Are You Having Healthy Sex?

What makes good, healthy sex? In a study I led (Carter et al., 2021) my colleagues and I found that 81% of people labeled their last sexual encounter as "good." Engaged people were most satisfied with their last sexual encounter, as 97% of them labeled it as "good," while 79% of married people said the same. Nearly 20% of 35-44 year-olds said that their last sexual encounter was "not good."

What constitutes "good" sex will vary widely among people, but we should all be working from the same definition when it comes to "healthy" sex.

It doesn’t matter if you’re partnered, co-habilitating, married, divorced, or single: If the sex you are having is unhealthy, you don’t want it.

What Is Functional Sex?

Functional (or healthy) sex is intercourse that creates a feeling of wholeness and satisfaction. Healthy sex:

1. Is consensual.
2. Is desired by both partners.
3. Facilitates connection.

What Is Dysfunctional Sex?

Dysfunctional or unhealthy sex is intercourse that leaves you feeling depleted, used, guilty, embarrassed, or disconnected. While it might feel gratifying in the moment, it’s short-lived.

The most obvious example of unhealthy sex is rape. Of course, when one partner hasn’t consented to sex, it’s not possible for it to be healthy. However, we are mistaken if we think that this is the only type of unhealthy sex. Consensual sex doesn’t connote healthy sex; it’s more complicated than that. Consider the following dysfunctional sex types and consider if you are having healthy or unhealthy sex:

Obligatory Sex

In my clinical work, I have met countless women who admit that they are having obligatory sex. The conversation goes something like this:

Me: OK. We’ve talked about how you have been eating and sleeping. Let’s talk about sex. Are you interested in sex?

Patient: No

Me: Are you having sex?

Patient: Well, I’m married so I have to…

An obligation is “a course of action to which a person is morally or legally bound.” Do we really want sex, an activity that is supposed to alleviate stress, to be an obligation? While obligatory sex may be consensual, it’s not healthy because it’s not desired by everyone involved. We are obligated to pay taxes, feed our children, and follow the law. We shouldn’t be or feel obligated to share our bodies with someone else, regardless of our marital status.

If you are having obligatory sex, therapy can help you sort out why you don’t desire sexual intimacy at this point in your life. A decrease in sexual desire can be related to many factors, including mental health concerns (e.g., anxiety, depression, trauma), hormonal imbalances, erectile dysfunction/vaginal pain or dryness, and more.

If there are no medical issues, then a therapist can help you navigate the psychological issues that are hindering your sexual desire. However, until you get this resolved, obligatory sex is not the answer. It can lead to feelings of emptiness, regret, and sadness.

Fearful Sex

Are you having sex with someone because you fear they will be angry with you if you don’t? Are you intimate with someone because you feel scared that they will leave if you aren’t?

If you answered “yes” to these questions, you are having fearful sex. Fearful sex doesn’t facilitate a connection between people; it can actually create more fear and stress. Often, fearful sex can lead to a cycle in which you chase the feeling of being connected in the absence of a real connection. Once you have sex (or use your drug), you experience a high that is short-lived and you return to chasing another one. Sometimes, this happens with the same partner while other times it happens with multiple partners.

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Talk to your partner about your fears and then schedule an appointment with a therapist. Fears related to abandonment and rejection are often rooted in childhood traumas, and your partner can't heal what they didn't create.

Coercive/Manipulative Sex

If you are pressuring or guilting someone into having sex, you are having unhealthy sex. After all, how does guilt create a feeling of wholeness?

Sex is not a tool that you use to control people. It can’t stop them from leaving, and it can’t make others love you. Relationships ebb and flow. There are seasons where you can’t keep your hands off of each other, and seasons where you are less interested. Healthy partners talk about these seasons openly and help each other work through them. However, emotionally punishing your partner because they are in a rut is coercive.

Ironically, when coercion is part of a sexual relationship, we find that people often engage in fearful sex. In other words, they engage in an intimate act simply to avoid their partner’s ire. How can this possibly be satisfying? While coercive sex may result in your bottom line (i.e., having sex), it definitely won’t result in healthy sex.

If you are pressuring your partner to have sex, engage in therapy to unearth your why. It's possible that your traumas are at the root of this problem. The good news is that trauma can be treated, and old wounds can heal. If you are being coerced into sex, share your concerns with your partner and then find a therapist who can help you find your voice in your partnership.

How to Have Healthy Sex

1. Talk to your partner about the sex that you want and your desires, fantasies, and wishes.
2. Talk about how to manage moments when one partner is interested and the other is not.
3. Engage in couples therapy if you are struggling to feel a connection during sex.
4. Don't engage in intimate activity unless you want to.

It should be noted that you don’t have to love someone to have healthy sex. Healthy sex can happen in many types of relationships, including casual ones, if that’s what you desire. It has more to do with your mindset when you enter your sexual encounter than how much you love or care for someone.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.