Intimacy Reels: Understanding Rape Trauma at Any Age

Spoiler Alert: If you haven't seen the movie, please bookmark this article and read it after watching if you don't want the plot and details to be spoiled.

In case you missed Part 1 of this review, here's a synopsis:

Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin play Claire and Evelyn, respectively, two friends who travel to the funeral of a college friend, Joyce. During the family visitation hour, Claire walks up to Howard, Joyce's husband, and tells him that she intends to kill him that weekend.

The movie takes us through the various obstacles they experience to pull off the plan. Still, the audience doesn't know the basis of Claire's animosity toward Howard. By the movie's end, after a failed homicide attempt, we learn that Howard raped Claire during a drunken night early in his marriage to Joyce. To make matters worse, Howard remembers it as a consensual encounter that he kept from Joyce during their 51-year marriage.

Part 1 of this movie analysis discussed the most prominent intimacy lessons for older adults. Part 2 focuses on the most prominent intimacy lessons related to rape trauma.

Lesson #4: "Devastation" Is Not a Strong Enough Word for Rape

Within the first 20 minutes of the movie, Evelyn points out to Claire that the rape happened more than four decades ago, insinuating that she should have put the sexual assault behind her. Without batting an eye, Claire responds, "It was yesterday."

Emotionally distraught older woman

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It cannot be stressed too often that this type of violation leaves devastation, which admittedly doesn't seem like a strong enough word in this moment. It's like a tornado has ripped through your life, and afterward, you are left standing there wondering how to start the healing process when there is so much upheaval.

The shame associated with rape also leaves survivors feeling alone and vulnerable, so it's no surprise when Claire admits that she'd only told Evelyn and a therapist about it. Claire is a 70-something-year-old woman with two former husbands, at least one daughter, and many friends. The fact that she hasn't shared her painful story with others with whom she presumably has had deep connections speaks volumes about the shame associated with sexual assault.

One of my patients shared, "It left me scared of my own shadow. I was scared to be touched, held, and even seen sometimes. I couldn't eat, but I was hungry. Food tasted different. When I did leave the house, it seemed like everyone knew. I would look at people and think they could tell I was damaged."

As mentioned in Part 1, while Claire is in town, she visits her first husband, Ralph. He asks her about the demise of their marriage, and she's immediately triggered. This scene depicts a mix of tenderness, breathlessness, devastation, and angst. She explains that something happened during their marriage, and he questions why she couldn't share it. "I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't. It made me mute. It made me deaf. It made me blind to you and to everything good in my life. Just couldn't."

The intimacy of this moment is palpable. This scene was so perfectly scripted and acted that it practically jumped off the screen. The setting, music, words, body language, facial expressions—all of them created a magical moment on the screen where rape survivors could feel seen, and allies of survivors could empathize.

In a strange twist, the intimate moment between Ralph and Claire mirrored the intimate moment the viewer was having with the characters. We could feel the energy shift in our bodies and truly connect with the characters in a way that made them feel known to us. We could feel and see the pain in Ralph as he asked why their marriage ended, and it drew us closer to him. Yet, in the very next moment, we could feel and see the pain in Claire as she tried to articulate what she hadn't verbalized in decades, and it drew us closer to her.

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Older man reporting a rape experience

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Lesson #5: Rape Changes People—Sometimes Forever

As the movie concludes, Claire confronts Howard about the rape experience, and there's one clear thing–Claire has relived, replayed, and reviewed the assault many times in her mind. She remembered every detail, which is not always the case.

For some survivors, they experience depersonalization during a rape. In other words, they psychologically separate their minds from their bodies so that they endure the emotional and physical pain. It's a survival strategy that happens unconsciously at times. Other rape survivors don't remember the details because they were unconscious during the rape. However, they awaken during the act or shortly after and know that they have been violated. Others remember every detail.

When you hear a survivor's story, don't put them in a glass box built on your own expectations of how rape survivors respond after a trauma. Don't ever say something like, "If it were so traumatic, you would remember where you were and what you were wearing." This is false; everyone responds to rape differently.

Lesson #6: Blaming the Victim Hurts

During her confrontation, Howard conceded that the sexual encounter happened but denied it was forced. He compounded this assertion by telling Claire she wanted it and implied that her troubled marriage allowed her to give into this one-time affair. I won't spoil Claire's reaction, but suffice it to say she is mad.

Blaming the victim for their rape experience creates a new layer of shame. As you read previously, some survivors already fear being seen as "damaged." Blaming them for the violence they experienced makes them feel more damaged and vulnerable.

If someone shares their rape story with you, recognize that there is very little in life that is more vulnerable than this and avoid the following:

• What were you wearing?
• Why didn't you scream?
• Why didn't you leave?
• Why were you there alone?
• Were you drunk?
• Why did you start if you didn't want to go all the way?

If you can't think of anything supportive to say, try "I'm so sorry this happened to you." Or just listen.

Final Report Card: A+

This movie accurately depicts the real-life intimacy layers of friendships, grief, loss, sexual relationships, and marriage. Furthermore, it does it through the lens of a population rarely the focal point of a storyline: older adults.

This story might not have been as gripping if it featured 30-somethings. Indeed, viewers would have experienced the emotional turmoil associated with rape and the loss of a friend. But, the layers of a 50-year marriage, 60-year friendships, and a sexual assault from 45 years ago created a depth that is hard to describe.