The Quality All Healthy Relationships Share

A group of girlfriends laughing.

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Thinking about the types of relationships you want in your life is important work. You may have a list of characteristics, qualities, and traits that would make someone an ideal match for you. It's perfectly acceptable and normal to maintain such a list.

Sometimes, we need to write down our goals to make conscious, intentional decisions that guide us toward them. Research conducted by Gail Matthews (2007) found that we are 42 percent more likely to achieve our goals when we write them down. I should note that they can be "written" physically or electronically. If nothing else, written goals help keep us grounded when life gets challenging.

Your list may be exhaustive. It may include "must-have," "preferred," and "absolutely not" traits for a future mate. For example, attractiveness, humor, or financial stability may be high priorities for you. At the same time, sarcasm and arrogance are absolute deal-breakers. Your list may also be a loose skeleton of what you want.

No matter how many qualities you have on your list, most people exclude an exceptionally important quality that can significantly impact intimacy in a relationship—availability.

What Is Availability in a Relationship?

Two types of availability directly relate to intimacy—physical and emotional availability.

Physical availability means your partner is not burdened, intertwined, or entangled with another love interest unless polyamory is your goal. Typically, when physical availability is lacking or feels off, one or both partners are trying to maintain physical closeness with more than one love interest. While this may seem exciting and workable at first, it generally turns out to be too demanding and exhausting. Additionally, after some time, most people realize that their affections aren't equally split between their love interests. We start to love or admire one interest more than the other, which means our physical availability will shift based on these emotions.

Emotional availability is a term that is used a lot, albeit incorrectly. It involves tapping into your emotional reserves while being connected to another person. It is more than just being a good listener. Sitting still and listening to your partner as they give you the reader's digest of their day doesn't mean you are emotionally available.

Of course, emotional availability involves listening, but it also includes being in tune with your partner's desires, wishes, and thoughts. Those who are emotionally available are predictable and stable in their emotional responses, validate your experience (even when they disagree with your stance), and take feedback in healthy ways. They also share their thoughts and feelings with you and don't shy away from tough conversations. Gaslighting, dismissiveness, and manipulation are emotionally damaging behaviors that they don't do.

Availability Can Make or Break Any Relationship

As you create or peruse your list of qualities in a partner, remember that nothing matters if your partner isn't available. No matter how hot she is, she can't be physically or emotionally available to you if she has a fiancé. No matter how much he says he "hates" his wife (and they don't even have sex anymore... yada yada yada), he can't offer the emotional support you need when you've had a bad day because he is with his family. No matter how much they say they love you, they aren't emotionally available if they can't hear your concerns and apologize when they have hurt your feelings.

This concept also applies to all types of relationships where intimacy should reside (e.g., parental and sibling relationships, marriages, exclusive dating relationships, and friendships). Availability or the lack thereof is directly related to intimacy in these relationships. Therefore, don't sell yourself short by settling for someone who isn't fully available.

Be Honest About Your Availability

If you can't be fully available because you are actively dating several people, ensure you are clear about where you are in the dating scene and what you need. Your availability status can change when you are ready to change it, but you will hurt fewer people if you are honest. If you can't be there emotionally for a friend because of your own grief, for example, share your concerns.

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If a partner has shared that you are emotionally unavailable, and you want to address this issue, reach out to a therapist. The therapeutic process can help you determine the cause of your emotional unavailability, unconscious triggers, problems with commitment, and trouble with vulnerability so that you can maintain an intimate relationship with the right person.

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