Is Effort the Truest Proof of Love or a Turnoff?

Effort is often defined as the physical or mental exertion required to accomplish something, typically associated with difficulty, fatigue, or even boredom. How can we reconcile effort with romantic love—something we idealize as spontaneous, passionate, and fulfilling? I first explore the nature of romantic effort and then whether people prefer an effortful partner over a successful one.

The Nature of Romantic Effort

To understand romantic effort, consider these candid reflections from Reddit users:

• “It’s never effortless. But for the right person, it doesn’t feel like too much effort.”
• “If you're lucky, it doesn’t feel like effort at all.”
• “The effort required in maintaining a romantic relationship is a big turnoff for me.”
• “At the beginning, it should feel easy and fun. The hard part comes years down the line.”
• “Been with my wife for 12 years, and it’s pretty effortless. The secret? Don’t be an asshole.”
• “Every relationship requires some effort from both sides.”
• “It shouldn’t feel effortless, but it should feel equal.”
• “A good relationship is like working your dream job; a bad one is like working at McDonald's.”
• “Even the best relationships require effort. But 90 percent of it is fun.”
• “Effort is the truest proof of love. If someone loves you, they’ll prioritize you and do the little things that make your heart soar.”

These reflections reveal a tension: effort is both necessary and, at times, undesirable. To make sense of this, it helps to distinguish between instrumental and intrinsic activities. Instrumental activities are done for their outcomes—like doing chores such as paying bills, cleaning, or building a house. Intrinsic activities are rewarding in themselves—for example, walking in nature, laughing with friends, or helping someone out of compassion. Many romantic activities can be both.

Effort feels instrumental, for example, in highly competitive individuals who use effort to control their partners (Ryckman and colleagues, 2002). Similarly, people who feel they do more household labor than their partner often report lower relationship satisfaction—unless they feel appreciated by their partner. Appreciation can transform instrumental labor into an intrinsically meaningful act (Gordon and colleagues, 2022).

Mutual efforts

Source: pexels-blue-bird-7218485

When love-related efforts align with our intrinsic values, they no longer feel like chores—even if they demand time and energy. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (1990) calls this state of immersion flow: when an activity becomes so absorbing and meaningful that we lose track of time and self-consciousness. Romantic effort that reflects our deeper values can generate this kind of joyful engagement (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019).

Would You Prefer an Effortful Partner Over a Successful One?

“Effort is more relevant to a flourishing connection than success, which is often harmful for the romantic connection.”—Reddit User

With the nature of romantic effort clarified, the question arises: Do people prefer an effortful partner over a successful one?

Two dimensions help assess romantic value:

• Nonrelational traits (wealth, attractiveness, intelligence)
• Relational traits (kindness, emotional availability, compatibility)

While nonrelational traits are easier to measure, relational traits are far more predictive of long-term suitability. Success doesn’t guarantee suitability. What truly matters is how two people connect and grow together.

Multiple studies support the primacy of relational traits:

• Both men and women prioritize kindness over beauty, wealth, or status (Valentine and colleagues, 2020).
• Benevolent, self-transcendent values—the desire to benefit others—are linked to higher relationship quality (Van Der Wal and colleagues, 2024).
• People value willingness to provide emotional and practical support more than ability alone (Dhaliwal and colleagues, 2022).
• Family-oriented traits—understanding, loyalty, warmth—are the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction (Mehmetoglu and colleagues, 2025).

These findings underscore that effort matters. A key study by Dwiggins and Lewandowski (2015) found that individuals who put in effort are seen as more romantically desirable than those who simply possess natural talent or success. Effort signals responsiveness, willingness to grow, and commitment—traits essential to a thriving relationship.

Relationships Essential Reads

Is It Really Possible to Love Two People at the Same Time?

The 5 Types of Need-Fulfilling Romantic Relationships

Ultimately, the most important question in choosing a partner isn't, “How successful are they?” But rather, “How well do we bring out the best in each other?”

A Pleasant Romantic Effort

“Atonement to the context is key. If you put too much effort in too early—say, when we've just met online—it looks desperate. But if you've been married 20 years, there’s no such thing as too much effort.”—Renee Wade

Profound love doesn’t just feel good—it helps us grow. Research shows that when a partner supports your ideal self, they help you become that person. This process, called the Michelangelo Phenomenon, likens love to sculpture partners “chisel” each other into their best selves (Drigotas, 2002).

People in deep, committed relationships often say, “I’m a better person when I’m with them.” Such bonds involve not only emotional support, but also mutual development.

Romantic effort is most fulfilling when it stems from intrinsic motivation. Instrumental effort—like dividing chores or managing schedules—is necessary, but if it dominates the relationship, something is off. The best relationships are not defined by how much effort they require, but by the spirit in which that effort is given and received.