The Psychology of Shame and Divorce

Despite the proliferation of self-help books, talk shows that focus on emotional issues, and a less stigmatized conceptualization of mental illness and life problems, disclosing to others that you are divorcing remains challenging. As a psychologist who works with patients, I hear firsthand about the shame people sometimes feel when they experience a divorce. Specifically, they often feel shame when they have to tell family members, friends, and others that a divorce is imminent.

In general, I have found that shame is usually not a productive emotion. Shame rarely motivates a person to change; what typically motivates change is receiving support and empathy from others, coupled with taking responsibility for one's own actions.

What makes a person feel ashamed of admitting that they are divorcing? Part of the shame, on a common sense level, relates to the oath that many married couples take in front of family and friends: the commitment of "'til death do us part." Anyone who has had a long-term romantic relationship knows how challenging it can be to have a successful relationship, and they know what an extremely high bar it is to suggest that the two individuals who marry will stay happily together for decades. While many do accomplish that feat, others find they are unable to do so.

Another way to frame just how high the bar is for married couples is to consider the emotional demands of a close friendship. Many friendships vary in their level of closeness over the years, and a large portion of those friendships are discontinued or grow apart. Add to the challenges friendships experience the factors of cohabiting and sexual intimacy, and it is clear how difficult it can be to make a marriage work successfully over the course of a lifetime.

The caveats above do not discount the value of a long-term marriage, or the value in a couple working hard to try to make the marriage work, when possible. Yet, when we consider how people change over a lifetime, and that sometimes people don't fully acknowledge or know the full breadth of their emotional needs at the time they get married, it's clear why many marriages end. (Note that the factor of having children involves separate issues, and there is a wealth of literature on that topic which is informative and helpful.)

What's interesting to consider is whether the ending of a relationship is equal to a relationship "failing." Does a couple who tries for years to make a marriage work truly fail? Don't many of these couples try to work on their issues individually and as a couple, only to realize that their emotional needs or internal capacities to change are simply too discrepant? In my clinical work, I have found that many divorcing couples have, in fact, tried hard and have also come to honestly see that the relationship has, as a pattern, brought the couple more emotional stress and unhappiness than comfort and security.

My wish for divorcing couples is that they be sure to have tried various avenues to improve the relationship, except in cases of abuse, which can pose serious threats of bodily and emotional harm. Avenues for improvement include couples therapy, individual therapy, reading self-books, and talking to trusted friends and family members who can offer a big-picture perspective when things become emotional or intense in the relationship.

But after men and women have tried and realized they cannot maintain the marriage in an emotionally productive way, feeling ashamed to divorce is not helpful. When disclosing to others that you are divorcing, it is important for your self-esteem in such raw moments to protect your feelings. Consider saying the following to others: "There is a part of me that feels uncomfortable or embarrassed [or insert the word that resonates most with you], but I don't buy into the idea that I failed or did something wrong. I tried, and all I can do as I go forward is to try harder, take responsibility for my own actions, and be a more responsible and sensitive partner in any romantic relationship I have in the future."

By sharing this range of feelings, you can maintain your self-esteem and resist feeling overwhelmed by shame, or any negative comments or reactions from others. If others say something that shames you, avoid emotionally reacting in the moment. Consider saying something like this: "Long-term relationships are complex and difficult, and rather than react to what you're saying and get into an argument, I'll simply reflect on what you're saying later. I trust you have good intentions, and I know I do, too."

Research supports that self-compassion and kindness toward oneself through the divorce process are crucial to making the emotional experience more manageable (Sbarra, Smith & Matthias, 2012). In addition to resisting any possible urge or provocation to feel ashamed, make every effort to practice good self-care throughout the process and surround yourself with individuals who offer positive, consistent social support. These efforts will make a difficult experience a little less difficult.