research-based techniques have a distinct value, perhaps nothing helps more than a good night's sleep to clear the brain and reduce emotional intensity. In everyday conversation, the following adage is often cited: "Time heals all wounds." The truth is probably more akin to this: "Time heals the intensity of pain and frustration." As triggering as an upsetting email or text may be the moment you receive it, pausing a full 24 hours can make an enormous difference in your emotional life. Depending on the degree of frustration or upset, two or three days may be required when possible to avoid escalating the conflict.

3. Avoiding an immediate response during a conflictual phone call with a simple technique

Phone calls present one of the greatest challenges because the dialogue happens in real time, meaning that there's a much stronger pull to respond and defend immediately. Pausing during a call for a few seconds is critical, and those few seconds allow you the mental space to prepare a neutral statement to de-escalate the situation. Statements will be most successful if they acknowledge the other person and also offer a positive suggestion. Say, "I hear what you're saying, and I know this is important, but please give me a day to get back to you on this." Another option: "I know this issue is important and matters to you. I just need to mention that I'm supposed to [insert an appointment you must attend shortly or an urgent phone call you must make]. I do promise though to get back to you later, and I know we can figure this out."

4. Retrieving a photo of your child when they were younger

Because the focus for co-parenting exes should always be the children, putting conflicts with your ex in perspective is required. While a difficult interaction with your co-parent understandably can trigger very adult resentments, taking 60 seconds to look at a photo of your shared child when they were young can have a surprisingly successful effect: It can soften the defense mechanisms that have gotten activated. When you look at the photo, odds are that you will see a gentleness or innocence in your young child, and perhaps remember a time that was kinder and more loving. Engaging in a behavior such as this one is counter-intuitive to the tendency to fight and defend, but it's often the counter-intuitive responses that help a person ultimately feel better.

The takeaway message

Co-parenting in a functional way is possible as long as two things happen: expectations are realistic about what you can change and what you can't, and you make a conscious effort each day to pause in those interactions, no matter how provocative they may be. A trial-and-error approach to navigating daily or weekly challenges will serve everyone in the changed family system better.