Is Love Enough to Make a Marriage Last?

A loving couple

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“Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage; you can't have one without the other.” —Frank Sinatra

Many people consider love to be the most essential aspect of a marriage, illustrating the prevailing belief that love is all we need and overcomes all obstacles. But the many cases of people leaving the partner they still love oppose this idea, emphasizing the traditional importance of compatibility, a cornerstone of arranged marriages. When love and compatibility intertwine, marriages flourish, but when it is absent, marriages are highly risky.

Compatibility and Love

“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late." —Max Kauffman

Marriage was traditionally a practical arrangement, designed to enable couples to fulfill their basic needs. Because of this, the central criterion for marriage has been compatibility, i.e., whether the two partners can enhance their bond by bringing out the best in each other. Such compatibility (or suitability) can exist without love.

Stephanie Coontz shows that introducing romantic love to marriage emerged only about 200 years ago: “People have always fallen in love, and throughout the ages many couples have loved each other deeply. But only rarely in history has love been seen as the main reason for getting married” (Coontz, 2005). Before making romantic love essential to marriage, marriages were generally stable. Love has increased the quality of marriages but has also made them less stable. This is particularly because, as Gurit Birnbaum and Amy Muise show, although sexual desire initially draws romantic partners together, sexual desire doesn’t occur in a vacuum and is influenced by relational and contextual factors. They claim that compatibility doesn't just happen; it needs to be enhanced through ongoing mutual activities. Indeed, those who believe that sexual satisfaction is the result of natural partner compatibility report lower relationship quality and believe that a sexual relationship should be effortless if with the right partner (Birnbaum & Muise, 2025).

A troubled relationship where there is less love, and finding a stronger love are also reasons for the breakdown of the romantic bond. However, here I focus on situations where people leave the partner they still love.

The Conflict between Life and Love

“There is love, of course. And then there's life, its enemy.” —Jean Anouilh

Romantic relationships do not float freely in the air; they are tightly connected to a living framework, where compatibility is essential.

Which of them takes precedence? This can be a hard call. At one extreme, one might sacrifice life for love. At the other, one might sacrifice love for life (remaining in a loveless, but otherwise comfortable marriage). Most people make romantic decisions that fall between these poles. It is the strength of love, the nature of the life demands, and the degree of conflict between them, which dictate where we wind up on that continuum.

When intense desire is the core of romantic love, the conflict between romantic love and life becomes more intense (Ben-Ze'ev & Goussinsky, 2008). But such desire is usually brief and decreases with time. Love does not always win and certainly cannot replace life. In the long run, compatibility enables lovers to nurture their connection and enhance personal flourishing, as well as their romantic bond.

I Love You, but I’m Leaving You

"I was madly in love with my first lover, but he was divorced with two children, and it didn't suit me to be a second wife and stepmother." —A married woman

The claim that “all you need is love” indicates that love is everything. Although love is valuable for our happiness and personal flourishing, it is neither a necessary nor a sufficient, condition for happy and thriving life. If, indeed, love is not all we need, then it is reasonable for some people to leave the one they love (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019; here).

Loving someone is not sufficient when deciding to live together, which also requires compatibility. Examples of common issues related to compatibility are:

• “You cannot help me to flourish because you don’t bring out the best in me.”
• “I cannot help you to flourish; on the contrary, being with me blocks your flourishing.”
• “We are not suitable for building a long-term, thriving life together.”
• “You are not a good father, husband, or provider (though you may be a great lover).”

The degree of love in these cases is sufficient for supporting enduring love, but not sufficient for enduring flourishing while living together. People sometimes prefer to thrive in life over love.

Surprising Results When Comparing Arranged and Love Marriages

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No doubt, compatibility and love are significant for flourishing marriages. However, if our major goal is to prevent breaking up, then arranged marriage, where compatibility is central, is more suitable. Yet if the goal is to experience a higher quality relationship, even with the price of a possible separation and more heartache, then love cannot be ignored. Thus, it was found that love in arranged marriages begins to be better than that of love marriages after about five years (Epstein, et al., 2013; and here). Significant absences of love or compatibility in marriage are harmful (here).

Ideal marriages are a hybrid system of love and compatibility. Love provides the emotional bond that makes marriages exciting, and compatibility provides the stability and mutual activities that help relationships withstand challenges. Couples, who are compatible in terms of values (e.g., family, work-life balance, religion), are less likely to experience conflicts. Love fuels emotional support and care, while compatibility allows couples to solve problems more effectively. When challenges arise, couples who are both in love and compatible are better at solving difficulties.

Love is the soul of romantic relationships. Without love, the bond may look like that of roommates or robots, having no spark or excitement, though it nevertheless functions well. The combination of love and compatibility is really all we need.

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