The Grey Rocking Guide for Co-parenting With a Narcissist

Sometimes the best way to communicate is to do less of it.

Source: kieferpix/iStock

Ending a relationship with a narcissist is often challenging but will hopefully lead to a great sense of relief. However, some abusers remain in your life whether you like it or not. One of the most common reasons for this is the task of co-parenting.

For many, this is the most difficult part of divorce or separation from a toxic partner because matters of healthy parenting involve problem-solving and cooperation. It is important to understand that most narcissists will not improve their ability to communicate after separation; in fact, many become worse after losing control over the relationship.

There is hope, however, as the gray rocking method has been shown to lessen the impact of these negative abuse cycles by creating communication boundaries—allowing you to preserve your energy and cut off the abuser's narcissistic supply.

How It Works

The most important thing for a narcissist is to get your attention—no matter if the reason why is good or bad. They will seek out conflict at all costs so they can rob you of your energy. With parenting, there are many times when decisions need to be made, or details and logistics must be discussed—becoming a perfect breeding ground for false accusations or other forms of control. Anything from picking up the kids on time, doing their homework a certain way, or questioning your many parenting choices is up for debate.

While it is natural to want to defend yourself (or help the narcissist see the negative impact of their behaviors) in these situations, it is important to remember that these high-conflict individuals speak a different emotional language. They are not interested in hearing your point of view. Rather, they revel in getting you upset and putting you on the defense.

That is why grey rocking is an extremely effective method for handling these situations—it takes away the power and energy available to the abuser and includes the following tactics:

• Minimal responses to questions or communication: This holds whether you are communicating through written form or in person (for example, responding to a text accusing you of not prioritizing your child's homework with a simple "We will do it tonight" as opposed to defending yourself). The lack of explanation may feel like conceding, but in fact, it is the opposite. You are affirming what you will do while also not allowing the other person to engage you in unecessary conflict—essentially you are not wasting your time on their opinion.
• When responding, make sure to stick to facts: The less extraneous details, the better. To ensure you are responding in a way that will not instigate conflict, many co-parents use the court-approved Our Family Wizard, which is an advanced tool to support shared parenting. It has the potential to signal when something being sent is offensive and also tracks conversations, helping protect you from potential gaslighting or misinformation.
• Remain as uninteresting as possible: In person, this should include connecting with your breath and trying to remain calm and present in your body while providing simple responses. This helps you remain physically regulated and in better control when dealing with the other person.
• Becoming too busy to engage or participate in the relationship with the other person: When you are not there to provide what the narcissist needs, they will eventually look elsewhere—even if this takes time and reinforcement.

Grey rocking does not mean ignoring the other person entirely (which, in some cases, is necessary to keep you and your children safe but is not always an option with shared parenting); instead, it involves providing only necessary information. As time goes by, you may even find you need to employ less of these tactics as the narcissist comes to realize they are not getting what they want out of their interactions with you.

Styles of Grey Rocking

When choosing what degree of grey rocking to use, it is important to be conscious of the type of relationship you are dealing with; otherwise, it could potentially backfire. The following is a guide to the different styles of grey rocking to choose from that can help you navigate potential conflict.

1. Minimal Grey Rocking

This is style is best employed in relationships where unequal power is in place for a reason—an example being your relationship with your boss at work. With minimal grey rocking, you respond with facts and choose not to over-engage, while remaining positive or neutral so as not to create further conflict. Other relationships where this style of grey rocking may be warranted are with close family who you cannot cut out of your life, such as in-laws or other family who you may see somewhat regularly.

For this reason, minimal grey rocking is often used in co-parenting young children or at times where you continue engaging often with your co-parent. Even if you are still remaining somewhat positive in interactions, it can be comforting to identify what kind of communication you are using to help curb potential pitfalls, like people-pleasing or over-explaining.

2. Moderate Grey Rocking

This style involves maintaining a consistently neutral tone towards the other person while still providing necessary (factual) responses. Moderate grey rocking works well when there is more equality between you and the other person, such as a co-worker who is not your superior or a distant relative or acquaintance that you are not close with.

Parenting Essential Reads

3 Strategies to Manage Your Entitled Adult Child

Modern Parenting Is Bad for Your Health

In co-parenting, this level of grey rocking is common when children become older and they have more autonomy—meaning you require less negotiating and planning while co-parenting. Moderate grey rocking can also be helpful when parenting young children if your intent is not to remain friendly or overly engaged with your ex (such as those who do not share holidays, events, or attend other regular life events together).

3. Complete Grey Rocking

This level of grey rocking is most common when co-parenting with a malicious narcissist as it involves an apathetic tone (lacking interest or emotion) in order to fully protect yourself. It can also be used in other toxic relationships where you may be required to respond or provide information but are not concerned about preserving a positive relationship.

It is important to remember that complete grey rocking can come across as hostile in person (as a flat vocal tone and lack of emotion can trigger a sense of danger in our social engagement system), and so may best be employed over text or email. If you feel you need to resort to this level of grey rocking, it may be a sign that the other person is not safe to be around in the first place. It can be especially difficult to co-parent in these situations, and having a safe and supportive person in your life to talk with about these interactions can be extremely helpful.

Beware Grey Rocking Gaslighters

Most times, the person you are grey rocking will not be pleased about what is happening. It is important to be vigilant about your boundaries and not let the other person gaslight you into thinking you are doing anything wrong. A common way they may react to your lack of communication is by saying you are stonewalling them, which is simply not true. With stonewalling, you would be completely unresponsive and dismissive; instead, you are being strategic, measured, and intentional. Essentially, you are not building a "wall"; rather, you are building an emotional structure to keep yourself safe.

If you have dealt with this toxic person before, it can be difficult to believe grey rocking will make a positive impact in the long run, especially when you are met with resistance. But if you stick to these tactics for long enough, the narcissist will likely run out of energy to continue bating you for further conflict. Less conflict is beneficial not only for you but also for your children and your ability to be present as a parent. In doing so, you create safer boundaries with the narcissistic, allowing you to focus more on what you love about parenting, as opposed to the frustration of co-parenting with the narcissist.