Why Do Single Women Prefer Affairs with Married Men?

“Being with a man in a committed relationship gives an ego boost — like you’re better than his wife.” — Single woman
“An affair with a married person takes all the relationship bullshit out of the equation and just leaves the fun stuff.” — Single man

We tend to assume that single people who desire love will pursue other singles, thereby maximizing their chances of forming a lasting relationship. Surprisingly, research suggests otherwise: many single women find married men more desirable than single men. In one study, 90 percent of single women were interested in a man they believed was taken, compared with only 59 percent when they thought he was single (Parker and Burkley, 2009). Across 10 world regions, 57 percent of men and 35 percent of women reported engaging in mate poaching—attempting to romantically attract someone who is already in a committed relationship (Schmitt, 2004). Given today’s abundance of available partners, the popularity of mate poaching is puzzling.

Single women’s reasons for pursuing married men can be grouped into three broad categories:

1. The perceived quality of married men
2. The unique structure of the relationship
3. The single woman’s emotional experience

Below, I illustrate these motives with statements from single women (via Reddit and here).

1. The Perceived Quality of the Married Man: “All the Good Men Are Taken”

“He has experience, he listens, and I can talk to him — that’s enough for me.” — Single woman
“Another woman has already done the groundwork to find out if he's an okay partner.” — Single woman

Married men signal that they possess desirable qualities that less successful singles may lack. Their “taken” status indicates that another woman has already vetted and selected them — a form of social proof. For some single women, this suggests reliability, relational competence, and emotional availability.

Research shows that mate-poaching attempts can decrease the appeal of one’s current partner while increasing the attractiveness of alternatives (Birnbaum, 2022). Married men, by virtue of being chosen, are seen as higher-quality mates who offer immediate emotional and material resources.

2. The Nature of the Relationship: Bounded Romantic Companionship

“The relationship feels ‘safe’ because it has limits: no full commitment, no future pressure, no responsibility.” — Single woman
“Less hassle. They never want to stay over.” — Single woman

Source: Pexels Alex Green 6625992

Many people idealize romance — the kind celebrated in films, novels, and popular songs (You have made my life complete). Yet achieving this ideal is rare.

Affairs, by contrast, provide bounded, part-time romance. The relationship is naturally limited, compartmentalized, and less demanding. Single women can enjoy companionship without the burdens of long-term planning, household responsibilities, or full-time emotional investment.

Some single women seek something in between a one-night stand and a committed relationship — intimacy without the constraints of daily life.

3. The Experience of the Single Woman: Validation, Thrill, and Competition

"The man, who is not supposed to be touched by anyone else, made me want to try and see if I could be ‘the one’ to break that. A lot of it is an ego stroke." — Single woman
“People who lacked validation their whole lives often seek it intensely.” — Single woman
“Hooking up with married men felt like beating the wife in a competition.” — Single woman

Relationships with married partners often heighten passion and self-esteem. People often want what they cannot have. The “forbidden” element creates excitement, while being chosen over the spouse may enhance feelings of desirability. These single women may sacrifice closeness or daily intimacy but gain intensity: fewer routines, fewer negotiations, and more emotionally charged encounters. The rivalry with a spouse may further fuel the thrill.

4. Practical Advantages and Real Downsides

“It’s a bigger, better deal in life — and a free ride.” — Single woman
“My friend always went after married men. Her life was a dumpster fire, and she couldn’t understand why.” — Single woman

Affairs offer several practical benefits for some singles:

• independence and flexibility
• control over emotional exposure
• low-pressure scheduling
• occasional material help
• fewer expectations

For singles who value autonomy, such relationships can feel easier to manage. Yet the downsides are substantial:

• secrecy and emotional isolation
• behavioral constraints
• pain in knowing the partner prioritizes someone else
• deception at the foundation of the relationship
• low chances of a shared future
• exhaustion and possible guilt

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Ultimately, such arrangements limit the possibility of deep intimacy.

5. Do Single Women Want Sex, Love, or Both?

“It’s fun, hot, and exciting — and less time-consuming. Married men don’t want to be attached at the hip.” — Single woman
"It's just backwards logic. Why expect the married man to leave, which is a quality you don't want in a man?" — Single woman

Do affairs imply giving up on lasting love? Possibly — given the convenience, validation, and passion they provide. But romantic idealism is rising. In the Singles in America 2025 survey, 73 percent of singles said they believe romantic love can last forever, and 62 percent want a committed, exclusive relationship. Some single women may secretly hope the affair will evolve into something deeper; about 26 percent of single women (and more single men) report having dated a married person. In hypothetical scenarios, about 90 percent of single women say they might pursue a man who is not single. Yet relationships that begin as poaching tend to have lower satisfaction, commitment, and trust, and higher jealousy and infidelity (Belu and O’Sullivan, 2018; and here).

In sum, while the Beatles may have overstated that “all you need is love,” love remains central to long-term flourishing (Ben-Ze'ev, 2019). Still, many singles pursue married partners because the relationships offer passion, validation, and fewer demands — despite the secrecy and emotional limits. Even when the initial goal is “sex without strings,” the intensity can blur boundaries and pave the way toward deeper longings.