Why People Have Sex With Partners They Hate

“I may punch you, bite you, crush your nuts between my thighs. It’s going to be the best hate sex I’ve ever had. And your survival is not my first concern.” —Kate Meader, Playing with Fire

Love and hate are often seen as emotional opposites. Love seeks closeness and connection, while hate drives distance and rejection. Sexual intimacy typically fulfills the need for closeness—so how can people engage in sex with someone they hate?

Love, Hate, Sexual Desire, and Anger

“I hate you, then I love you… Then I hate you, then I love you more.” —Celine Dion

Love and hate both express strong, global evaluations of another person. While it may seem contradictory, it is possible to hate someone you love—especially after betrayal or deep hurt. In some cases, this hatred paradoxically preserves a sense of closeness when other forms of communication fail. Such hate is often temporary and fades over time.

Romantic relationships are emotionally complex, and conflicting feelings toward a partner are natural. One way to manage this tension is by differentiating between global and specific evaluations. Psychologists Lisa Neff and Benjamin Karney (2005) proposed a model in which spouses maintain a positive overall view of their partner (“wonderful”) while still recognizing specific flaws (“not punctual”). Similarly, global hate doesn’t necessarily erase the recognition of attractive traits in the hated person.

Sexual desire and anger are partial, emotionally charged evaluations. While sexual desire is typically linked to love, anger can arise within loving relationships—often because we care deeply. The combination of hate and sexual desire, however, is more puzzling.

I focus here on mutual hate between two individuals, not hate crimes or violence against marginalized groups.

Would You Have Sex With Someone You Hate?

Here are some responses to this provocative question:

• “I’m not sure I could do it with someone I strongly dislike. Hate is a definite no.”
• “Hate is a really strong emotion. Why would anyone want to be around someone they hate?”
• “If I genuinely hated someone, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near them, let alone sleep with them.”
• “I did it once, and it was great.”
• “I had a co-worker with whom I had hate sex—great sex, but we could never date.”
• “I’ve been friends with many women who say they absolutely hate a guy, yet still sleep with him.”
• “Hate sex can leave you incredibly dissatisfied."
• “Despite the pleasure, hate sex doesn’t always end in relief.”
• “I had hate sex with him for so long that I eventually loved him.”
• “In hate sex, I didn’t care what he thought of me—no games, no need to play it cool.”

Hate and Sexual Desire

“No one can hate you more than someone who used to love you.” —Rick Riordan

Unlike the more intuitive link between love and anger, the connection between hate and sexual desire is harder to grasp. Hate typically motivates avoidance or even destruction, while sex requires closeness and vulnerability. Yet hate sex is a real phenomenon.

Research by Justin Lehmiller (2022) found that 31% of adults reported having sexual fantasies about someone they hated, and 3% fantasized about this often. These fantasies were strongly correlated with BDSM-related themes, especially dominance and sadism.

The ambivalence of hate sex is its defining feature. Hate implies emotional distance, while sex implies intimacy. This paradox often plays out in relationships with ex-partners, where emotional wounds coexist with lingering sexual attraction.

From a logical standpoint, it’s possible to hate someone you love. But emotionally, this creates dissonance, making such situations rare and unstable (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019).

Hate Sex vs. Makeup Sex

“My wife used to start a fight if I wasn't paying enough attention to her—for the makeup sex.” —Anonymous

Both hate sex and makeup sex channel negative emotions into sexual activity, but they serve different purposes.

Makeup sex follows a conflict between partners who fundamentally want to stay connected. It uses intimacy to repair and rekindle the relationship. While it may temporarily mask deeper issues, it often involves tenderness and reconciliation.

Hate sex, on the other hand, doesn’t aim to heal—it preserves emotional wounds. It tends to be selfish, aggressive, and sometimes sadistic. Some have even described it as a form of “mutual and consensual rape,” emphasizing its intensity and lack of emotional connection.

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Where makeup sex is rooted in love and reconciliation, hate sex is driven by hostility and unresolved tension.

In summary, hate sex may offer short-term excitement, but it rarely fosters lasting intimacy. It reflects the ambivalent nature of human emotions—where desire and hostility can coexist in complex, often conflicting ways.

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