I am adult child of narcissistic parents, however I feel the relationship with my mother had the most negative impact on me. I spent the majority of my early years alone with her and I remember very well the extended silent treatments and any time I expressed sadness I was "too sensitive" anger I had a "nasty temper" and was shamed because of it. These were normal responses to my responding to verbal abuse and emotional neglect.
My first romantic relationship began when I was 14 with a guy who was 2.5 years older. For approximately 4 years I tolerated his silent treatments, gas lighting, stone walling, devalue and discard. He cheated on me, picked fights, would break up with me then come back. I always took him back because for me it was a "normal" relationship. I've had several friendships like this too.
Although I didn't realize at the time how fortunate I was, his final discard of me happened while he was away at college, he met someone else and married as soon as he graduated. I was devastated. I never even got so much as I a "good bye" from him really. But I moved forward in life.
I met someone and we married yet I didn't know about narcissism or understand the emotional neglect and abuse I endured by my parents or my ex boyfriend.
Almost 20 years later the ex boyfriend appeared in my life again, and it caused me a tremendous amount of anxiety yet I was drawn in very easily as he told me how sorry he was for how treated me, how he realized how much he loved me and regretted not appreciating what he had, and that I was the true love of his life. BUT he did really love his wife he claimed. He was just unhappy.
I had very strong feelings for him and believed I still loved him. I began to give him a lot of my attention and turned away from my husband and child. Yet I knew it was wrong on so many levels.
This is a VERY TYPICAL story with narcissists I've learned. THEY ALWAYS RETURN LIKE A BOOMERANG! 5, 10, 20 years later if they believe old supply is available.
Things escalated quickly into an emotional affair. After about 2 months I had a break down and confessed everything that was happening to my husband and began therapy.
I later learned the the ex is a serial cheater and has had multiple affairs during his marriage. So it had nothing to do with his "first love" I was just his first victim and supply which he remembered fondly because I gave him a good high.
My life was shattered. He abruptly discarded me when I told him I told my husband. That's when I began to research what this relationship was all about and learned about narcissism and how my family of origin affected my entire adult life.
It's been a long road of recovery, A LOT of therapy, A LOT of learning AND yep my mother had a fit when I started to learn and we went no contact for a few years. Then I was able to begin limited contact with her and I learned the skills to manage my interactions with her. She can no longer "hook" me nor will the ex ever "hook" me in again.
I now have a stronger sense of self, trust myself more and have solid boundaries in place and today anyone who tries to put me down gets swiftly kicked to the curb.
As far as strict adoption standards, the exN actually has one adopted child so those standards didn't protect him from having a narcissistic father. Poor child.
I have heard though that if a child has even one close adult relative or stable adult in their life that they can rely on they stand a chance of having a better outcome in their adult lives.