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Men's Fantasy of a Threesome: Why Men Want a Ménage a Trois

Having a threesome is at the top of many men's wish lists.

During lunch at a trendy Hollywood bistro this past week, I overheard a conversation that begged my ears to listen: A few male friends who appeared to be in their mid-20s were talking about how they've always wanted to have a three-way. "Have you ever done it?" one especially eager guy asked another. I listened as they described in detail how they hoped to someday meet a girl who would agree to invite another girl into bed. Hearing the guys talk, I momentarily forgot about my lunch companions, but the subject was far too juicy for me to tune out.

Typically, I'm not an eavesdropper. But as someone who specializes in relationship issues, I hear the word "three-way" and the neurons in my brain start firing like it's the Fourth of July. The topic of three-ways is undoubtedly loaded because it commingles sex (a natural human behavior) and a taboo (something Mom and Dad probably taught you that you shouldn't be doing).

Why do men often fantasize about having sex with two others? Why isn't one enough?

If you've ever read Portnoy's Complaint, the landmark novel by Philip Roth, you'd immediately understand. In essence, the three-way craving can starts very early in boys. In adolescence, boys crave sex like a food addict craves chili cheese fries. What's more, the sex that boys think about isn't very complicated: It's an IMAX-style mental whirlwind of body parts and genitalia, and what boys fantasize about doing sexually wouldn't take more than a couple of minutes with the sex object of their choice. It's Pavlovian, like a beagle salivating to the aroma of a rib roast.

But in adulthood, men's sexuality changes. When men are in their 20s and 30s, their sex drive is often about proving their masculinity and attractiveness through the acquisition of multiple sex partners, provided they haven't yet married. It's during this period that most men get caught up in lusting for a three-way, as exemplified by the men I heard talking in the restaurant. During this stage, men feel the looming anxiety that sexual liberation will soon end with marriage, so they want to check off as many sexual fantasies and lofty conquests on their list — and soon.

So what about older men? In general, most men in their 40s and older aren't looking for three-ways or group sex situations. However, this doesn't mean that they aren't looking for multiple sex partners. In fact, if a man is single and has some attribute that makes others want him sexually, he very well may choose to assume the playboy role as long as he can get sex on a regular basis. If not, he will likely settle down.

Sexuality is fascinating, in part, because it changes over the life span.

Feel free to check out my book on relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve, or follow me on Twitter.

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